A(n)nals of Online Dating

You look like Rachael Maddow, but pretty, not like a lesbian.

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+7 because Rachel Maddow is a very attractive woman, so thanks, kind of?

+6 for the insinuation that lesbians are by definition not pretty. Dude, have you seen Portia de Rossi?

+2 for the negging. Come on, dudes, we have all read The Game. Stop with the vaguely insulting observations.

+3 for ever thinking it’s a good idea to use the “You look like so-and-so, but pretty!” line. If you think someone looks like an unattractive celebrity, keep it to yourself. No lady wants to hear that she’s a spitting image of 2002 Nick Nolte (1976 Nick Nolte, ok).

TOTAL POINTS: 18.

How are you? How is week going? It was a hot one today!

It’s movie season……I saw Bridesmaid,it’s funny!!

Anything fun planned for the Summer?

A little more about me…….. I teach 5th grade. My students are great!! Im an out going guy with a great sense of humor! :-) I like going out and trying new restaurants, there are so many popping up all over. Chain’s are boring! BBQ anytime are great. Boating in the summer at my brothers cabin is a blast! I like being spontaneous and doing things that aren’t planned. It seems that is when fun things happen. :-) I run a lot in the summer. I coach a varsity fastpitch team. I love sarcasm. it’s a plus
We should grab a drink and see if there is some chemistry. :-))……and Im fun!!! :-)

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+8 for Jesus you’re a TEACHER? I understand that fifth-grade English isn’t all that complex, but I’m pretty sure you’re expected to know basic punctuation, right?

+4 for his List Of Things He Enjoys. Restaurants! BBQ! His brother’s cabin! FUN, he loves FUN!

+3 for repeated apostrophe and other punctuation carnage.

+2 for “I love sarcasm.” I suspect that isn’t actually true, and I have my doubts as to whether this guy would be able to even grasp the concept of sarcasm. The repeated emoticons point to “no.”

+2 for “I like being spontaneous and doing things that aren’t planned.” Me too! Especially pregnancy. Let’s go out.

TOTAL POINTS: 19.

if for some reason we get together and fool around,
you have to promise to be my friend, ok?

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+3 for emotionally needy like whoa.

+4 for the implication that girls who fool around with him never want to be his friend afterward. Not a selling point, brother.

+2 for “if for some reason we get together and food around.” Yes, if for some strange reason, via a dating website, we just happen to meet, who even knows why, the world is a strange place, but if we do just happen to get together (not that I’m asking for you to get together with me, because I am clearly not asking), and if in the course of getting together we happen to go to one of our houses and touch each others’ genitals, we should perhaps hang out after. Ok?

TOTAL POINTS: 9.

Your pretty. I like you’re hair. It reminds me of the days of yoar. Roar!

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+5 for using both “your” and “you’re” incorrectly.

+2 for misspelling “yore.” At least he got “roar” right.

+2 because what does “roar” even mean?

+3 for trying to make a cutesy rhyme, but (a) it doesn’t make sense, and (b) every sentence except for “roar” (which is one word) contains a spelling mistake.

TOTAL POINTS: 12.

um, even though you didn’t answer, could i mt my nutz on u and rub it in with my cok, or even if you do, is it cool?

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+10 for thinking this is an appropriate follow-up to a lady not answering his message. “Hmmm, she didn’t respond… but she’ll probably let me rub my junk all over her, right?”

+2 for spelling carnage, especially “cok.”

+3 for “mt my nutz.” It took me approximately 15 minutes to understand that he meant “empty.” I mean, it was pretty obvious from the context, but I’m glad I have the full picture.

+4 for no, actually, I am not glad AT ALL that I have the full picture. Gross. You need to pay a professional for that shit, not solicit random women on the internet who have intentionally not replied to your previous attempts at communication.

TOTAL POINTS: 19.

Message 1: I was sweating this picture. foam is very sexy honey uuuh i love he he;))

Message 2: My god. let this baby die in your arms and let him take me to heaven, this angel…ohhhh love he he ;)))

Message 4:  Happy birthday. You look so sweet, such as colorful candies. … licking and sucking out the taste of sugar in the most beautiful girl in this candy is quite tasty and wonderful ıımmmmm lovee ;)

Message 3: oohhh Continue like that baby…milk bath and magnificent twin peaks as well as hardness of soft sweet endings ;)))

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+6 for sexy dead baby comment. Schwing!

