Subject: Sorry, as a big-time feminist activist I don't eat supper, I eat men. And I only pay if they put out.
Subject: buy me supper?
Dec. 6, 2010 – 1:13am
Hey [redacted], I don’t know how long you’re supposed to wait between messages, but I think I sent you one in September, so should be long enough. I’m pretty much broke, and looking for work. I had an interview last Tuesday, and I thought they were going to call back Friday, but now I’m hoping on Monday.
Hey, you know what? I know you’re a big time feminist activist, and all that, but really, that’s just surface stuff, you know. I just want to hang out with ‘you.’
Give me a hoot if you’re on any of the subway lines. I wouldn’t mind sharing some chinese with you, and some beers, and., i f we got to know each other ,then maybe a ittle pot.
ok takr care, and I’d love to hear from you, [name redacted]
+2 for ‘you’ in quotes.
+4 for spelling/punctuation carnage. I’d proof-read that resume if I were you.
+3 for the subject line.
+6 for specifying that the date should include Chinese food, beers and possibly pot, with the implication that she is expected to provide all of it because she is, after all, a big-time feminist activist.
+5 for dropping the feminism thing as a way to get a free dinner, but then deriding it as “surface stuff.”
+4 for not knowing how long to wait between messages (answer: if you’ve been ignored, you’ve been ignored), but concluding anyway that three months is an appropriate time.
+3 for use of the term “supper.” Are you Canadian or something?
+20 because I actually can’t tell if this is a submission (i.e., some poor lady received this message while online dating and submitted it for hilarity) or if some charmer just wanted to send it to me.
But -5 for lack of creativity. Really, the same subject as the body of the message?
That's good as I want to fuck and play air guitar!
Subject: Finally, girl of my dreams
Hello, my LASIK is wearing off also and you said not to message you if we just want to fuck and run. That’s good as I want to fuck and stay! I love karaoke and will treat you with me singing “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC, even if we haven’t hit the sack yet… a man can dream….
(name), but everybody calls me (same name)
+5 for name/same name
+4 for communicating to the lady that either he’s taking care of his eye health, or his vision is blurry and so he appreciates her for who she truly is inside
+6 for knowing that the way to a woman’s heart is through AC/DC karaoke. Play on, playa.
Actually, I was using the zombie apocalypse as a mirror on the flaws of our racist, patriarchal, capitalist society.
Well in case of zombie break glas and remove shot gun and bat.. lots of dats .. well not shure if thats what you ment, or are you refering on how to live with the breakdown of society and survive . Hi my names Tom just thought id say hello
Spelling carnage: +6
Using zombies as an allegory for the breakdown of society in an internet dating message: +10
Hey baby, wanna role-play? You be a feminazi and I'll be Rush Limbaugh
Against my better judgment upon seeing the ‘f’ word, I read your profile in full. I generally eat feminists for breakfast. My favorite meal is a third-wave feminist with a sprinkling of postmodern-pretentiousness (2% caramel version)— quite the delicacy. Anyway, we have absolutely fuck-all in common, I can’t see us ever getting along, and the sex would probably be some sort of power struggle for dominance. I honestly don’t even know why you bother with feminism.
+9 for his favorite meal (would be +10, but there’s no such thing as 2% caramel).
+5 for obviously knowing he would lose the sexual power struggle for dominance
+2 for messaging someone primarily to insult them, with the outside hope that maybe he’ll get laid.
+4 for hating feminists, but still realizing a self-confident lady is probably above-average in bed.
+0 for the clear mutual understanding that he is the worst.
Sorry, only multifaceted diamonds really deeply fulfill me.
I hope you and your family are well and happy. How’s it going? Thank you for posting here. I find you interesting and challenging.
I read your profile and I think you are awesome like a multifaceted diamond and that’s very cool! I’d like to know more about what you shared. I noticed that you are pretty good at baking, cooking, reading, singing, hugging and it looks like you are involved in some pretty interesting projects and you sue companies who are screwing over their employees. Right on!
My name is [omitted] and I am a fun, loving, passionate, intelligent, and resourceful man. My time is pretty open because I am the boss of my Internet businesses.
I don’t know how our two lives would fit together, but, I think that we are looking for the same thing; expressing and experiencing love in a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Maybe we’ll grow a quality long-term relationship to celebrate life; I am open to the possibility that could be with you - unless you would rather miss out and live your life without a man’s energy.
It’s amazing to see a woman who really wants to experience her explorations of San Francisco, and most other cities imagination and energy with me. I enjoyed reading that you seem pretty sure of yourself. I appreciate the perspective you hold in the world. I like to think about what would happen if everyone did the things you did.
Anyway, I am offering to give you what you’re looking for in a man - masculine energy, a good listener, stimulation, a happy life, friends, romance, and worldly skills. Let’s just take our time to get to know each other and earn each others trust, become comfortable sharing some laughs, go on romantic walks, star gaze and have some fun!
You know, when I take you out on dates, I don’t know whether our new adventures will turn into incredibly exciting experiences or just wonderfully fun times, but it sure is going to feel good to go out and laugh a lot, isn’t it?
And of course, before you get that far, there is that excitement you get when you’re out with someone new who you think you could fall in love with. That “can’t get ‘em out of your head, smiling until your cheeks hurt” kinda feeling; that blissful agony of having to wait until the next time you see ‘em… mushy stuff, I know, but honestly, I think that’s a good feeling to never grow out of.
Maybe we just owe it to ourselves to hang out and talk…. I’m curious to find out about the person wrapped inside all the pretty. Will you allow that to happen? Here’s my cell in case you’d like to share some conversations #[cell phone omitted].
Message 2, three weeks later:
It’s [name omitted]. You didn’t strike me as someone who would drop an opportunity without at least checking it out.
I invite you to think about the things that would most deeply, really fulfill you. You might find that when you let those thought provoking pictures run through your mind and feeling those feelings, for whatever mysterious reason, your mind begins to move in a new direction. It’s like there’s a much bigger part that you want to take on.
Anyway, if other men are not with you in the way you truly want them to be, then I invite you to think about the things that would most deeply, really fulfill you. There may be another level of satisfaction that you haven’t even thought about. Isn’t there?
And if you should discover other men are not meeting your needs in the way you truly want them to, maybe we owe it to each other to talk.
[totally different phone number omitted]
+1 for the family-focused intro
+6 for hoping you’re open to celebrating life in a long-term relationship with him — unless of course you want to miss out on love and spend your life alone, which is clearly the only other option.
+2 for “masculine energy”
+3 for the offended follow-up message when his masculine energy didn’t merit a response.
+4 for the repeated use of “deeply, really fulfill you” followed by discussion of “much bigger parts.”
+3 for thinking you are like a multifaceted diamond, and that is pretty cool