A(n)nals of Online Dating

Fat cows should not be allowed on this site

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+5 because really, that’s your message? That’s it?

+3 because is he calling her a fat cow? I think so? It takes a special kind of person to look at a person’s profile, decide you personally do not find them attractive, but send them a message anyway just to insult them. And then to not even make it clear whether it’s an insult or a simple observation. I mean, this took up at least five minutes of your life. Think about that.

+4 because at least we all know that this man will be alone forever, and will whittle way the remainder of his days leaving poorly-punctuated comments on foxnews.com.

+2 because cows can’t type. Hooves.

+4 because the woman who submitted this message gave it an amazing headline, which I am stealing for this post. Thanks lady!

TOTAL POINTS: 18.

tu se belissima bella, molto molto molto belissima bella, you are absolutely beautiful and astonishing, that was italian, and no I am not italian, I just lived in italy for three years, and asia for three plus years, and I would be very interested in getting to know you, how about affording me an opportunity to do that bella,

I am somewhat new to south florida, although I have been a resident for some time, I just never really lived here and that would be because of my extensive career in the military, and now that I made my transition back into the civilian population, I am enjoying myself,

I look forward to your reply,

cam,

Eight days later, same picture, different username:

ciao bella, I would be very interested in getting to know you, care to give me a chance bella ?

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+3 for the double message. If you’re going to try to be sneaky, at least execute it.

+5 for “That was Italian.” Actually no, not really.

+4 for using his very simple, very incorrect Italian as a way to tell her he lived in Italy for three years, and in all that time was unable to learn how to say “you are pretty.”

+3 for thinking that dropping some Italian will drop the panties.

+2 for punctuation carnage. Commas and periods serve different purposes, my friend.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

My name is [redacted],am contractor by professional job.it is
so painful allowing people to known what i have gone through
with my life.
I have been into a relationship with a girl i have promise
with the whole of my life,we so much believe in each othere,
because we do things togethere.we have been together for 3years
without dissappoinment,we both promise to get marrige.it is
painful that along our relationship she has an accident
and die the following day,when i hard this bad news i nearly
die too,because i have dedicated the whole of my life to this girl.
For the whole 5months i can not believe the death.i so much love this girl
and have truth in her,But there notting i can do about it because that
is the way God want it to be.
For the past 1years &5months i have be so lonely heart,it is
not an easy thing to be lonely i need someone who will replace the
missing heart.
I need a girlfriend that is nice and caring and who like to
be inlove.And also need someone who can focus and so much
believe in relationship.
I need a seriouly girlfriend which the friend will lead
to relationship wedding and happy family home.
you can reach in also throug my email [redacted]@yahoo.com
am always online on yahoo messenger add it and let talk fine.
Regards

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+7 because this is all very sad, but it’s definitely a lie.

+2 for grammar/spelling carnage. Interestingly, he does appear to be a native English speaker.

+4 for “I was in love with a girl, but she died, so now I need a new one so I can have a relationship, a wedding and a happy family home.”  Dude knows how to get a girl’s panties wet for sure.

+3 for Yahoo messenger.

+4 for mentioning that it is “so painful” to let people know what has happened in his life, and then detailing it in a Match.com message, probably copied and pasted to several ladies.

+3 for blatantly trolling for pity-fucks.

TOTAL POINTS: 23.

Exciting news: A(n)nals now has a regular column on Buzzfeed. I’ll be posting messages over there that I don’t put up on the blog, and instead of rating them will group ‘em together to show particularly disastrous online dating patterns. This week it’s the dudes who propose marriage (and often divorce) online. Go, enjoy.

Message 1: wanna spread your meaty lips and suck the cum out of your pussy

Message 2: you have a juicy pink pussy with nice meaty lips that needs a face to cum on

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+2 because oral sex is awesome but you just made it sound totally fucking disgusting.

+4 for “meaty.” UGH. STOP IT. There are very few women who, when envisioning their own vulvas, want their labia described as “meaty.”

+5 because this lady is a normal person and does not post photos of her genitalia on Match.com, and therefore he has never seen her pussy, so he has no basis for his assessment of it as pink and meaty (UGH again, I am grossing myself out just typing “meaty”). Her pussy might be more brown and skinny. It might be pale and tiny. We don’t know, and thank god! So stop with the visuals! 

+3 for his offer to suck the cum out of her. That’s not really how it works. The vagina isn’t a straw, and any attempt to vacuum-suck cum out of it is going to be… weird. And noisy.