+2 for double-chin (and triple-chin) smilies

+3 for repeated grunting noises.

+2 for spelling, grammar and punctuation carnage.

+5 for “licking and sucking out the taste of sugar in the most beautiful girl in this candy is quite tasty and wonderful.” Is that an oral sex reference? Because I promise that does NOT taste like sugar.

+6 for “milk bath and magnificent twin peaks as well as hardness of soft sweet endings.” That is the most disturbing and roundabout way to describe breasts I have ever heard. Also, “milk bath”? There will be no milk baths, sir. I thought it would be impossible for anyone to ruin boobs for me, and yet here we are.

TOTAL POINTS: 24.

I would live to snuggle with you…although my little brother might want to snuggle with your pussy

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+10 for OMG WTF so gross and weird I just want to respond with acronyms (OMGWTFSGAWIJWTRWA).

+4 for using the word “pussy” in an online dating message.

+5 for using the term “little brother” in the same sentence as “pussy” in any context other than “my little brother is such a pussy” (and even then, NOT IN AN ONLINE DATING MESSAGE).

+3 for “snuggle with your pussy.” Not even sure what that would look like. Scissor-kick head-lock? It’s clear that neither you nor your brother have much experience in the pussy department, so allow me to explain that it’s just not that big of an area and is also relatively well-concealed, and so snuggling with it may be a challenge.

+ another 2 for the little brother thing. No idea why you thought this was a good idea. It is not, in fact, the give-a-lady-a-boner version of the classic gross dude-porn “I have a twin sister.” It is just disgusting and probably means you should go to jail.

+3 because oh did you mean your penis?

TOTAL POINTS: 27.

I was really bored and decided to browse all these ads on this website and thought to myself, “Wow! Look at all these lonely, depressed, and desperate women.” Then, I came across yours and thought… “Wow. This is a lonely, depressed, and desperate girl that is actually CUTE!” Haha, I’m just kidding. But I am messaging you hoping you’re more interesting than your picture! Get back to me!

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+3 for going straight for the insults, repeatedly. Put down the Neil Strauss.

+2 because he forgot “cat-owning.”

+5 for making fun of all the lonely, depressed, desperate women… who are on the same online dating site he is.

+4 for “I am only kidding,” and then insulting her again. Call me!

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

Message 1 Subject: forreal?

Any man should love to have u as his woman.. If u was mine, i would love you down everyday and pamper you. Most mornin, you wood wake with my head under the covers, tryn to get ur attention..

Message 2 subject: 1 more thing…

I can see all woman in your face. As im lookn at you know, i feel the rise in my pants.. Im in Iraq, an if i was in the states, i would be tryn to get up with you.

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+9 for “Most mornin, you wood wake…” I think he just can’t spell, but that’s a winner anyway.

+2 for grammar, spelling and punctuation carnage.

+3 for “I can see all woman in your face.” (a) What? and (b) Gross.

+5 for just straight out telling her that he’s using her photos as spank material. At least he’s a gentleman and he used the phrase “I feel the rise in my pants” instead of the more succinct “boner.”

+3 for “if i was in the states, i would be tryn to get up with you.” First of all, you are already getting it up for me. Second, since you’ve sent me two online dating messages so far, I think it’s reasonable to conclude that you are in fact also trying to get with me. So let’s not play with this “would” nonsense.

+3 for saying he’ll wake her up every day with oral (that’s what he’s doing with his head under the covers, right?). So I’m as big a proponent of oral as anyone (my motto is, Oral: Do It, It’s Great!), but offering a stranger on the internet unsolicited morning oral? After you’ve “loved her down” the night before, and also you are in a tent in Iraq? Listen, I support the troops, but no.

+2 for using the phrase “love you down.” I’m glad we’re bringing that one back.

TOTAL POINTS: 27.

From a lady’s online dating profile:

My self-summary: I’m pretty much a regular girl in school for business and parties and just cuz that’s what your supposed to do to figure life out. I’m trying to be more interesting but honestly don’t have tons of hobbies mostly just don’t even have enough time to keep up with all my friends and stuff. Sorry if that’s not good enough but you dont have to like me. I’ve got a bf but he knows I’m on here. I’m not a slut so don’t send me pics of your junk for no reason.

