January 2011
100 posts
I'm saving the sex part for marriage, so actually...
Subject: Hey
I think its weird that a girl like you wants to be in a relationship but also want to have sex. :p
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+5 for thinking that sex and relationships are mutually exclusive (that’s sex and marriage).
+2 for emoticon.
+3 for “a girl like you.” Do I strike you as the type who wants a boyfriend minus the dong?
TOTAL POINTS: 10.
When I said I liked watersports, I was actually...
Subject: Evening!
How are you today, how’s 2011 looking for you? I’m a wee bit drunk after an afternoon spent in the boozer! And enjoying perusing your profile! This is gonna be a bit weird, but I am on here looking for a partner but who would have an interest in a bit of an odd quirk I have (or, kink, I guess, to be more accurate). It can be difficult to bring up once I know someone or...
BTW, I am terrified and doubling up on my birth...
How are you doing. I am cool. I must admit that I don’t try a lot of new things. However, I am open to trying some new stuff. In addition, I am not the best communicator via email. I love football, basketball, cooking, and work out. I would say my biggest strength is that I am very consistent, and I am not into going out with different women all the time. I am not having fun being single...
And I'm all about not dating weirdos who make up...
Subject: Hi
…then all of a sudden the door shut behind me and there I was, surrounded by rabid grizzly bears with killer bees foaming from their mouths and I’m standing knee deep in honey. Exciting? Well, just so you know, that didn’t really happen. I’m all about honesty. Is that not enough in common to spark your interest? More you say? Well you’ll just have to ask questions ;-) Hope to...
You only get three wishes for messages, so maybe...
Subject: Hey :)) I can not belive in my eyes !!
Hey !! !! How re today ? ?i hope U’re warm today.So sorry to bother u: ( I hope U’re so warm.I see U look so adorable and kind..Actually u look like a sunshine :))I really want to get to know u more if u want ? I wish i can get message from u
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+4 for so so so much spelling, grammar...
Anonymous asked: Love the site, it's very entertaining, but the scoring is confusing. You give points for things that are clearly negative (more points for more negative), but you also give points for things that are apparently positive. Is a higher score better or worse, or does it even matter? And if it doesn't matter, then why give points at all?
Regardless, please keep up the good...
Regardless, please keep up the good...
A(n)nals of Online Dating RSS Feed
Is here.
Anonymous asked: Can I see your profile on OkCupid?
As your mistress, I demand that you never again...
Good Morning my Sweet Mistress Writing to you like if as you were my Mistress ok? How are you this morning did you sleep well? How may I please you this morning? I start the shower water take your clothes off and start bathing you and if you are in the mood I start kissing and caressing your body and caressing your niples and squeezing your breast. I would get on my knees and start licking your...
Dude, don't you think it's so weird that people...
I guess the best one will tell you the most about who I am is when I went to Taiwan. Went there in the early 90’s to train for a plant being built in SC. We were there for 6 months. (way to long) There were 22 American guys and we were three to an apartment while we were there. The two guys rooming with me were the kind where if one did it… we all did it.
Now my story… So they have these...
Were you blinded by my use of common English...
Your profile put me on a stump. I’m not sure if that’s a saying, or if it means anything. But reading your page made me have to look away a couple times, then continue. That regards my decision to message you. congrats =)
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+5 because nope, not a saying.
+3 because it does mean something, but that something makes absolutely no sense in this context.
+4 for is it...
Mammoths, for the most part.
How are you ? You are too cute ? I Liking to be friends first and we will see what happens. I am 36 yo 5’2” and honest, caring, funny respectful, easy going, out going, smart, definitely worth getting to know. I like the outdoors, movies, theatre, cooking, car trips, seeing all that Boston has to offer, hiking, going to the beach, and are open to new things as well. What thing...
Put me down for the chicken.
Hi, how are u doing? I know we haven’t correspond yet with each other and know each other that well. My best friend she is getting married on Jan.27 and she told me to bring a date to her wedding. I was thinking of asking you if you wanted to be my date to the wedding. Would you be interested, let me know so i can tell her to add you to her guest list. I hope you will accept the invitation...