+6 for both messages making very little sense. This is why grammar rules are important, friends. Are you asking if she wants to spread her lips and suck the cum out of her own pussy? Because look, I do a lot of yoga and I am also fairly slutty, but even I would not do that even if I could. And who is coming on what face now? I understand that you want a vagina on your face, and that’s something I fully support, but you’ve gotta think of a more effective way to convey that desire. If these messages weren’t so poorly phrased, I’d suspect the sender was a writer for Esquire.

No points, but I’m also wondering how many followers I’m going to lose for having the phrase “meaty lips” grace the face of this website so many times in one post. It’s ok you guys, I understand.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

hey im 26 in brooklyn and in a relationship. I have pics if your interested, goodlooking, white athletic. Im not looking for anything too serious….more chill and stress free times. Im looking for someone to have drinks with and fun once in a while and maybe some rough fucks….

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+2 for zero apostrophes.You know a guy who is too lazy to hit one extra key is going to be awesome in bed.

+4 for “I’m not looking for anything too serious” shortly after “in a relationship.”

+3 for “stress free times.” Yes, being the Other Woman for a guy who cheats on his girlfriend via Match.com is a notoriously stress-free experience.

+5 for pretty much standard douche message — in a relationship, can’t spell, thinks “good looking” is one word, uses incorrect form of “your,” misuses ellipses, offers “pics,” describes himself as “athletic,” just wants to “have drinks and fun” — right up until the end, when he brings it over the edge with “rough fucks.”

+2 because this guy’s version of “rough fucks” is basically just jackhammering, right? And maybe grabbing your tits kinda hard?

+3 because what woman, when trolling for “rough fucks” on a dating site, wouldn’t want a guy who has zero photos and at least one girlfriend?

TOTAL POINTS : 19.

how about u give me the red wings of death

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+2 for succinct.

+7 for “red wings.” Do the kids still use that term? Aww, kids.

+5 for “of death.” I’m not even sure what that means? In my day (I am 96) “red wings” was a reference to eating out a girl on her period (everyone should try it, orgasms relieve cramps). But where does the “of death” come in?

+4 because as much as I am a proponent of period sex — as I am a proponent of sex of most kinds — soliciting someone via internet dating site for period-oral? I’m not against it, we all have our things, but, well, it seems a little… intense? Especially since you appear to equate it WITH DEATH?

+3 because if this turns into some murder-scene fantasy role-play, I am out.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

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+8 because that’s this dude’s profile picture. Big red monkey butt that looks like big red monkey balls. I see where he’s going with it — what lady doesn’t love some big ol’ Bs? — but that just looks uncomfortable. 

+2 because at least the balls appear to be relatively hairless. True gentlemen keep it trimmed and tidy.

+3 because his dating profile headline is “down to earth (no games ).”  It’s a smart move, because if he didn’t specify that he wanted “no games,” someone like me might message him and then I would definitely want games, and everything would go to hell.

+11 because he lists his ethnicity as “ Caucasian Aquarius with Black hair.” 

TOTAL POINTS: 24.

do you like cum in your eye? I have a fetish of a cumming in a girls nose. Lava Lamp.. i also heard sometimes i smell like bologna. i hear i taste like onions thats because i eat so much plan white rice. Chalk board. I think bunnys are cute. I was having sex with this girl one day and she said she smelt bologna and i turned around and a milk dud fell out of my butt crack. I havent showered in a few days maybe i need to do that. I like gumbie. This morning i was watching nascar and i stared playing with my balls and i pulled my hand up and i had some fromund sause and wanted to know if you wanted some??????? Dirty dish rag… I think it has been there for a few days….. Flea… Dryed up cum spot on a tee shirt… for fun i like to stick a tolet papper roll up my butt….

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+5 for the opening line. Definitely wasn’t expecting that to be the most normal sentence of the whole message. Although PSA, dudes: I’ve said this before, but there is not a woman on the planet who is like, “I would really love it if a stranger on the internet would enter my home, do absolutely nothing for me sexually and then cum in my eye.” Enough of you seem confused by this that I’m starting to worry.

+3 because I also think it’s pretty safe to assume that strangers on the internet who smell like bologna are vectors of disease who will probably not be returning any orgasmic favors. So all you’re going to get out of this? Sheets that smell like lunch meat and chlamydia of the eye.

+5 for his extremely unusual fetish. The only worse place I can think of for a dude to cum than in your eye? Up your nose. No one wants to get waterboared with semen.

+2 because at least he likes bunnies. Clearly the man isn’t a total monster.