The six things I could never do without:

My itouch
Music
Cute clothes
Cute animals
Uummm… Toilet paper? Lol

On a typical Friday night I am… Either dancing drunk in a club fighting off guys… Or reading cracked and staying up all night doing dumb shit like that… Anybody else like that…?

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: The reason my face isn’t in my pics is because I’m in an open relationship… Don’t take that as me being slutty it’s just a fact. Just lots of ppl don’t approve is all.

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+7 for “I’m trying to be more interesting but…” Girl can’t even PRETEND to be interesting / interested in anything at all. “What are your hobbies?” “Um… I don’t really have any.” “What do you like to do?” “Um… you know, stuff. Dudes hit on me a lot, so there’s that.”

+3 for “in school for business and parties and just cuz that’s what your supposed to do to figure life out.” LOL what is learning?

+5 for “reading cracked and staying up all night doing dumb shit like that… Anybody else like that?” No. No one else in the universe ever does dumb things, or stays up all night reading. You are destined to be alone, with your boyfriend and perhaps some cute animals, for the rest of your life.

+6 “Don’t take that as me being slutty it’s just a fact.” I’m pretty sure that “it’s just a fact” is not a good response to an insult. “Uh, dude, you’re kind of a jerk.” “Sure, I punched you in the face, but don’t take that as me being a jerk, it’s just a fact.”

+2 for “I’m not a slut so don’t send me pictures of your junk for no reason.” You should totally send dick pics to all the sluts out there, though.

+4 because she is NOT a slut, ok? Seriously. Don’t even THINK that she’s slutty, because sluts are gross and she is NOT like them. The AOOD editors say, embrace your sluttiness, sister! Believe me, we have a lot of fun.

+3 for listing five things as “the six things I could never live without.” And two of them involve the word “cute.”

TOTAL POINTS: 30.

I’m 20 white male former marine and very sweet and romantic single dad of 6mobth older daughter looking. For a lifelong lasting wife interested and willing to be a wife and mother and incest with her when your ready write back for more info I’m new to this site and on iPhone

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+10 for “incest with her.” Whoa whoa whoa. I’m hoping that’s related to the part where you are “new to iPhone” and therefore haven’t quite gotten the hang of Autocorrect.

+2 for grammar and punctuation carnage.

+4 for “I’m looking for a wife and mother.” That gets the panties wet.

+2 for describing himself as a “white male,” in case that wasn’t obvious from his photos.

TOTAL POINTS: 18.

Turkey or Ham? Oh and stop trying to act so god damn tough! It’s not cute lady!

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+8 because there is nothing about turkey or ham in her profile.

+6 because she’s listed as queer, and this message is from a dude.

+3 because her profile is pretty clear that she is not into dick, and yet he goes straight for the meat commentary.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

May 11, 2011 – 3:44pm Let me know if ever you want some obligation-free head sometime. I’m very easy, I can deepthroat, I love eating cum, and I don’t get lock-jaw.

May 11, 2011 – 9:47pm Are you even remotely interested?! I mean, I don’t wanna be buggin’ you if you’re not into it and I got no chance at all in hell, but if I should keep on messaging you in the hopes of getting your dick in my mouth, I will. Just let me know. You’re really cute; it’d be my HONOR to suck your cock.

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+7 for “and I don’t get lock-jaw.” Girl, I’m jealous.

+2 for “I’m very easy.” You don’t say.

+3 for the follow-up. Protip: If you offer to suck a guy’s dick and he doesn’t respond, he is really not interested. Like, really really really REALLY. He didn’t see your message and responding to you just slipped his mind because he had to go do laundry or something.

+5 for “it’d be my HONOR to suck your cock.”

