A(n)nals of Online Dating
Going deep into your worst internet romances.
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I have a question I’m here to try new things would you let me suck your toes and lick your ass hole I’m just trying to keep it real with you I really hope you not offended by my message you seem sweet I’m just trying to be true to myself or I can’t expect myself to be true to you and just because I want to be a little freaky for once does not mean I’m a Creep or bad person please don’t judge me by this one message ;-) So if your up for any of thoses two things or if you have anything else in mind just let me know I’m up for almost anything
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+5 for being “true to himself” by using no punctuation other than an emoticon.
+2 for capitalizing Creep. Seems about right.
+9 for asking a stranger on the internet to allow him to suck her toes and lick her asshole, and having the self-awareness to realize it’s weird and creepy, but going for it anyway on the off chance she says yes.
+4 because there is no chance she said yes.
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
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+5 for no punctuation at all.
+15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks?
+6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy.
TOTAL POINTS: 26.
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some of my pet peeves are the sound of dishes clanking together, the sound of empty beer bottles hitting each other, the sound that silverware makes whn it hits a hard surface, the sound of static, and a really high pitch beeping sound hurts my ears, and i say all this cuz to some ppl it may not hurt there ears but i have real sensitive ears… so i now will tell u wat i have for pets i have a boxer/pit mixed dog named Rockey and i have a black and white baby rat named Kira, i know this next part is goin to sound kinda out there but i’m basicaly a werewolf kinda i mean i don’t turn into one i just get the personality of one like i love the moon, i like to howl at the moon, i like to bite, and my k-9 teeth get sharper whn the moon comes out like i said it sounds pretty out there but its true, i mean i like werewolf’s more then vampires…. if u want to talk more to me other thn on here add me on my [email] account which is mc_magicfart_[redacted]@[redacted].com yes i know it sounds kinda funny or childish but i made it i think in 2001…
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+5 for how to you live at all if every single noise drives you insane?
+2 for thinking that things everyone hates, like really high-pitched beeping sounds, are “pet peeves.”
+3 for grammar, spelling and punctuation carnage.
+12 for “I’m a werewolf.” You definitely also have a really awesome Tumblr, right? And you’re a totally oppressed Otherkin?
+5 because what woman doesn’t want to date a dude who howls at the moon and bites? TEAM JACOB!
+4 because a REAL wolf would have eaten the rat and the dog by now.
TOTAL POINTS: 31.
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I’m not saying I’m chivalrous, but I’m polite. Before anal sex I’ll be sure to put some nutella or peanut butter on your butthole and lick it up.
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+8 because lining your butthole with a nut-based spread is extremely polite in some cultures. Right?
+5 because this guy has definitely never had anal sex before if he thinks that a sticky thick food item is going to help the situation.
+3 because why the first-message anal sex reference? This is officially a Thing that dudes on internet dating sites do, and I don’t understand it. Has it ever worked? Has any woman ever read a message from a dude wanting to fuck her in the ass and been like, “Yes, that is definitely the kind of guy who will use appropriate amounts of lube and not ram his rock-hard three inches into my butt without proper preparation and will absolutely be into the kinds of sexual activities that are most likely to make me cum”? I mean maybe but yeah no, never.
TOTAL POINTS: 16.
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Just want to comment about your interview on askmen and the idea that it is easier to simply not respond to a message if you are not interested. As a guy (hopefully a fairly normal one), I would much rather get a short "thanks, but I am not interested' message rather than having to feel like a creep checking to see if the person has been online and trying to guess if my original message had been received. Does this not seem normal and less of a waste of time for everyone?
Asked by Anonymous
Good point! Opinions on this one vary — some people want a “thanks but no thanks” response, while others prefer no response. I think the key is, if you get a “thanks but I’m not interested” or are just ignored, let it be. The reason I don’t send “thanks but I’m not interested” responses is that I’ve gotten some REALLY hostile responses back, or had dudes try to argue with me. So it’s been easier just to ignore. But I agree the “thanks but no thanks” responses are perfectly nice and normal and also not a waste of anyone’s time. Unless the recipient of the “thanks but no” message gets hostile. Then it’s bad and weird.
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+15 for poop ice cream.
+8 for what kind of ice cream shop is he taking you to? I don’t think they allow that kind of behavior at Baskin Robbins.
+4 for non-sequitur. “I love high school sluts, so I will finger your asshole.” Sure ok.
+6 for “and then you will tell me if it’s as good as you remember.” So you’ve fingered this girl’s asshole and dipped it in ice cream before? Or she’s tasted her own asshole/ice cream combination before? I think you are incorrect on that one.
+3 for “kaboooooom.” Why?
+5 for thinking that this would ever sound appealing to anyone, let alone a total stranger.
+2 for first date. FIRST DATE! Lots of people don’t even kiss on that date, and you’re already feeding each other ass ice cream? No.
TOTAL POINTS: 43.
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+15 for the HILARIOUS Ok Cupid moderator conversation along the right-hand side.
+4 for “user has sent link to photos of a small penis. Delete.”
+6 for the next video of him jacking off (delete), and then “its different every time you click on it!”
TOTAL POINTS: 25.
