subject: best medicine
I think penicillin is pretty good. It fights germs.
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+7 for why?
+10 because any dude with an intimate knowledge of penicillin’s efficacy gained that knowledge through intimate means.
+4 because penicillin is not, in fact, the BEST medicine. That’s oxycontin.
TOTAL POINTS: 21.
hey there do you date asian men?
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+5 for dumb question.
+2 for thinking she might actually message him back if the answer is no.
TOTAL POINTS: 7.
Subject: you are cute!!!
Just looking for a girl that might be interested in being my friend. This would entail make out sessions, hand holding, kinky sex (when the time is right) getting high
write back if you’d like to know more
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+15 for his definition of “friend.”
+5 for kinky sex… when the time is right.
+6 for also getting high. What’s friendship without that?
+3 because he just wants to hold your hand. Aww.
TOTAL POINTS: 29.
I would love for you to be apart of the fashion lounges Im building, It would so great to have a fun girl by my side. Let me know you are interested it would so so cool.
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+4 for “fashion lounge.” No.
+6 because you want me there while you construct a building? No.
+5 for “it would be so so cool.” No no no.
TOTAL POINTS: 15.
Hi there… I don’t mean to offend you in any way, but I was wondering if you’d be interested in coming and giving me a handjob? Like right now?
I’ll reimburse you for your trouble? $
x
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+15 for soliciting prostitution on an internet dating site.
+10 because this was not sent on Craig’s List.
+3 for “x.” Are you new to this? There’s no kissing.
TOTAL POINTS: 28.
I’d Love to meet you after reading your profile, but now I’m intimidated….LOL Wow are you ever BEAUTIFUL…Wanna playfight, wrestle naked in jell-o? Just Kidding. I’m not into the whole tapping aspect, want something more than that! On a lighter note…I’m a Vagatarian, not a Vegatarian…LOL
didn’t mean anything by that…Was just trying to break the ice…Really…Why are people so serious?
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+2 for inexplicable capitalization.
+4 for two LOLs.
+5 for the offer to wrestle naked in Jell-o (but he’s Just Kidding, LOL).
+9 for “Vagitarian.” No. That is not even funny in context, because there IS no context. This entire message is several incoherent bro-jokes smashed together and punctuated by LOLs.
+7 for thinking he maybe didn’t get a reply because she’s “so serious.” Maybe the problem is that she is actually funny and couldn’t imagine suffering through an in-person conversation with a LOLasaurus?
TOTAL POINTS: 27.
hello
how r u doing? I want to be something to u. It may be friend or brother or anything u want. pls say something yes or no.
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+6 for offering to be her “friend or brother” on an online dating site. Unless this is kissingcousins.com, not appropriate.
+4 for the elementary-school dating device of ” check a box, yes or no.”
+2 for “anything you want.” Anything? Generous but absent benefactor, perhaps?
TOTAL POINTS: 12.
I find abortion to be quite sexy myself too, this probably means we should go out on a “date.”
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+9 for WTF? I guess that’s what happens when you disclose that you work at a reproductive rights organization.
+3 for “date” in quotes. Is that supposed to be code for “fuck until you get pregnant”?
+4 because at least you know you won’t be using condoms.
TOTAL POINTS: 16.
wanna get in ur ass without spending my chedder
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+10 for charming.
+6 for “cheddar.” So many vagina/cheese jokes I’m refraining from making right now.
+5 for has this ever NOT worked?
+4 because the best things in life are indeed free.
TOTAL POINTS: 25.
i don’t wish to say you are pretty .. guess you have been hearing that all the time .. i don’t want to say you so fine.. guess that seems more like your cell tone ……..you shouldn’t be here … gos sh look at you .. how could your dad do this .. how could he steal all the stars in the sky and put them right in your eyes.. Omg.. girl you are pretty .. Name is calvin….came around and saw your profiles .. and couldn’t leave without saying Hello
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+6 for was that poetry, sort of?
+2 for ellipses and stream-of-consciousness.
+3 for “guess that seems more like your cell tone.” Huh?
+4 for “i don’t wish to say you are pretty … Omg girl you are pretty.”
+4 for the dad comment. Eew.
+2 for capitalizing “Hello” but not his own name.
TOTAL POINTS: 21.
Him: Are you a virgin?
Her: Yes.
Him: How far have you gone with a boy?
Her: Um … well, I’ve kissed and an ex-boyfriend tried to molest me, but … you know, virgin. I don’t really want to talk about it.
Him: Did he touch you inappropriately?
Her: (long pause)
Him: Can I talk to you again tomorrow?
Her: … Let me think about it.
Him: Why not?!
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+4 for zeroing in on virginity.