+4 for threatening to keep messaging him unless he lets her blow him. Are there really so few dicks to be sucked in the world that you have to keep harassing this poor gentleman on OK Cupid? Go to a bar! Walk by a firehouse! Stand on a street corner! I promise, there is no national shortage of no-strings-attached dick.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

First and foremost this is a message to be buddies not lovers…. but yea of you think I we could date in the future… I wouldn’t say no, your pretty enough ( I hope you got the sarcasm, I would love to date you… I find you so pretty, i would even kidnap you its just my way of saying I really find you beautiful

you need to now, I have this whole summer ahead of me and have all the time in the world, but no plans and no one ( a close friend of mine had promised to come, but his excuse not to come was, he forgot to apply for a visa)

So is it too early to ask you out ( not on a date) but as treat ( treat…??? I can’t think of the right word)
are you saying no? when you should be saying YES
ok then how about a positive reply?
are you again saying no? when you should be saying YES

Ok fine your very difficult, atleast I hope I could make you laugh, think of it as a return, of the times I laughed while reading your profile

( please notice I’m trying to be really nice guy hoping this would in a way force you to reply, even though I’m not that nice lol )

I’m sure we will find something in common

cheers
Yash

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+5 for “let’s be friends and not lovers, unless you want to be lovers, in which case let’s get married now.”

+6 for “i would even kidnap you its just my way of saying I really find you beautiful.” I also find that committing felonies is a good way to demonstrate your affection. Like I would punch you in the face, it’s just my way of saying I really enjoyed this message.

+4 for the repeated “are you saying no? when you should be saying YES” followed by “please notice I’m trying to be really nice guy hoping this would in a way force you to reply.” Definitely a good choice to respond to a man who doesn’t understand the word “no” and uses being a “nice guy” to force you into things. I do not see what could possibly go wrong there. 

TOTAL POINTS: 15.

so instead of that’s what she said lol i started saying “dot com” and it turned out to be pretty win. Ex. You should stick it in! —dot com! Haha and then its like imagining a website like that! Like some sorts porn site! But porn on the internet? Unlikely.

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+6 for “it turned out to be pretty win.” I think our definitions of “win” may be slightly different. Mine is Michael Jordan. Yours is Charlie Sheen.

+2 for punctuation and grammar carnage.

+5 for “Haha and then its like imagining a website like that!” Good explanation. Good-explanation-dot-com!

+3 for using “you should stick it in” as his example. When you and I are hanging out and we get to the point where I say “You should stick it in,” you should definitely yell “DOT COM!” in response.

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

~!*~**HeLLLo0 M!Sz~?!?~~*

How did the Easter hoLidAy go 4 yA~!?~
Discover any loSt eggs N~ the yArd~? Welll neiTher did I`… maTTer oFv faCtly ,I` went kaYaking on WiLson’s Creek on the big dAy ~&~ was surpriSed that moSt ofv my friends had REAL planz on the holidAy~!
~!*!~*AnYyyY~*wAy*~*!~*
I` genU!nLy hOpe ~U~ enJoyed *U’r~ EaSter„, but aFter reAding
aboUt cHa….
feLt liKe WE,., woUld hAve had an even n!Cerrrr time oVer the hoL!dAy iF only we hAd met eaCh oTher so0oner thAn later~!*
JuSt feLt compeLed 2 wriTe yA N~ hopes ofv leArning so muCh mOre aboUt
the LuOVeLy FlowWer thAt I` see here B~4 me~~*!*~
I` bet we hAve mOre N~common than either ofv us hAve yet 2 find.
*;>)
I`’m very oPen, HoneSt ~&~ genU!nLy lOOking 4 soMe~1 thAt is searching 4 an eXploS!ve, vibrAnt relationship thAt wiLL aCtuaLy laSt so0 much loNger thAn “oUr” previous
onez did~! I` thiNk thAt cAme oUt riGht~?
Either orrr
I`’m sincere when I` sayyyyyyy,.
“From whAt I` read here, *U~ seem 2 me, aH very sweet g!rL w} an adOraBLe perSonaL!ty thAt I` am genU!nLy “taKen” by~!”
WiLL ~U~ shAre sOme oFv *U’r~ coLors dear ~& teLL me more
aboUt cHa~??~
*U’r~ new friend 
[redacted]
*************************CHEEEERRRsZz**~*!!!~*~*!~*****!!~***
but ~UUu~ can
call me
WoLf!eee

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+10 because oh my god I can’t even begin to read that.

+9 because this was written by a 30-year-old man.

+5 for effort. Writing this must have taken FOREVER.

+3 for “call me WoLf!eee.” Does that mean “Call me Wolfie”? I think yes?