+8 because this has to be some sort of weird sexual fetish, right? Like, he sits at home alone at night writing the most disgusting messages he can think of to unsuspecting women on the internet because it gets him off somehow? You can tell toward the end, because he’s not even trying anymore. He’s just like, “Ok, gross things… Flea! Dried up cum spot! Dirty dish rag! Toilet paper! Butts!”  Dude isn’t even pretending to make an effort.

+2 because he can apparently spell “bologna” but not “paper.”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

HELLO DEAR, 


IT NICE TO KNOW YOU I JUST LOGGED IN AND SAW YOUR PROFILE READ ABOUT YOU I ALWAYS TRY TO SEARCH MY OWN SELF OR INNER SOUL YOU ARE ALWAYS SURPRISE BY YOUR OWN FINDINGS AND MANY TIMES IT AMAZES YOU, BUT I FEEL ITS WORTH TO KNOW YOUR OWN SELF. 
WELL AFTRE READING YOUR PROFILE I JUST DECIDED TO SAY HI TO YOU, I HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN AND JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE, LOVE TO TALK, DRIVE AND DO ALL THE NONSENSE, AS I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE, LAUGHTER AND SMILE, SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK. I HOPE THAT YOU ARE FINE AND ROCKING AS EVER. WISHING YOU A GREAT WEEK AHEAD AND, IF YOU FEEL IT IS FINE THEN HIT BACK IF NOT THEN JUST TRY AND KEEP TRYING. KEEP THE SMILE ON 



Never take someone for granted. 
Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day, 
and realise that you’ve lost a diamond, while you were too busy collection stones. 



LOVE

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+2 for ALLCAPS until the Very Deep Thoughts.

+3 for the ALLCAPS portion of that message containing only four sentences. That is some bold comma abuse.

+5 for soul-searching on eHarmony, and discovering that what motivates and inspires him is the caps lock key and never taking a stranger on the internet for granted.

+6 for “JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE.”  So… you’re a tiny, mentally unstable and sometimes rude woodsman? Exactly what I’m looking for.

+4 for ” I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE.”  What the hell does that even mean? Adult or child, PICK ONE.

+4 for “SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK.”  Exactly what every grown woman wants to hear: I am going to chase you like a kid trying to pull your pigtails on the playground. Write back!

+5 for the diamond/stone/don’t-take-people-for-granted thing. It doesn’t even make sense. If you’re supposed to hold every person close to your heart, and people are rocks(?), then you should have a big stone collection at the end, right?

+3 because I was expecting him to tell her that he has 6 million pounds he can send her from a Nigerian account if she’ll just give him her bank account information. And instead we got a metaphor about rocks. I love a surprise ending.

TOTAL POINTS: 28.

*shrug* okay, suit yourself. 
bye. 
p.s. 
you’re so fucking hot i would lick the poop out of your butthole just to touch your ass

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+6 for sending this lady two moronic messages, receiving no response, and then letting this doozy fly.

+3 for passive-aggressive. “I mean ok whatever, I didn’t like you that much anyway, even though I feel like we had a really amazing connection based on the 45 seconds I spent reading your online dating profile and realizing that your favorite bands are, like, totally my favorite bands too, which doesn’t happen that often because everyone on here is just, like, a Pitchfork-writer wannabe but you and I both know what’s, like, ACTUALLY good, you know? But whatever, *shrug* okay, suit yourself, this coulda been something but whatever, not all of us want or need love.”

+12 for the licking the poop out of the butthole. Dear god, son! That is how you get E. Coli! And while God knows I am in favor of licking all over and in-between one’s bathing suit area, eating actual poop is where I draw the line (and I don’t have many lines — they are, in toto, poop, animals, kids, dead people). There are tons of ways you can get your hot-lady ass-touching (and hot-lady ass-licking!) needs in without exposing yourself to cholera. Investigate those.

+another 5 because this just ruined my lunch — which, by the way, was a $12 tossed salad, so thank you.

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

oh c’mon darling…

…why dont u put an average face with that average pen of yours??? I posted pics, so surely it is only fair to see the other side…especially one that talks such a big game… but lacks the Chutzpah to meet up in person.

Since I know you like rating others so much, how is this for a deal:

….if you are a 7 of 10, I will buy you a drink, an 8 of 10… two drinks, a 9 out of 10 (highly unlikely, even with makeup) 3 drinks and a 10 out of 10 (99.99% impossible) dinner, drinks, and $20 for the cab ride back home to your daddy’s estate.

The offer, which for some reason you cared not to share with your 10-12 nightly creepers, is extended by 12 hrs. (thank the rosh hosh holiday for my kindness).

you’re welcome in advance.

