And you kinda remind me of a guy I would never message back.
+6 for opening with sexual abuse.
+4 for “you remind me of a woman who was sexually abused by several people.”
+8 for that tampon story. That’s… kind of awesome? But also fucking disgusting and crazy. I mean, fuck that guy, what a toad, but yeah pulling out a tampon in a bar is… something. If I were a random patron, I would be displeased.
+5 because you realize you just sent someone a paragraph-long message about your best ex-girlfriend, right? Someone you are trying to date? Someone who you are implying is maybe kinda like her, but obviously not as fearless and awesome? No. That is not how you get your dick wet (or bloody, as the case may be).
Date me or I will kill myself. (Don't worry, ladies, I am not at all threatening).
why can’t I find a good looking woman with her life in order to DATE and be in a RELATIONSHIP with??? Am I too ugly? I would have thought having a stable job, place of my own, car, Harley, dog and no kids would be a good thing??? but it seems that those things don’t matter. I think I am a decent looking guy. I’m not sure what I have to do to attract the right woman. I’m not picky, but yet I don’t want someone that weighs more than i do. As long as you are pretty in your own way.. have all your teeth and they are not yellow… Is it too much to ask for a pretty woman that I am proud to be with and have a little arm candy?? I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but being single sux a$$ and I wanna change that! I don’t wanna get married right away, need to find the right one first. I’m just stressed and glad I don’t own a gun… I might get depressed and do something stupid with it………
+10 for whoaaaaa suicidal! You want to know what you are doing wrong? That is what you are doing wrong.
+6 for you know what else you are doing wrong? Not caring at all about women as actual people. I mean, I can’t fault you for having impossible standards (although the “no fatties” thing is kind of… come on). But maybe be more picky? Have some sense of what you want a partner to be like outside of physical appearance? Because “Sweet Jesus, ANYONE WILL DO AT THIS POINT” has gotten surprisingly few people laid.
+4 because the “right woman” is the same thing as “arm candy.” LOL women. My friend said that maybe I should treat them like they’re “people” and not decorative accessories. Can you believe that guy? Hilarious.
Please respond with your approximate height and weight. I need it for the cage, I mean dress I’m planning on buying you.
I’m 5’8, 185 lbs, Christian, spiritual, single, monogamous, romantic, politically incorrect, Conservative Libertarian, kind of funny, a little crazy, very protective, and as a bonus, I smell a lot like love and have intelligents two - won a spielling be in gramnar skool. I’d like to meet a single white or Latina female with a pretty face who is under 5’8 and not over 200 lbs - nothing against BBWs, just don’t want to get squished. Middle Eastern nymphomaniacs and Jehovah’s Witnesses who are frustrated virgins are OK too. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, so even if you aren’t that crazy about the way you look, I may see you differently, since I’ve always been the type who likes people for their qualities, but loves them for their defects, especially when I’m drunk, which is quite often. Now if your idea of a good time involves Italian Ice, cheap champagne and long passionate nights rocking the funk (69, from behind, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, all the good ones) with your sexy junk, I’ll be on you like lack of pigmentation on an albino.
But seriously, I am looking for a long term relationship (but will settle for great sweaty sex with someone who douches, uses deodorant, doesn’t have smelly feet, and is willing to pay attention to me for more than 30 seconds at a time), so I need a chick who will make me a priority in her life at least 2 or 3 times a week. I don’t have time for games or excuses, so leave your doctor’s note at home. I ain’t buying it and you shouldn’t be selling it sister.
Sometimes I’m a little insecure and require assurance and I can be a handful, but that’s only because I have a huge heart and have always had the misfortune of hooking up with women, who seem intent on either breaking it or rolling over right after they get their tinglies. So selfish. I hate that. I do need my cuddle time and I’m not just saying that like most guys do. I will cuddle you until you file a restraining order against me. It is that serious. I will smother your ass. Clingy doesn’t even begin to describe how needy I am. Some people have accused me of being bi-polar as well, but terms and descriptions have such negative connotations - I prefer emotionally spontaneous, selectively demented, delightfully unpredictable or orally gifted. Not that picky when it comes to labels.
