A(n)nals of Online Dating

Subject: Looking for someone I can talk to about anything

And I do mean anything 

Like, 
How modern ethics and morals have created a system that lacks evolutionary pressure on the human species. This to me says there may be a regression in portions of the population a rift that will eventually produce three distinct species - One that is lean, intelligent, and long lived. One that is cunning, big boned, and short lived. And then the Chinese. Honestly, long term, the totality of the race might have been better off with the regime of Hitler. He seems to have had the right premise but the wrong plot. What we need is an Adolph Hitler without the hate and repression…. 

Or, 
The Sea of Silence in Mexico. I’m curious, very curious. I kinda wanna go check it out… OOH! and the Everglades. I want to ride one of those boats with the big fan on the back! 

Or, 
Zombies (It’s gonna be fungus, not a virus) 
Social dynamics (aka “those silly friends of mine”), 
The best flavor of ice cream (clearly cookie dough…clearly) 
You know… Anything

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+15 for “Honestly, long term, the totality of the race might have been better off with the regime of Hitler.” (a) You said that, and (b) You said that to a total stranger, and (c) You typed it, which means you had a chance to think about it and you sent it anyway. YOU JUST SAID HITLER HAD SOME GOOD IDEAS. Reconsider your life.

+5 for three races: The tall and thin, the short and squat, and the Chinese. Fourth race: The unapologetic racists.

+6 for the sudden shift towards “I am so fun!” He loves the everglades! And LOL zombies! And isn’t ice cream so good? Especially after a hard day of ethnic cleansing?

+3 because everyone wants someone they can talk to  “anything.” Anything sounds nice! But we don’t usually mean we want to discuss the benefits of genocide.

TOTAL POINTS: 29.

Hi Salty gal how are you. I would like to lick you, while drinking Taquela shot. Joseph

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+4 for “salty gal.” What?

+5 for his idea of romance amounting to “BODY SHOTS!”

+3 because he misspelled “tequila.”

+4 for “I want to lick you”… if I’m drinking while doing it. Not so flattering.

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

adventr park lova here Hot n sweaty at times lol

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+2 for spelling, grammar, punctuation and capitalization carnage.

+6 for “adventur park lova.” Does that mean you’re one of the men in the cartoon costumes at Disneyland?

+5 for “hot n sweaty times.” That is exactly the kind of times I would imagine you have in your Mickey suit.

+3 because really though, what does this mean? I thought only convicted child molesters worked at adventure parks?

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

[dude with 420 in his username]: this may catch you off guard but do you want to hang out and possibly be hookup buddies? im looking for some close to home. depending on the kind of person you are this maybe very sleazy sounding, in that case i apologize

[her]: sorry not really interested in being “hookup buddies”. good luck though!

[dude with 420 in his username]: wanna know what i really want but i cant trust to get?

[dude with 420 in his username]: lol

[dude with 420 in his username]: wanna know what i really want? someone to hold. someone to tell me it will be ok when its not. someone to love me, and someone for me to love.

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+2 because at least he’s direct.

+3 for “I’m looking for some close to home.” Also he is lazy.

+5 for “depending on the kind of person you are, this may sound kind of sleazy.” Translation: If you are a ho, you will be on board. If you’re a classy broad, you will refuse.

+10 for his confession that engaging in hook-up culture is just a cover for his deep desire for a real relationship, with a woman who will hold him, love him, pet his hair and tell him everything is going to be ok. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day, and shouldn’t we all be so lucky as to find someone who wants it with us? Oh dude, you’ve made me change my mind, I’ll come over and blow you after all.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

Title: Hey, what is with this “bi” shit?

Message: Honestly, you seem like a sweet girl, and hold many potentially noble ideals, but this is something I’ve seen commonly on this site, and I’m curious as to what it’s really about. Your body is designed in a certain way, that is, to receive a man, and this is something you enjoy, but yet, you entertain the notion of artificially reproducing this amazing effect with some kind of gadget operated by another woman? I fail to see the logic in this. Will you respond and clarify to me?

Also, allow me to unceremoniously offer my view on “feminism”, in the form of an example. Let us examine the concept of “women’s sports”. Now, “women’s sports” dictates that there be a separate league, where only women are allowed to participate in, and this is done in the spirit of “equality”. However, if they really were interested in being treated completely equally with men, they would consent to compete against them! The very act of forming a separate league contradicts the very equality which they so desperately seek to establish! They are admitting that **they are not equal to men**, whereas imagine how fucking awesome it would be if **one single woman were skilled enough to challenge, and beat, then men**!!! It would change the whole world! But no, the women continue to play in their inferior league, and wonder why the hell nobody wants to come and see them play! It is because they are putting up an inferior product, besides the fact that they are undermining their own ideologies! So, what parallels could you draw from my example, into any other realm of “feminism”?