+3 for taking an actually sad story about molestation and turning it into a boner-fest. Really really yuck.
+6 for him being SO OFFENDED that she doesn’t want to talk to a dude who clearly gets off on her being a virgin (and maybe on her being almost molested…?). Run, lady, run!
TOTAL POINTS: 13.
Well apart from ur gorgeous smile……if u r really good at roasts that would do me:) wish i was younger
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+6 because this guy is over 40 (and twice the recipient’s age), but uses “ur.”
+2 because I’ll bet you wish you were younger.
+10 for “roasts.” Does he mean the comedy-hour kind, or the put-it-in-the-oven kind? (I think the latter).
TOTAL POINTS: 18.
I want to get into your pants/bed
Any directions on how I can get there? :)
And yes, I know I’m not in Sydney atm. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to be :)
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+3 for direct.
+6 for sending this to someone in Sydney when he doesn’t live in Sydney, and then saying (threatening?) that he’ll be there at some point.
+2 for creepy
+2 for smileys
+4 because what lady isn’t charmed out of her pants by the statement that a man wants to get her out of them?
TOTAL POINTS: 17.
It’s taken a while to send this note because, after reading your profile, I realized, I would really have only 1 shot to make a good impression. And, after trying to come up with something catchy/funny/memorable…
I still had nothing.
Have you ever had a guy stand in front of you just struck dumb, unable to think of the right thing to say?
Well, congratulations. Somehow, over the internet, with only this website, you’ve struck me dumb.
Any help starting a conversation with you would be greatly appreciated.
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+3 for SO MANY WORDS but saying exactly nothing.
+4 for asking her to come up with a conversation topic for him.
+2 for thinking that anyone would possibly want to talk to him after this message.
+5 because he sent the same message to this lady’s friend, and apparently the friend actually went for it. There really is someone for everyone.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
I’m in no place to judge…
…because I don’t know what it’s like on your end, or how many messages you might be getting daily. I do want to say, though, that while a rejection from someone one feels strongly drawn to is inevitably hard, it is doubly so when it comes through silence, when one is left to wonder whether one’s messages have even been received. Perhaps this, too, is inevitable—I don’t know. But it hurts, it hurts.
Alright then, enough—
peace be with you,
Steve
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+8 for getting so totally emo, jeez.
+3 because Steve, you do not know me. We have never met. You messaged me and I didn’t respond. The fact that you’re now messaging me to cry about it is possibly why you are still single.
+5 for “it hurts, it hurts.”
+3 for “peace be with you.” And also with you. Are we in church?
+2 because this guy must have a pretty sweet life if this is what deeply hurts him.
TOTAL POINTS: 21.
Subject: Let me introduce myself
im very horny love oral and like to kiss and s**k pussy and nice titssorry to be upfront but i believe it best to jst be honest on what i wantk thanks. talk to you soon!
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+5 for “let me introduce myself” and then including no information about his actual self.
+7 for not even including any original sex acts. Who isn’t horny and a lover of oral, kissing, pussy and nice tits?
+4 for just being honest about what he wants — the same thing as every other heterosexual man on the planet, apparently.
+2 for “talk to you soon.” Nope.
TOTAL POINTS: 18.
Subject: when?
Greetings, I’m [redacted].
I have sent you “interest” but you have not responded. I did not know if you had not logged in, or if you have no interest,
or maybe you have a free membership and can not write, or other reason, so, based on “not enough information” from you, i joined this
site as a Gold member so I could contact you. I dont think these sites work well, usually everybody braggs to the point of dishonesty, but
I will take a chance with you. In this final chance of contact I have given you my phone and email and will “quit” this site on Tuesday because
the others in my search criteria did not sufficiently interest me. I have been divorced for many years and for all of these years I made
myself very busy to catch up on the financial damage of divorce and to keep my mind from dwelling on the negative aspect of the divorce.
I now see that maybe it would be ok to have someone to talk to, or maybe have an meal or down a drink on the occasion. What do you think?
Perhaps you are fed up with something and just want to vent? Anyway, take it slow and reflect on your needs and see if I could help you
along the way.
My phone is [redacted] and you can text or call as you like. My company does not like phones at work, so I sometimes have it off during the day,
but not for long periods of time, and I ALWAYS return all calls as soon as I turn on my phone. My email is [redacted] so you can copy
and paste this address in your email program and write as you like. If I get a response from you I will send a set of photos and hope you can do
the same. In the personality part of this site there is no way to let you know all of the more interesting things I do that may be of interest to
you, such as my deep interest in music, that I play it, sing it, write it, arrange it, and record it often. Want a sample? Or that I paint in the
style of the Dutch Masters, in mixed media with sufficient talent that I sell my paintings on the Southerby’s site when I am motivated. My
creativity is tied to my emotional center, fading in and out with the tide.