If you live in my area and are childless, that’s a big plus (one of my recurring nightmares involves a bunch of half Oriental, half-black, 100 percent snot-nosed, red-headed children tugging at my pants and calling me, “Daddy”), being single (may consider really hawt married chicks who won’t cheat on me with their husband OR ANY ONE ELSE), faithful and STD free is a must. Are you moist yet? Then send me your photographs (full facial nudity appreciated - no mustaches please). If you don’t, you’ll never get to see me…. cause I will find you, then blind you…..
My ad was formerly known as, “Latino Still Seeking Chubby Shorty With a Pretty Face.” That didn’t work out too well. Some of the females who responded were scarier (not physically, but mentally) than me. Yikes!!!! So I decided to stop discriminating against wealthy benefactors, publishers and those who are calorically challenged. That’s right ladies. I am now available to affluent, middle-class and impoverished women of all shapes and sizes, as long as you meet the aforementioned criteria in the preceding paragraphs and think you can handle me and my craziness. Yippee hippie!!! I feel like a kidney in a candy store. But wait, there’s more!!! If you act now, you may win a date with me in knee pads. We can discuss who is going to be wearing the knee pads later.
Disclaimer: I am married —- to having fun. I’ll show you the time of your life - movie, dinner and slow dancing. Then afterward, I’ll go to the police and report you missing. Who’d of thought it would be so hard to find a soul mate on CL with an enticing offer like that?
Disclaimer Part Deux: Most chicks who reply don’t make it past the email or texting/phone stage and the ones who do, I wish hadn’t. Alas, whoa is me. Oh yes I did girlfriend. Whoa is me. See? I did it again for good measure. I’m controversial. You can’t stop me. I’m out of control. Are you? If so, touche douche . That’s French.
Much like its creator, this ad will remain a work in progress until it is answered, by someone who is so cute, that Hello Kitty slashes their tires out of jealousy. And when that day comes, I shall weep - tears of joy my friends. Sweet tears of joy.
Which reminds me…. Some people say, “Grace,” before they eat. I say, “Helllooooooo Kitty.”
+3 for TL;DR.
+5 for the opening line setting the stage for an incredibly creepy message ostensibly penned by the Abusive Boyfriend in every Lifetime movie ever.
+4 for “douches, uses deodorant and doesn’t have smelly feet.”
+6 for threatening to cuddle you until you get a restraining order, and then saying that it has been suggested by multiple people that he has an untreated mental illness. Hilarious! Definitely date this guy.
+8 for “one of my recurring nightmares involves a bunch of half Oriental, half-black, 100 percent snot-nosed, red-headed children tugging at my pants and calling me, “Daddy”.” I can count approximately 4 different kinds of racism in that one sentence. Can you find more?
+3 for his gross oral sex joke at the end. $10 says homeboy has never been face to face with a “kitty” in his life.
I may act like a teenage girl, but at least I don't write like one.
WHY ARE U SO MEEN 2 ME I WAS JUS INTERESTED IN U CUZ U SEEM LIKE A SWEET PERSON BUT I SEE UR NOT U JUST PRE JUDJE ME WITH OUT EVEN KNOWING ME GROW U UR ACTING LIKE UR A TEEN AGE GIRL IN STEAD OF A WOMAN IN HER 20TYS I DONT WANT 2 TALK 2 U EITHER GOOD BYE
+6 for “U JUST PRE JUDJE ME.” I wouldn’t say it’s “pre,” but yes, I have judjed you. For not being able to spell. And for using zero punctuation. And for sending me angry/sack-sad ALL CAPS messages on an internet dating site.
+8 for the kindergarten power play: I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU GOODBYE! And yet here you are, still talking.
+4 for the middle school power play: YOU ARE SO IMMATURE, GOD.
+5 for believing that any woman who doesn’t want to date him — him being a clearly insane young man — is clearly an immature teenage girl and not an adult woman capable of making rational choices. I suspect even immature teenage girls do not want to date men who e-scream at them and complain that a refusal to hang out with them is being “meen.”
+6 for sacrifice and rape. Sacrifice and THEN rape? I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than the opposite order.
+2 because of course his name is Edward. Is this some bizarro Twilight shit? I don’t understand.
+4 because does he understand what “sacrifice” means? I suspect no, and that he thinks it’s just part of some intense BDSM business. Because actually getting killed is not going to give you any boners.