So, what's your favorite hobby?
MUSICAL GREETINGS Hello, I’m a professional musician/educator (guitar/percussion), with my own educational music show/exhibit and would like to “chat‘“with you. Please see my profile-[redacted, but contains the word “music”] and let me know what you think. I can send a photo if you like (I don’t post my picture for privacy reasons/I’m very well know in my profession). Go...
So our first date is definitely going to be to the...
Subject: :P
Well hi… um right I’m a 19 and have like 3 friends planing on school and I’m rly relaxed and a lil shy so if you wana talk it is cool with me… ps I don’t have a pic cuz my phone won’t let me
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+4 for being 19 years old (I think that’s what “I’m a 19” means, right?) and writing like he never graduated from middle school.
+2...
And I hadn't noticed that the elderly were...
Subject: On the finer points of…
You’re a spunky one, aren’t you? I hadn’t notice women could be such at an early age. HnK.
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+5 for pedo-creepy.
+ another 3 for “at such an early age.” (a) What does that even mean?, and (b) You hadn’t realized that young women can be “spunky”? Didn’t you watch 80s sitcoms?
+4 for...
Sorry, I only do double-digits.
subject: hi
I am a very well endowed exhibitionist and I was wondered if you would be interested in seeing a pic? If it matters it is 9 inches and i will prove it
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+4 because I am sure you’ll prove it, being an exhibitionist and all.
+3 for “if it matters.” You are offering to send me pictures of your dong. Of COURSE it matters.
+5 because...
So do socially inept creeps on the internet,...
subject: Fat girls need love too
how about you? cause I’m so hard
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+5 because the recipient of this message is not in fact fat.
+7 for “I’m so hard” non-sequitor.
+8 for rude AND disgusting. Nice.
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
Poor apostrophe use and nonsensical messages about...
You intrigue me - can we get to know each other? Going to cheetah to work with cheetah’s would be an adventure. There was a game preserve close to were I live that would bred these cheetah’s with bizzare coats. So what makes you purrr…lol?
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+8 for making literally no sense.
+4 for “going to cheetah.” Is that a country now?
+2 for grammar...
So is this, like, Ted Hughes meets the Christian...
Virginal You breathe the bitter air of loneliness Pretending that it does not matter When you close the door And switch the wireless on, Remote from the prospect of the wedding kiss. You say you do not care And change your dress To read a book or write a letter, Then you wait. Perhaps you sigh. The day is done. Your sorrow, as it sleeps, denies its loss. You were not made to live like this...
Anonymous asked: Is there an RSS feed?
No, I only lie afterwards when they ask if it was...
do u lie wen guys eat ur pussy
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+8 for misspelling every word in that sentence except “do,” “guys,” “eat,” and “pussy.”
+5 for gross.
+5 for but really, who doesn’t like that?
So plus another 2 for a dumb fucking question.
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
Sorry, I keep Kosher.
Subject: Hi sexy,
can we pork hum talk? lust, [name] xx
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+15 for “pork”
+5 for throwing “talk” in there. Let’s keep things appropriate.
+7 for ending with a farewell “lust.” Without that, it might not have been clear that he’s just interested in sex.
TOTAL POINTS: 27.
Actually my weekend was looking a little bit...
How are you? I just saw your page and thought I’d say hi. My wife and I were hoping to meet someone on here and thought you were totally cute. How is your weekend going? Up to anything fun? Hope all is well!
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+5 for totally normal until, wait, did you say “my wife”?
+2 because at least you spelled everything right.
+another 2 because you guys...
Better a snob than an irrationally rage-y person...
F&@% YOU SNOB ;)
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+50, because this is apparently what happens when someone messages you and you don’t message them back immediately. Thanks for the winky face, clearly you are not threatening or unstable in any way. BLOCK!
TOTAL POINTS: 50.
