May 2012
21 posts
"Horror all the way" is the most accurate thing...
My self-summary: I’m relaxed, cool, and sometimes off the charts crazy. Unpredictable and mysterious. I’m the type of woman to slap you across the face and then pull your pants down and devour you. I’d be happy to find my perfect match. You must be WHITE. I accept nothing else or less. Sending me a message will be a WASTE OF TIME if you are not white.
What I’m doing with my life: I’m enjoying...
And my ninth-favorite racial fetishizer won't stop...
My fifth favourite smooth-skinned exotic beauty has not messaged me back; I’ve been masturbating with my own tears
__________________________________________
+5 for racism.
+8 for “masturbating with my own tears.” At least he’s a funny racist?
+2 for using a semi-colon but not a period.
+4 for the neg. Your fifth favorite? That is a very sad attempt to get some...
The Most Nicest Guy in Milwaukee
I love that site. I will start off by admitting I’m not Brad Pitt but I’m not the worst looking guy in the world either. I have a great job, I’m athletic, I’m smart and I’m funny as shit. I know everyone thinks that they’re funny but I’m the funny guy. All of my friends and friends of friends talk about me as being “that funny guy.” I’m...
In Buzzfeed This Week: Men on the Internet Would... →
Sorry that online dating has distracted you from...
Fuck you cunt, your a worthless piece of shit like all women. All I want is a relationship and sex. Report me and get me banned from this shit site again. So I can get some kind of little life back I had.
____________________________________________________
+10 because this is NEXT LEVEL SAD.
+3 for the lead-in. I’ve read a lot of terrible openers, but “Fuck you cunt” might be...
Your caption makes me think you're quite a catch.
+6 for calling a girl in your photo — who maybe you used to date? or at least were friends with? — a “bitch” who is “dead to me” on an internet dating site. I am sure all of the ladies will flock to such a nice young man, in the hopes that one day they can be the bitch he wishes were dead. Nothing weird, creepy or threatening there. Keep moving.
+4 for you...
At least he puts his best foot forward.
+50 for holy gigantic sock-dick. Can we even call that thing a dick? It seems almost unfair to include this dick in the same category as all of the other, more reasonably-sized dicks out there.
+4 because it might be stuffed. The head looks a little large, doesn’t it? But he could have taught 7th-grade me a few tricks about using socks to enhance your assets.
+5 for g-string.
+another...
So classy I use a solid gold vibrator.
You are a classy woman but you need a little dickin on the side just like everyone else. Every 30-something year old has a little somethin somethin on the side. Let me be your hot one.
_________________________________________________________
+4 for “classy.” The only people who use the word “classy” in all seriousness are probably not actually classy. See, e.g., The Real...
In Buzzfeed this week: Nice Guys
We’re all looking for nice guys to date, aren’t we? Well there are PLENTY of them online, and they would like you to know how Nice they are. (They are so nice. They are the Nicest Guys). Head over to Buzzfeed and find ‘em.
Is it ok if I cook fries better than you? I'll...
I like a woman who is happy being feminine and not trying to convince me she can do everything a man can do. It’s OK with me if a woman does something better than a me. Except being masculine. I’ll keep that role thank you. And although I really do appreciate beauty, hopefully your life goal is more than to be the lead fry cook at the local McDonald’s. It’s OK if you are younger….all I ask is...
Sorry, I only indulge the fetishes of men who...
+5 for normal-ish (if annoying) first sentence, segueing directly into foot fetish.
+6 because barefoot on a cake is new. At least it’s not barefoot in a box of worms or something.
+3 because you know this is a copied-and-pasted mass message, so that every lady on OK Cupid now knows about Jim’s frosting-on-feet boner. Come on, Jim. You clearly have the internet. Maybe google image...
"Replies very selectively."
+5 for kinda odd (“everybody ages 25-58”), kinda odd (“we can meet sumtime in the longrun”), ONLY ANAL.
+6 for a very interesting definition of “casual.”
+3 because this lady is married.
+4 because her pics are of her butt in a leopard-print bikini. Because of course they are.
+10 for “Replies very selectively.” I suppose only anal with...
Anonymous asked: "For some internet daters, black women also exist for the viewing (and sexing) pleasure of white people" People of all ethnicities do this kind of stuff, not just white people. I was hit on a black guy that said he only dated white chicks. Me (as a white woman) turned him down and told him I didn't date racists.
This week on Buzzfeed: Racists!
My column at Buzzfeed this week is all about racial fetishists who go online. And don’t worry, there are lots of people in the comments who are REAL MAD because making fun of racial fetishizers is totally JUDGEY and, like, hypocritical because there are some non-white people who also want to date people of a specific ethnic group. It’s fun! Go read!
Who doesn't love the wonderful smell of newborn...
Message 1: I really like cats. They smell great. unless they’re wet.
Message 2: Sorry about the cat thing. Its a weird day.
_______________________________________________________
+2 because this isn’t really offensive or anything, just… bizarre.
+3 because clearly he re-thought the cat plan 20 minutes after sending the initial message. Which, fine, you should re-think that...
King of the GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
OKCupid tells me that “no one has contacted you in over a week”, and that makes me incredibly sad. Because you seem like a very cool chick, who’s intelligent and well read and happens to have just the proper amount of snark to her. This travesty will stand no longer. I’m not quite sure what I have to offer, though… I’m too far away to try the, “Hey,...
And you've reminded me to clean out my inbox with...
Text: It’s not everyday you find people with an IQ over platypus. My point being, giraffes can Clean their ears with their own tongue.
_______________________________________________________
+3 for nonsensical.
+5 because this guy is probably right — I would imagine he personally does not come across many people with an IQ over platypus.
+2 for random capitalization.
+4 for...
A(n)nals, Illustrated
You guys are the best. A lovely reader sent in this fantastic illustration of this classic post. Oh how I LOLed. Thank you lovely reader!
A(n)nals: Now With More Comments
Exciting news, daters and haters: A(n)nals now has a comment function so we can all collectively make fun of idiots. Be nice to each other, and enjoy!
A(n)nals in MetroNY
If you are a miserable New York City commuter, I hope you picked up a Metro this morning and were at least pleased to see that A(n)nals got a nice mention. And if you aren’t a miserable New York City commuter and instead are a miserable person with internet access, you can read the piece here. Thanks for the shout-out, Metro!
Buzzfeed Column: Dating Advice From Insane Dudes
Something I see fairly regularly ‘round these parts: People who message other people to explain exactly what is wrong with their dating profile / their picture / their message / their face / whatever. Unsolicited! And usually in response to totally benign “problems.” So I wrote about it at Buzzfeed. And next time some tool tells you that your smile in your profile picture looks...