Anyway I doubt you will respond, and this is not personal, you just happen to be the girl that I was checking out while this was on my mind. All the best 8)

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+5 for “Your body is designed in a certain way, that is, to receive a man.” FYI, my body was also designed to receive a tongue and a dildo, and your body was designed to receive a dick in your ass and mouth as easily as mine can. Just food for thought.

+6 for “but yet, you entertain the notion of artificially reproducing this amazing effect with some kind of gadget operated by another woman? I fail to see the logic in this. Will you respond and clarify to me?” Answer: Boobs are cool and getting your pussy eaten feels great, no matter who’s doing it. Also gadgets can be operated by anyone, including men, and the fact that you think your dick is better than any vibrator leads me to believe that you are crap in the sack and don’t understand that jackhammering for 3 minutes isn’t good sex. Clear enough?

+8 for his genius explanation of why feminism is bad: A League of Their Own.

+3 for “you just happen to be the girl that I was checking out while this was on my mind.” Oh really? When you were sitting in your bedroom, thinking about bi girls? Your body is designed to be received by a woman, not to be pleasured by your own hand.

+2 for “I doubt you will respond.” Nah, I love it when dudes suggest that my body is made to take their dick and that women are fundamentally inferior. Call me!

TOTAL POINTS: 24.

hey

why dont you reduce your weight a bit?

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+8 for oh no he didn’t.

+2 for “hey” as a somewhat friendly introduction to a phenomenally rude message.

+5 because why would anyone ever think this was an appropriate thing to tell a stranger (or anyone, really, unless you are their doctor and even then maybe not)?

TOTAL POINTS: 15.

A girl I grew up with had milkshakes that brought people to varies yards around my hometown, she died(non-milkshake related death) though… 

Anyway she was like the third coolest person I’ve met so I messaged you in hopes that you would live up to that hype. (y/n?) 

My name’s Zach if you choose to respond, if not whatever. (trying to protect my ego)

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+3 for milkshake reference. I still haven’t figured out exactly what that’s supposed to mean.

+4 for “My name’s Zach if you choose to respond, if not whatever. (trying to protect my ego).” Oh Zach. You don’t need to say that last part. You actually don’t need to say anything other than “My name is Zach” (spell out “is,” plz). We all know “if not, whatever” is an attempt to protect your ego, and also makes you sound like a jerk.

+7 for “here’s kind of a funny and potentially charming anecdote about a girl I used to know BUT THEN SHE DIED.” Womp womp.

+2 because the message is basically “A girl gave me a boner AND THEN SHE DIED. U will give me a boner?”

+5 for “I hope you live up to the hype of my dead friend.” First, was “live up to the hype” a bad joke, or is he serious? I think serious? Second, WHY.

+3 for “y/n” to a question that she can’t possibly know the answer to. (“Heeeey boy, of course my milkshake is bangin’, way better than the dead object of your erection”).

TOTAL POINTS: 24

Morning Mom I’m looking someone like you

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+10 for putting that Oedipus complex right out there.

TOTAL POINTS: 10.

11:20:31 pm)[Guy]:i’m worried you think you’re a lot more interesting than you think you are

(11:21:08 pm)[Girl]:lol ok

(11:21:14 pm)[Girl]:thanks for the warning

(11:21:28 pm)[Guy]:as a 6.5/10 female… with the world as her oyster when considered a “minoriity” in academia (and beyond)… you maybe set the bar a little too high…

(11:21:41 pm)[Guy]:imagine if you were “white”

(11:21:42 pm)[Guy]:?

(11:22:01 pm)[Girl]:excuse me?

(11:22:18 pm)[Guy]:i wasn’t clear?

(11:22:29 pm)[Girl]:no you were not. hence my confusion

(11:22:31 pm)[Guy]:i meant to say you’re getting a ph.d. because you’re a minsotry

(11:22:35 pm)[Guy]:minority*

(11:22:42 pm)[Girl]:ah ok

(11:22:48 pm)[Girl]:I understand now.

(11:22:53 pm)[Guy]:as opposed to myself, who had to work 10x as hard

(11:23:06 pm)[Girl]:I imagine that you did

(11:23:09 pm)[Guy]:but you set standards for what you expect?

(11:23:20 pm)[Guy]:you should be happy with what you were given, am i right?

(11:23:33 pm)[Girl]:where are you attending currently?

(11:23:42 pm)[Guy]:we aren’t swinging dicks….

(11:24:01 pm)[Girl]:No. You’re an idiot, but I was taught to never argue with a fool ppl might not know the difference

(11:24:05 pm)[Guy]:only a minority or a legend would ask such a question

(11:24:34 pm)[Guy]:i am a fool that, as “average,” had to work far harder than u in order for us all to make amends for your past

(11:25:11 pm)[Guy]:please don’t sell yourself as a well-educated, progression woman. it’s disgusting.