BEST GUY

p.s. it’s usually 10x the education, but im thinking it might be 12x w/you.

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+10 because this is an email received by yours truly. Uh oh… someone haz a sad because he was made fun of on the internet.

+3 for the joy it personally brings me to mock someone who emailed me first to complain that he was mocked, and then to (sort of?) ask me out.

+2 because this guy assumes I’m a chick. Could make the date interesting. (Not saying whether I’m a chick or not… just that, you know, it’s an interesting assumption).

+5 for what a sweet offer. I have no idea why anyone as astoundingly good-looking as myself wouldn’t take him up on it.

+3 because I have actually seen this guy’s internet dating profile and, well… let’s just say he averages -3 drinks, even with make-up. 

TOTAL POINTS: 23.

Hi, you’re a good looking girl aren’t you?? 

As well, at the moment I am incredibly randy and you are warming my regions. 

If you want hot embraces I hope you can squeeze me in. 

I have been told I have some “ghetto proportion”

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+4 for “I am jerking it to your Match.com profile.” Just what every lady wants to hear.

+5 for “randy” and “warming my regions.” Listen grandpa, if you’re boss enough to use the term “ghetto,” let’s update the Austin Powers lingo.

+2 for “hot embraces.” That sounds… sticky. And not in the fun way.

+2 for “I hope you can squeeze me in.” Oh I see what you did there.

+9 for “ghetto proportion.” I think he means he has a big dick, right? And that black guys have big dicks? And “ghetto” is now a synonym for “black”? Cool, I see nothing disturbing about that at all.

+3 because someone should submit this guy to Yo Is This Racist? (Yo, yes).

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

I dont do online dating primarily because I am better than everyone who does. But you seem neat, and I would like to hang out. Make yourself available tomorrow.

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+5 for “I dont do online dating because I am better than everyone who does.” And yet here you are, sending this message on Ok Cupid.

+2 because you definitely don’t use apostrophes better than everyone.

+6 for the demand to make herself available tomorrow. This guy is the walking embodiment of the correct caption to every New Yorker cartoon: Christ, what an asshole.

TOTAL POINTS: 13.

Just a friendly reminder that AOOD is here, too.

My self-summary

To start off..its my nature..2 be Pretty, sexi & krazi! !!. I .. just moved here about a month ago. I from Tennessee, l have big eyes & huge heart ..- I love to take care of other people ..- it so so happens I carry some of the best traits ..(besides looks) i have southern charm, thoughtful ways, thankful blessings / & cever when u least expect - im a very happy girl ..who loves to laugh- but I also can come off as abrupt & harsh .(.. im looking for a friend .a special friend .but not to SkeZe :) / if looking to get ur rocks off, u wont be doing that here..-, so (just because i have a certain attractiveness) <- just doesn’t mean im obligated )
we cant all be **FiVe*star**,Top KnoTch, Grade A, KnoCk OuTs…:) but I am :) so if u think im sexi & wanna let me know or just not a loser and wanna try to flatter ur self .. Leave ur plea :)
(NOTE: WasTe my TiMe OnCe!!- “F” ur SeLF TwiCe!!/ RaiNCheCkS Are unexceptionable! !:)

What I’m doing with my life

Working .going to school & TryiNg to Find a 1sT MaTe! !

I’m really good at

Making something ..outta nothing..& surprises :) & Being an complete AssHoLe sometimes:)- BuT I looked good while I did iT ..- I have a tendency to make everyone feel special :) Also

The first things people usually notice about me

Im just the attention. In the Center : ) : ) : ) / That I smile all the time & that I’m Prettier than the Girl your with!!!

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

•Some of my favorites : American psycho, cabin Fever 2, SLC PuNK, zombie Land , Jennifer’s body, bad lands, Flowers in the attic, Halloweens,ET, people under the stairs, Child’s Play ,Bad Lands..
Death Proof, Dancing at the Blue iguana, Party Monster, Fear,Freeway, probably. Too many I could. Go on.. :)

•TV: Nip /Tuck , Nancy Grace,

•Book is : Go ask Alice
•My favorite food is: a euro or spaghetti.
• THE COLOR I request. The most is Raspberry pink

The six things I could never do without

1. Adderall
2. Arm & Hammer toothpaste
3. Connections
4. A TAN !!:)
5. Cigarettes
6. Water, or redbull, StarBucKs

I spend a lot of time thinking about :

*:Everything ..& Making Wishes *:*:

On a typical Friday night I am

PreSSeD, dressed, & Ready..2 Go..: )

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I don’t really wanna tell everyone its public if I post that .. (Hahahaha)

You should message me if

/: ) : ) : ) / you think i’m sexi & want me to know it! ! :) & can be on time :)

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+5 because this woman is actually a grown-ass adult in her 20s and not a 12-year-old girl on her personal livejournal.

