A(n)nals of Online Dating

Kissing me is like a chocolate
and peanut butter explosion!!!
You will always be satisfied.
Seriously, I absolutely love
your smile. It seems to flow
effortlessly with grace across
your beautiful face.

If after reading my profile you
feel like getting to know more
about me…please do. Send an
amazing email in return and
let’s begin some type of journey together.

Anxiously waiting

[name redacted]

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+6 for random linebreaks substituting for actual depth

+2 for !!!

+10 for simultaneously alluding to candy and sex and making both sound unappealing

+4 for demanding an AMAZING email response.

+2 for leaving open the kind of journey we could begin together

+5 for the fact that you could end almost every sentence of this email with “…in your pants” and it would still make sense.

TOTAL POINTS: 29.

Hey [removed], the names [removed], or [removed] for short.  I done peeped thru your photos, and i gotta say lil mama, you a dime.  I see you’re from Sacramento, and that’s where I’m from, so I’m gonna put my sac in your mento the next time we see each other…So, I know you wanna hit me up, so my digits are [removed].  I gotz hellza cakes and i know u do too shawty lets play some world of warcraft in bed yadada im a high level with a big mining tool and i know you got a tight lil mine for me to get all yo goldz from yadada. Or we could just minecraft it and i be the monsta attackin you yadada?  I’m a vegetarian, if that matters, but I can adjust my dietary preferences to VAG-itarian if you know what I mean.  I’m a little constipated right now, but that shouldn’t be a problem, as the doctor has prescribed me a medicine to flush my bowels.  I suggest you get anal cleansing too, to better our relations.  Please wash out all fecal matter.  I love you.

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+3 for totally inconsistent style — clearly this man is literate and knows how to punctuate, capitalize and spell out words, but appears to intentionally choose not to in order to sound totally awesome.

+5 for the fact that the screen shot image of the message shows it was sent by a middle-aged white man who appears to be entirely bald on top, but has grown his lower-head-hair (which starts about at his ears) down to his shoulders. 

+20 for “I’m gonna put my sac in your mento.”

+8 for following the term “VAG-itarian” with “if you know what I mean.”  (“Hmm, I don’t know what you mean.”  “It means I eat vagina.”  “OH!”)

+2 for teaching the old-ass proprietor of this blog the term “yadada,” which she had never heard before (note to other Olds: According to Urban Dictionary, it is Bay Area slang for “know what I’m sayin?”)

“I love you.”  +6.

TOTAL POINTS: 44.

Not to be too blunt, but do you enjoy anal sex?

______________________________

+4 for brevity

+2 for a faint whiff of self-awareness

-1 for failing to add a “t” to “but”

+5 for actually being too blunt.

TOTAL POINTS: 10.

Message One: good evening….

Message Two: did I mention your deep look?

________________________

+2 for two messages.

+4 for forgetting to mention the deep look in his first message, realizing the error of his ways, and immediately correcting the problem.

TOTAL POINTS: 6.

Hi how are you? My name is [removed] and I have never tasted a peach before in my life.
What do you think of that?

_______________________________

+6 for general weirdness.

+2 for a challenge: What do you think of THAT?!

+3 for making the reader wonder if this somehow relates to oral sex or if dude is just really delayed in the fruit department.

TOTAL POINTS: 10.

So pretty… So my type.. lol

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+3 for brevity

+4 for inappropriate use of “lol”

+2 for apparently forgetting the correct number of punctuation marks to use to create periods of ellipses… but only forgetting the second time around.

TOTAL POINTS: 9. 

Hola. That is Spanish for Hello.

________________

+3 for brevity.

+2 for stating the obvious.

+4 for turning the word “hello” into a two-sentence message.

TOTAL POINTS: 9.

hi handsome! well, we’d certainly have stimulating debates. i like ayn rand, anarcho-capitalism and the rock and roll hall of fame. Ha!

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+10 for Ayn Rand, always.

+4 for anarcho-capitalism. Sounds like someone is in finance but drives a motorcycle!

+3 for the creative message-ending salutation of “Ha!”

+2 for the refusal to use capital letters until the final, one-word sign-off. Anarchist indeed.

TOTAL POINTS: 19

hey,
I saw your profile ..and um…well, i thought i’ll write.
From your profile it seems like like making friends….anyhow, if you
are not keen on being friends…stop reading here and delete this
message! however, if you are keen on making friends, can you tell me
about yourself?? like…..

what is your greatest quality or trait?