(11:25:50 pm)[Girl]:don’t sell yourself as a phd candidate who doesn’t know how to properly use words and form a coherent sentence

(11:25:53 pm)[Girl]:but have a nice night

(11:26:02 pm)[Guy]:lol

(11:26:03 pm)[Girl]:and best of luck in your struggles as a white man in america

(11:26:11 pm)[Girl]:don’t let the minorities grind you down.

(11:26:22 pm)[Guy]:i’m in grad school….

(11:26:40 pm)[Guy]:i’m getting my ph.d. in the most competitive field…

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+5 for whoa racist using OK Cupid chat to puke his views all over some unsuspecting lady.

+6 for her response. She is a seriously classy broad, because I would have gone apeshit on this dude.

+3 for “as a 6.5/10 female.” Really? You just rated her, and it was kind of low, and then you told her? I’m sure she only got that 6.5 because she’s a minority. If she was white, she would have been a .65, because whites have to work TEN TIMES HARDER at everything.

+6 for “i meant to say you’re getting a ph.d. because you’re a minsotry.” Obviously one benefit of being a “minsotry” is doing absolutely nothing and still being awarded a PhD in 14-karat gold wrapping paper. Every minsotry has one.

+3 for “only a minority or a legend would ask such a question.” She asked where you go to school, which is a completely normal question, and was being nice even after you told her she only got into her PhD program because she’s not white. What does that response even mean? What in the f is a “legend” in this context? 

+4 for “i am a fool that, as “average,” had to work far harder than u in order for us all to make amends for your past.” Correct on the “fool” part of that sentence. Given the grammar carnage it’s unclear you’ve really worked all that much harder, but you have clearly put a lot of energy into bitterness and resentment at not being handed everything in life on a silver platter, which obviously is your birthright as a white man. A for effort.

+5 for “please don’t sell yourself as a well-educated, progression woman. it’s disgusting.” Please do continue to sell yourself as a well-educated conservation man getting his PhD “in the most competitive field” (Male Studies? Western European history?). I am 100% sure that all your representations are true. Keep working 10x as hard. It’s a competitive world out there with all these minority PhD candidates who can spell and punctuate correctly — a white man really has to step up his game to maintain social and economic dominance.

TOTAL POINTS: 32.

LADY NEUROTICA  : HOW ARE YOU ?..IS THAT PROPER QUESTION TO ASK A SHRINK…??? I AM 70…YOU ARE 30…I WON’T HOLD YOUR TENDER AGE AGAINST YOU…ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE SMART , BEAUTIFUL, & ACCOMPLISHED…YOU SAY IN YOUR PROFILE THAT YOU SEEK SOMEONE WHO ” HAS COME UP WITH A BETTER WAY TO SELF-DESCRIBE ” READ MY PROFILE…DOES IT FILL THE BILL…???I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS FOR YOU…DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH CAVE MEN…AND DO YOU KISS ON THE FIRST DATE…???AS YOU CAN SEE, I OBVIOUSLY NEED A SHRINK…DO YOU CHARGE BY THE HOUR,DAY, OR WILL DINNER DO…??? SOOOOOOOooooooo shrink this… i await your response… my name is AL

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+3 for capitalization mania and spelling and grammar carnage. I understand you’re 70, AL, but why do olds have such a strong need to hold down the Shift key? And then why the regression to all lower-case until AL?

+5 for “I am 70.”

+3 for “do you have anything in common with cave men.” I mean, I eat raw meat and I like to club people over the head. That sort of thing?

+3 for “As you can see, I obviously need a shrink.” Points for self-awareness.

+4 for “shrink this.” Believe me, Al, anything that was engorged indeed shrunk after reading this message.

TOTAL POINTS: 18.

Wen where and how hard should we fuck cuz I got mah dildo and u got ur vagina letz get it on

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+3 because today must be lady-creeper day at AOOD — sleazy ladies are a rare breed, but we just had two in a row.

+4 for “mah dildo.” It’s actually shorter to type “my.”

+5 for “u got ur vagina.” Actually, I think we both have vaginas? But ok.

+2 for spelling and grammar carnage.

+3 for “letz get it on.” Obviously you meant to type “lez get it on” and made an error. Amateur hour.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

ugly and uninteresting…good luck!

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+5 for being from a chick who has no profile and no pictures of herself and apparently uses OK Cupid as a platform to abuse strange men.

+2 because what a B. I hope her Mean Girl internet behavior at least means that the people in her real life get some reprieve from her shitty attitude.

+2 because her handle has the word “princess” in it. Because of course it does.

+3 for “good luck.” Thanks?

TOTAL POINTS: 12.