A(n)nals of Online Dating

Hi…looked over your profile…its rare to find what i need so im gonna be blunt..it seems your openminded and kinky..id like to be tied up abd fucked with a strap on..if interested we need to talk…

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+6 for blunt indeed.

+4 because I’m all for kink, and if your kink is being tied up and fucked with a strap-on, good for you! That isn’t even all that odd, if you’re a regular Dan Savage reader. But maybe it’s something one should work up to with a partner? Or find on Craig’s List? Not really appropriate on a dating site.

+5 for “it’s rare to find what I need.” After looking at my profile you concluded that I am more likely than the average gal to tie you up and fuck you? Was it because I said I like Stanley Kubrick?

+3 for “if interested we need to talk.” Haha. Yes. I would imagine we would.

TOTAL POINTS: 18.

APPLICATION for Cyber SEX
DEAR madam,. I kinda like you. I want to have sex with you but since thats not possible as I am in India I want to see u fingering your anus on webcam. I HAVE DONE IT WITH A FEW babes on OMEGLE and it was fun.
Please give me an appointment….

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+5 for at least he’s polite in his application?

+9 for “I’d like to have sex, but since that’s not possible, I’ll offer you a second option: Finger your anus on webcam.” Bold move, good sir.

+8 for I HAVE DONE IT WITH A FEW babes. Haha. Sure. And by “I’ve watched a few babes finger their own anuses on OMEGLE” what you really mean is “I saw a bunch of dudes jerking off on ChatRoulette,” right?

+4 because is “I’ve done this with a bunch of other chicks before” supposed to make her want to do it? Peer pressure? Competition? What, exactly, is the incentive here?

+3 for “anus.” Especially “finger your anus.” Especially “finger your anus on webcam.” I am alternately 12 and 85, I know, and as grown-ups we should all use anatomically correct terms for our body parts, but if you’re gonna get all porn-requesty, at least use porny language? “Anus” is not doing the job. And asking someone to do ANYTHING on webcam is hilarious to my 90-year-old self. Kids today, with their anuses and cams!

+5 for asking for an appointment. “I’m sorry sir, I’m trying to fit you in my schedule, but my anus-fingering-on-webcam slots are all filled up this week! If someone cancels at the last minute I’ll give you a call and try and squeeze you in.”

TOTAL POINTS: 34.

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+5 for at least having standards?

+8 because whatever, you can’t even HANDLE this:

TOTAL POINTS: 13.

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+5 for someone REALLY not being into flaky girls. Unlike all of those other guys on Ok Cupid, who are like, “Yo flaky girls are really my jam.”

+6 for “don’t judge.” Dude. You are internet dating. EVERYONE ON THIS SITE IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU BEFORE THEY KNOW YOU. That is how they determine if they want to go out with you.

+4 because for someone who is so anti-judging, he’s a little judgmental of flaky girls, huh?

+7 because everyone knows that anyone who is like, “Ugh NO MORE DRAMA, PLEASE!!!!” is always a total drama queen, right? It is a universal rule. Dramatic people attract and create drama, and then love to complain about how much they just HATE it. Take a look at your life. If the common thread between all of your relationships is “drama,” perhaps the problem is you.

+2 because clearly I’m just trying to start DRAMA by telling you that. Don’t worry, we could never date anyway because I am totally unreal and flaky and as soon as I see a guy specify NO FLAKY CHICKS AND NO UNREAL CHICKS I’m like, damn, ok, I would have totally hit it but the truth is I am just not very REAL so I guess he isn’t the one for me!

TOTAL POINTS: 24.

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+5 for the “eat out” t-shirt as his profile pic. And the slight duck-lips he’s making are pretty choice. This one definitely knows how to pull in the classy ladies.

+6 for MILFs, LOL.

+3 for his typical Friday night sounding normal, normal, normal, what?

+3 because I think this is supposed to make women attracted to him? Like, “Oh, 50-something-year-old women want to touch your nuts, let me intercede!” Nope.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

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+10 for rhinestones, little dog (bubbles!) and glorifying “gold digging.” Someone didn’t get the memo that Paris Hilton adoration is very 2005.

+4 for I have NO IDEA why “Mr. Right” wouldn’t want to date a woman who is going to use him for his money. She’ll use it to get really sweet manicures probably!

+2 for the first thing people noticing about her being “her girls.” You mean they don’t immediately see your strong character or your sparkling wit or your cutting intellect? Weird.

+3 for rhinestones on EVERYTHING. I KNEW someone must have tried Tip #16.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

HOLY CRAP ………you are cuter than a new puppy peein on its tail ! (I have more haha) Id like to know more ? JOHNNY

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+3 for laughing at his own joke. LOL haha.

+4 for a puppy wetting itself as the epitome of “cute.” I like puppies as much as the next CuteOverload fan, but they are not cute when they urinate on themselves.

+6 because this guy was also on a TV show where he claimed he won an Olympic gold medal in skeet shooting. That never actually happened.

TOTAL POINTS: 13.

We get it, men suck. Now go write a real article, you whore.
*Half of that was sarcasm. I truly hope you all get which half.

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Sometimes the comments on Buzzfeed are just as good as real online dating profiles! Also my latest column about the most awful misogynist dudes ever is up now.

MESSAGE 1: I really would like to just talk a bit one day. Not tonight, not trying to corner you. I’ve been working on a project for the weekend and am about to crash. I’ve found you to be a great inspiration in a bizarre 3rd party’ish way. I wrote to you earlier, but didn’t send it.. I’m a month into this site this week and am very discouraged, not cause I want things to happen overnight, but I have a hard time comprehending why people are either so aloof or full of themselves. You and one other girl, honestly, seem different. The other, lives even farther from me than you do and isn’t quite the same…

If nothing else, I am really interested in seeing some of your writings.