TOTAL POINTS: 27.

ain no brain stank gon don did CRIBBY WIBBLES

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+25 because I honestly have no idea what this is even attempting to say, and a google search for “cribby wibbles” came up empty.

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

You said you wrote and taught so thought I would ask even though prolly not what you want from this web site. If you answer great :) I could put alot of fluff here but you know you are good looking and such so why I did not flatter you at start.

I am never real comfortable saying this and sounds big headed, but here I go. I have always done ok in school, but always in gifted programs, found out later my IQ was well over 180. It does not work for everything and I have an issue with staying interested in things why I have not graduated and going back to school. (just letting you know not trying to say college grad yet) Have my own business, do taxes with my dad who is a cpa so would say I am “left brained” ?

Anyways I am a bright guy but I am terrible at writing, I have at this point in my life started writing, teaching myself piano, ancient greek, and painting. In Psych classes I actually had a prof take pity on me in Ohio and I took final over in her kitchen while her husband monitored / helped me expand sentances.

So my question to you is, I of course have a few novels mapped out. I have an entire listing of characters, maps, and plot. How can I learn to write? I can plagarize in a way by taking what like Modesitt writes and migrating that to my needs. BUT how is best way to learn to expand? I read about 1000 pages a week of assorted so I see it in print.

Bob comes to the wonderous lake and sees it is blue……..

Anyways I know it is too much like work but thought I would ask.

Mike

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+6 for “My IQ is well over 180” but I still can’t spell “a lot,” “wondrous,” “sentences” or “plagiarize.”

+4 for genius-level grammar carnage.

+3 for “I could put alot of fluff here but you know you are good looking and such so why I did not flatter you at start.” Yes, why in the world would you pay compliments to someone you’re trying to date?

+5 for messaging this lady to get a free book editor.

+3 because his handle indicates that he is into both David Foster Wallace and nudism.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

(2:16:20 pm) [GUY]: wanna fart in my face

(2:17:05 pm) [GUY]: simple question

(2:17:19pm) [GUY]: cmon

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+10 because it is, in fact, a simple question.

+5 for the hostility. If you want me to fart in your face, you’re going to have to be a little nicer.

+2 because he just opens with the farting. At least offer to get me some White Castle or perhaps a plate of cabbage first. Amateur hour.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

From a lady’s About Me:

Don’t talk about other girls around me. When I stare at your mouth, kiss me. When I push you or hit you cause I think I’m stronger than you, grab me and don’t let go. When I start cursing at you trying to act all tough, kiss me and tell me you love me. When I’m quiet, ask me whats wrong. When I ignore you, give me your attention. When I pull away, pull me back. When you see me at my worst, tell me im amazing. When I’m scared, protect me. When I tease you, tease me back and make me laugh. When I look at you with doubt, back yourself up. When I say that I loves you, I really do more than you can understand. When I grab at your hands, hold mine and play with my fingers. When I bump into you, bump into me back and make me laugh. When I tell you a secret, keep it safe and untold. When I look at you in your eyes, don’t look away until I do. When I say it’s over, I still want you to be mine. Stay on the phone with me even if im not saying anything. When I’m mad hug me tight and don’t let go. When I say I’m okay don’t believe it, talk with me because 10yrs later im gonna remember you. Call me at 12:00 am on my birthday and tell me you love me. Treat me like im all that matters to you. Stay up all night with me when im sick. Watch my favorite movie with me or my favorite show even if you think its stupid. Give me the world. Let me wear your clothes. When I’m bored and sad, hang out with me. Let me know im important. Kiss me in the pouring rain.

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+5 for “When I push you or hit you cause I think I’m stronger than you, grab me and don’t let go.” Actually, the correct end to that sentence is “DUMP ME BECAUSE I JUST HIT YOU.”

+3 for WALL OF DEMANDS.

+2 for “give me the world.” Totally reasonable expectations from this one.

+3 for “When I say it’s over, I still want you to be mine.” Yep, totally normal. Definitely someone you want to date.

+3 for “When I say I’m okay don’t believe it, talk with me because 10yrs later im gonna remember you.” Sure, let’s get married.

+6 because this entire thing could be summed up as “I am a total basket case who plans on emotionally manipulating you for the rest of your life. Also I push and hit.”

TOTAL POINTS: 22.