I have more to day but I will wait for your reply. I hope there will be a reply. Thanks for reading this. Now it is up to luck or fate.
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+5 because she’s ignoring you, bro, and now she’s going to block you because you seem crazy.
+4 for “I paint in the style of the Dutch masters.”
+3 for the suggestion that perhaps she would like to meet up with a bitter divorcee so that they can both vent. Sounds fun.
+4 for his creativity fading in and out with the tide. My periods are totally like that, so I can relate. Except they’re more in the style of Jackson Pollock.
TOTAL POINTS: 16.
Subject: hey
question for you? do you hate men
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+6 for attaching the question mark to the sentence that isn’t actually a question.
+10 for the question itself. Yes, I am on an online dating site where my profile says I am interested in men because I am trying to meet more people I hate.
+4 because I already hate this guy, so he has a point.
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
telling the truth….you are way too cute to be into a good man like me….but good luck…..finding mr wrong…..only joking….im sure you have made the right descision in rejecting me…..its cool…..
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+5 for all of those ellipses.
+2 because “good men” apparently don’t know how to complete sentences.
+7 for the intense passive-aggression. Wah-wah, hot girls never like NICE GUYS like me! Confirmation that dude is a chode.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
[via Facebook message]
she said you were awesome and we would get along, i recognize you from school throughout the years. i just started my facebook page and only have old pictures tagged on other peoples pages.the one is from 2005 halloween in sf, do you recognize me? Do you want to get a drink or something? whenever is good for you. or we can chat on this more, or call each other.whatever you want. SO… its pretty tough being our age and single in this town, right? its almost depressing.the majority of girls are either married,in a long term relationship,a junkie, undateable from being completly maladjusted and culturally deprived, has a kid or is with child (ive seen so many pregnant little girls lately).i love kids but moms never have time for fun, im not looking for that. I like to have fun and be out around good people just enjoying the company of others. be able to do something or go somewhere at the drop of a hat. so… I do not have a job at the moment but… ive worked since i was 15, had a job at diegos the last year then got laid off cause the owners hired family members. i am getting unemployment for the first time and enjoying no school anymore finally and no work. i wont look for a job until my unemployment is a month from ending (march), or if a good job falls in my lap.SO im happy with my current situation.i have a nice house in wildwood, car. thats the other thing. For girls most of the guys around here are jobless, car-less, penniless from paying the child support for 1,2, or 3 kids, disrespectful what else? do you have anything to add? I am writing a lot, huh? your thinking Im CRAZY. your a ucsb grad? you in a career? what do you like to do? are you even interested in meeting a new person at the moment?My pet peeve is when a girl i just meet judges me because of my sign. Im not big into that, at all. But, i am a pisces, my rising is scorpio. I don’t know why i know that. Is that a deal breaker for you? when was your last significant relationship? write me back.
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+3 for TL;DR
+5 for it’s so hard to be single in this town because “the majority of girls are either married,in a long term relationship,a junkie, undateable from being completly maladjusted and culturally deprived, has a kid or is with child (ive seen so many pregnant little girls lately).” Um, what town do you live in?
+6 for “i am getting unemployment for the first time and enjoying no school anymore finally and no work. i wont look for a job until my unemployment is a month from ending (march), or if a good job falls in my lap.SO im happy with my current situation.” Really, you’re happy sitting around waiting until a job falls into your lap? You sound like a winner. I hear that people get jobs all the time from sitting around playing World of Warcraft and masturbating themselves to sleep.
+3 for “I am writing a lot, huh? your thinking Im CRAZY.” Yep and yep. Points for self-awareness.
+2 for “your a ucsb grad? you in a career?” Clearly you are a middle school grad, but not much higher. How’s your career unemployment going?
+8 for “My pet peeve is when a girl i just meet judges me because of my sign. Im not big into that, at all. But, i am a pisces, my rising is scorpio. I don’t know why i know that. Is that a deal breaker for you?” THAT’S your pet peeve? I mean, I guess if that’s a deal-breaker for her it’s time to cut her loose, but really?
+4 for “write me back.” If it needs to be said…
TOTAL POINTS: 31.
hey their this is a little weird a blind internet date chat dam. anyways i like fantasy tv programes, movies. into dragons wizards have a couple tattoo’s not big into the games but just always like the art side and the magical side of things. not sure what to really say but hit me up :)
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+5 for this guy is 13, right?
+4 because maybe you should get into some fantasy books — may teach you a few important things about the English language.
+3 for dragon tattoos (“tattoo’s”).
+2 because exactly what I’m looking for is a man who doesn’t read and is totally divorced from reality.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