No, only International Mr. Leather
hi,have u ever participave in miss of the usa contest?
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+10 for “miss of the usa.”
+2 for spelling and grammar carnage.
+5 for the compliment. What a sweetheart.
TOTAL POINTS: 17.
What twenty-something lady doesn't enjoy being...
figured out what the camera man told you in your profile picture. “Ok ok get ready. You are a mother and your mischievous son just came in and asked you to sign a test that he got a C- on. Show me the look!” ;)
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+20 for major Oedipal complex.
+5 because you know this guy likes to be spanked like a very, very naughty little boy.
+5 because this is...
An Actual Conversation on OkCupid Chat
actualconversation:
Submitted by Dara
Rawdawgnit: hey there you
Dara: hi
Rawdawgnit: how arey ou?
Dara: well…i have to tell you, your username is throwing me off
Rawdawgnit: oh.. its just a screen name. i’m spencer
Dara: you do know what that means though, right?
Rawdawgnit: hahah whats your interpretation of it?
Dara: having unprotected sex.
Rawdawgnit: *applause*
(long...
Nope, not that bored yet, but try me in an hour...
Subject: Hi
you bored? id love to eat you out tonight :)
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+2 for lack of proper punctuation and capitalization.
+1 for wildly inappropriate smiley.
+8 for offering to eat her out… if she’s bored enough.
+3 because there is absolutely no way she is that bored.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
Sorry ma'am, I have a three-smiley maximum :-( ...
Hello mister :) how are you doing? how were your holidays and the new year? Mine was great :) I think you have a nice profile here and thats why I decided to message you :) Hope to talk to you soon :)
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+4 for so many smiley-faces.
+3 for “Hello mister.”
+2 for so many words, but so little content.
TOTAL POINTS: 9.
You had me at "older and mostly illiterate."
I work for a dating site catering to mostly foreign women with bad English and older, mostly computer illiterate men, also with bad English. Would you be interested in setting up a honey pot account?
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+10 for at least knowing the audience to whom you cater.
+5 for making fun of everyone’s English language skills, and then inviting the nice lady...
I think you've mistaken OK Cupid for WebMD.
Looking for a kind hearted woman who knows how to cook for a restricted diet and is willing to learn how to care for an amputee
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+5 for using an online dating site to look for a nurse/chef.
+4 because that’s sad you’re an amputee and have a restricted diet,...
Only if I can have your AOL screen name.
filter me into your chat, send me your #, and put up a full body photo
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+6 for this self-described “super hot male” not putting up any photos.
+3 for messaging her a list of a demands.
+4 for “full body photo.” Gross.
TOTAL POINTS: 13.
You just put your lips together and blow.
Hey there How are you.First of all, how did you get into movie production.Second, what are these wink things you speak of.
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+2 for no spaces between sentences, and general punctuation carnage.
+4 for “what are these wink things you speak of.” Maybe try googling it.
TOTAL POINTS: 6.
Test: Why do we punctuate and spell properly?...
Test who wrote (to Kill a Mockingbird)(Capote?) an do you really care.Is Faulkner an Lanier the true south.Doyou really care?
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+5 for giving someone a “test” via the internet, when the internet is the same mechanism you’ll probably use to look up the answer.
+4 for the worst test question of all time — unless, of course, you have not...
You know, there are easier ways to secure titty...
I have two questions.
Are you really 39? Not that I think you look a certain age but it seems that recently women keep telling me that 39 is the magic number that women wont put their real age if they are over 39. Just checking to see how common this is becoming. Also do you have any pictures that arent just of your face? If you think this is a shallow question, I am sorry but please dont be ...
Let's hope you're this creative and motivated in...
I won’t even bother saying “hi”. And I’m sure I could keep you entertained in person but I’m at work so I can’t draft a whole witty message thing right now. Let’s get a drink if you’re interested. Later :)
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+3 for sub-zero effort.
+2 for “I won’t even bother saying hi.” It would have required significantly less typing just to say...
I mostly live for cheese, red wine and Real...