-Brian

MESSAGE 2: You’re right, hair looks so great it almost neutralizes the lameness of a self pic.

Unfortunately, you don’t seem interested in even a clever exchange of words. I would just like to leave you with a few sincere comments.

When I first came across a jaundice looking thumbnail, I figured, poor lighting, or offer some herbal advice. What I found were multitudes of inspiration. How’s this so, without direct communication? Well, I’m a thinker and I regularly reflect on what goes through my mind and, at least what I *can* perceive of, my central nervous system.

Without regard for communication by your obvious disinterest, I am more free to be even more candid than my already open nature.

That said, your face and emotion perceived through images of laughter, combined with your words, was enough to spark a lot of inner dialogue. Some took less time than it takes to type, while some didn’t hit me for days or more.

First- I now realize, the aesthetic attraction I tried to shrug off as shallow, is here to stay and trying to abate something so natural to me, I believe, would result in future misgivings should I try to avoid it.

Another- I thought of a new t-shirt phrase: Will travel for romance.

Another- I admit, I hit the favorite button, *mostly* because I am a bit shallow and found your face to be the prettiest I have yet encountered on this site, but will un-click that status shortly, cause, hey, why torture myself. Leave well enough alone. Further, maybe I can offer you a glimpse into the minds of men you may not even half-heartedly trust.. Can I really be this revealing by telling you what my private note to self was? Fuck it, “your private notes” To wit: Totally my type. Breathtaking doesn’t do her justice. Gas and tolls on the daily if we clicked. So hate the 70 miles between us that is NJ. Lie to yourself Brian, think what a nasty person she must be, she probably kicks dogs, might be a socialist and thinks you’re ugly……..F’k!, still doesn’t make it better. This is why I didn’t want to sign up for this, now look at me, I’m ranting notes to myself and thinking when the last time was I actually prayed out loud.

Another- I actually considered myself Agnostic for a long time, until I dug through enough etymology and mystery school text to dislike the word and find it a misnomer.

I could go on, trust me, but maybe you see the point. Whether we are aware of it or not, it’s amazing how profoundly we can impress one another. This is an aspect of life, most of us shrug off unfortunately.

I wish you the best in all. I was raised by a single mother and value many of her wise words. That said, I bow out, however disheartening. I find it a loss, if nothing else, for the inability to share some of each others perspective to better become whoever it is we may better be one day.

Namaste, Brian

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+5 because this guy lives two states away, sends a bizarro initial message and then gets all butthurt when the object of his internet affection doesn’t respond.

+4 for repeat negs. “You and one other girl seem different.” “Almost neutralizes the lameness of a self pic.” You seem great.

+3 for TL;DR.

+4 because I am sure this dude has good intentions, but the whole thing is just so intensely creepy and apparently intended to guilt its recipient into responding?

+2 for the single mother / “women are so wise” bit.

+4 for full-on “I bow out, but am so disappointed” full-on guilt trip at the end. If you have to shame someone into talking to you, maybe reconsider a few things.

TOTAL POINTS: 22.

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+2 for smiley.

+5 for neg. A spice girl? Really?

+3 for bringing it back to ‘99.

TOTAL POINTS: 10.

Speaking of planned parenthood. Did you know that in new York that 70 percent of abortions by afircan Americans were performed by plan parenthood??…..their doing what the klan couldn’t..lol.

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+7 because there is a pretty strong correlation between “pro-life” and “racist.”

+6 for the most disturbing use of “lol” I’ve ever come across.

+5 for trumpeting bizarre racist/misogynist talking points on an online dating site. Who exactly do you think is GETTING those abortions? Is the implication that black women are kinda like the Klan except more successful? LOL. Very LOL.

+2 for fantastic spelling carnage. Clearly your shift key works, so why do only use it intermittently? And clearly you know that the organization is called “Planned Parenthood,” so why not just call it that?

+4 for thinking that it’s ok to send this message as a romantic overture.

TOTAL POINTS: 24.

Ok, ya got me, I’m a straight, punk, skin headed, gay/lesbo hater. But it’s not a sin, because the Lord up above made us who we are, we all have a chance to be up there with him;) but, yes, I definitely don’t agree with gay acts.

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+9 for “gay acts.” You know, the actual “acts” that gay people do in bed are really not all that different from what straight people do. Straight people give and receive oral sex. Straight people give and receive anal sex. Straight people stay up too late watching E! and pass out before having sex. “Gay acts”: We all do them.

+7 for “straight, punk, skin headed gay/lesbo hater.”

+5 for explaining that being gay isn’t a sin, it’s just ACTING gay that’s the problem.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

hi. Are u a strong white lady and do u have mean side as well? You look strong and sexy and i love to email gift cards to strong white women. Do u like gift cards? 

my mom is jealous of white women and she hate when they fart by her. What wuld u do to her if u farted by her and she got attitude or hit u? 

my mom shuld bow down to white women. she has weak arms, ankles,and knees, and is outta shape, and u r probly stronger than her.

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+3 for a pick-up line involving gift cards. Who doesn’t love gift cards?

+4 for mommy issues to the max.

+5 for his mom hating it when white women fart by her. When anyone else farts in her direction she is totally fine I’m sure. Clearly she is racist.

+7 for the fascinating hypothetical: What would YOU do if you farted by his mother and she got an attitude or hit you? I’ll tell you what: I would not fart at a stranger to begin with, and I’d avoid this whole issue.

+4 for insisting that his mother should bow down to white women because of her weak arms and knees. Wouldn’t that make bowing harder?

+3 because what lady doesn’t want a nice young man with some deeply-held race issues and a preference for white women because he knows it’ll anger his mom, who hates white-lady farts?

TOTAL POINTS: 26.