If money wasnt an issue and you could visit any place , where would it
be and why?

which animal do you most relate to?

If you could acquire a certain skill without the risk of failure or
without putting any effort, what skilll would you acquire and why?

what movie or book do you like most?

whats your greatest passion in life?

ok..last question…..kinda weird, but what do you think of your
nose??!!………………….

. lol…its good..i like it..seems to
give you a personality! anyhow…..

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+2 for inconsistent apostrophe use.

+5 for evaluating potential friends based on which animal they most relate to and what skills they would like to acquire.

+1 for repeated use of double and quadruple (??!!) punctuation marks

+4 for creative use of the period, including at the beginning of a sentence.

+3 for understanding that the lady may not be keen on being friends, and generously giving her the opportunity to stop reading here. 

+10 for the nose-neg at the end. Creative! Hopefully this was on J-Date.

TOTAL POINTS: 25

[From an online dating profile]:

My favorite books, movies, music, and food I read a ton while in Africa so my recent favorites are the Fountainhead because of how much it reminded me of why America is awesome and A Thousand Hills about the history of Paul Kagame and the Rwandan genocide because it gave me hope for East Africa.

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+10 for a favorite book choice that should make you seriously reconsider your life.

+5 because this person is, in fact, over the age of 17.

+2 for gratuitous mention of Africa, ostensibly to gain Good Person Credibility, in a sentence that also pays homage to the literary godmother of selfishness.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

Subject: playing games

Message: ive been spending time figuring out where do ppl draw the line bw games ande being real. u seem like u fall in the latter category. Hi!

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+2 for shortening every possible word into teenage text-speak

+4 for not capitalizing anything except for the final “Hi!”

+3 for the important differentiation between “games” and “being real.”

+2 for spending actual time figuring out where to draw that line.

TOTAL POINTS: 11.

there are 20 angels. 10 are sleeping, 5 are flying , 4 are playing and 1 is reading this

_________________________________

Plus 100.  That is all.

hi there. do you wear heels? :)

______________

+4 for brevity

+3 for emoticon

+ 2 for foot/shoe fetish creep-factor

TOTAL POINTS: 9

I know I fall outside of your parameters by a lot. I’m just looking for people that I can connect with over lunch, or perhaps coffee or happy hour. I’m married so I’m not looking for something physical.

I’m one of those corporate slaves on Wall St., but I write book reviews for various mags and papers, just so I can have a semblance of actually possessing an inner life. I keep a casual nerdy blog at [removed] f you like that sort of thing.

Why am I even on this site? I’d recently had a deliberate incident, which I’d tell you more about later, that has me examining/re-evaluating my life. And I have this intense desire to connect with someone who is not immediately known to me. And I want this connection - even if it doesn’t get physical - to be deep, platonic, and erotic at the same time - as paradoxical as that sounds? I dunno why I feel this way, but that is the honest truth at the risk of seeming shady.

At the very least, if you would like to gain a friend & if you are not sufficiently creeped out, would love to exchange some e-mails, etc., to see if we can be friends.

My name is [removed], btw.; I don’t qualify on too many levels of what you’re looking for, but I’m very good at choosing restaurants and enjoy a good conversation. Not playing reverse-psychology game on you, but I don’t expect you to reply, but still sincerely hope you find a lot of good friends.

Bye.

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+6 for length.

+4 for Really Really Deep Thoughts.

+3 for having a “deliberate incident.”

+7 for married.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

Hello,
It will be pitty if we just visit a profile and not drop a line..
please let me to taste happiness by your friendship.
My dear sweet angel ,I feel you in heart and it made me warm and alive..
here is my email: [removed]
if you have a soulmate,just let me be your friend.
I wait to hear from you.life is short,let don’t lose the opportunity.
yours for ever

[Name removed]

“from Ralf Waldo Emerson:The only way to have a friend is to be a one”

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+5 for use of “my dear sweet angel.”

+2 that I am his for ever.

+ 4 for “Tasting happiness by your friendship” - is that what the kids are calling it these days?

+3 for the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote; +1 more for putting the part about how Ralph Waldo Emerson said it also in quotes.

+ only 1 for spelling/punctuation, since English isn’t his first language. 

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

It’s a simple idea: Online dating is the worst.  Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.  Points given for lack of basic spelling and punctuation skills; bad sexual innuendo; reliance on cliche; terrible taste in books, music or movies; use of twelve-year-old-girl text-slang; and creep factor.