I live for the moments that when you are in them you realize they are moments, something to be remembered and cherished. Those are, of course, the nights where it seems anything could happen, and amazing things occur. But I also live for the clean air of morning, oncoming storms, hot summer days, the spirituality of water, magic sunsets, and embrace of spectator stars. I go day-by-day, with...
I would love it if you'd quit spreading your...
I’m sorry for interrupting your busy day, but, I hope you and your family are well and happy. How’s it going? Thank you for posting here. This is a little awkward for me to try to open up online, but I find you interesting and challenging. I am a fun, loving, passionate, intelligent, and resourceful man. My time is fairly open because I am the boss of my businesses. I think that we are...
And if you respond three times, I will take that...
[Background story—I had messaged him back (he messaged first) and I was trying to make conversation about some small things in his profile and this is what I received.]
I am from Florence, SC. It’s about 70 miles from Myrtle Beach in one direction, a few hours from Charleston and Savannah in another, and Columbia and Charlotte in another direction. As far as living in the Carolinas, I...
Hopefully all at once.
The three things I am most passionate about are:
1. Faith in Jesus Christ as my personal savior
2. Outdoor / wilderness activities
3. Female nudity
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+6 for wow what a combination.
+3 for at least he’s going to heaven, where he will undoubtedly be surrounded by trees and titties.
TOTAL POINTS: 9.
You do present a strong case.
OkCupid IM: [username]: Hello [username]: Can I get you pregnant? [me]: Why would you ask me that? [username]: Because I want to be a dad
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+5 for putting pregnancy right on the table.
+6 for the most logical response possible to “Why would you ask me that?”
+4 because you guys have a baby now, right?
TOTAL POINTS: 15.
Let's take 7th grade English first.
I Only See an Amazing Single Girl that I’d Love to know more about…Im Steve…Greek And Scottish…And what about you?…I would give ne thing to wake up everyday next to a girl like you…My last r-ship was 7 years…Im Funny Loyal, Honest…Live Life to Its Fullest…Lets Have Some Fun!
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+3 for grammar, spelling, punctuation and capitalization carnage.
+5 for being...
And I have chlamydia. It's also yours.
Subject: That Bookstore
I’m sure I know you. Wait, I do! We met awhile back at that bookstore. I’m really glad I’ve finally found you. But, maybe not so good for you. I’ve got some bad news, I’m pregnant…and it’s yours.
Lame I know, but why not respond?
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+5 for “Lame I know, but why not respond?” Um, I think you answered your own...
Lesson One: Don't send messages like this.
Wink
Since you’ve made a strong point to not say Hello or any other of the typical sort. What do you usually say to a male on here? Do you start off? Can you imagine the difficult predicament males must lower themselves to on a daily basis to constantly guess what to say first and to whom? Just let me know what you say? I’d like a lesson in how all females would like to be “hit” on here....
And I'll tea bag you so good you'll think you're...
i’d motorboat your titties so hard you’d have to wear a life jacket.
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+5 for thinking getting motorboated hard is any fun at all.
+4 for failed metaphor.
+2 for creepy.
+2 for “titties.”
TOTAL POINTS: 13.
Only if you drive a big black van with no windows....
I don’t have any candy… but I do have a @)—;—- , want to go for a ride. ; )
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+4 for gross.
+5 for pedo-creepy.
+10 for is that a rose or a penis?
+6 for “want to go for a ride.” Guess that clears up the rose vs. penis debate.
TOTAL POINTS: 25.
Yes, don't you see the resemblance?
u hav clone?
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+15 for WTF?
+5 for spelling two words wrong in a three-word sentence.
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
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Ignore vs. mock! Go.
Subject: Oy hey there dork
whatsup you cracktastic little thing. You have a wicked little smile and I like that. Show me more. What are some things on your amazon wishlist? If you get to know me you’re going to have to learn to give good massages. Are you prepared for that? I like anime so I’m going to shove the good stuff in your face. Also I like lists. -[name redacted] p.s. ...