+4 for “Pretty, sexi & krazi!” Bold choice to spell “pretty” correctly, change one letter in “sexy” and just go nuts on “crazy.” She is so krazi!

+2 because you know she is naming her first child Krazi. And I’m sure that child will have a totally successful career in corporate America.

+3 for “it so so happens I carry some of the best traits.” Including humility and modesty, obviously.

+ another 3 for “we cant all be **FiVe*star**,Top KnoTch, Grade A, KnoCk OuTs…:) but I am :)”  So down-to-earth, this one.

+4 for “(NOTE: WasTe my TiMe OnCe!!- “F” ur SeLF TwiCe!!/ RaiNCheCkS Are unexceptionable! !:)”  I do appreciate the amount of time it must have taken for her to type this sentence, given the varied use of the shift key and the curious but clearly intentional punctuation. It is quite exceptionable.

+2 for listing “going to school” as something she is doing with her life. Oh honey. Go harder.

+6 for “Im just the attention. In the Center : ) : ) : ) / That I smile all the time & that I’m Prettier than the Girl your with!!!” In case you weren’t sure how often she smiles, allow her to illustrate with emoticons. 

+5 for her favorite movie being “American Psycho.” Obviously.

+4 for her favorite TV show being Nancy Grace. OBVIOUSLY.

+5 for “my favorite food is a euro.” I personally prefer the pound, but to each their own.

+9 for the six things she could never do without including Adderall, coffee, cigarettes and Redbull. No wonder she needs tons of toothpaste. Also, this is so gross and I can’t believe I am saying it, but the first thing I thought when I read this was, “God damn, she must poop CONSTANTLY.” And the second thing I thought (after reading cigarettes / a tan / red bull / coffee) was “God damn, she is gonna look 90 when she’s 30, and she’ll be lucky if her teeth are still in her head.” Then I felt like my mother so I went on to the next section.

+6 for “/: ) : ) : ) / you think i’m sexi & want me to know it! ! :) & can be on time :)” First, what is with the emoticons? Are they wearing berets? Second, this chick has the most over-inflated self-esteem I’ve ever seen. But yes, I am sure she is very sexi, so do let her know, since clearly most people focus so heavily on her intelligence and sparkling personality that her knock-out good looks get ignored. Third, what’s with the time management issues? Yikes. Buy your next boyfriend a watch maybe?

TOTAL POINTS: 58

How ru?.im hung over from club last night..wss wild saw 4 diff black guys hit on and try and dance on 4 diff white girls who all had white bfs with them.

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+6 because cool story, bro.

+2 for spelling, grammar and punctuation carnage.

+3 for “the club.”

+4 for weirdly racist anecdote.

+3 for wow what a wild night. I would respond to this message, but your life seems so intense and fun and awesome that I don’t know if I could keep up.

+2 because what’s the thought process here? How does one come to the conclusion that this is the kind of thing you should send to a stranger who you are trying to impress? Mysterious.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

u

Wuz up ladies!!!! Why are they so many fake azz woman out there, all of these fake azz promises of love, marriage, children, sex and all of that good stuff. Why is it when real comes down to real yall dont step up? Why is it when yall want to end things yall dont be real and just speak your mind but yet go around and cheat on someone? You all claim that yall real, what makes yall real, you bout your sex, you know you wanna get married NOW, not in tha future, you know what it feels to be in love and in pain? Do you love yourself with your looks and the way you are, if not how are you gonna say that you love someone else? I really don`t have that much to write, but all I have to say is that I`m the right one for you, I know I am, I have everything you would like and more, trust me. So don`t be scared to hit me up and maybe we could get a lil sumething started, if you`re real, plz no fake people allowed. I have both yahoo and aol, so just hit me up with your screen name and I`LL HOLLA!!!!

HOLD UP!!!! HOLD UP!!!! HOLD UP!!!! I KNOW YOU CAN`T HANDLE ME CUZ…..

I`M WORKIN WIT A MONSTER!!!!

UNLEASH YOUR FREAK, HOLLA AT CHA BOY!!!!

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+2 for the opening line: u.

+5 for so many Zs, and for beginning the substantive portion of his message by quoting the Budweiser frogs.

+7 for being so very put out by the fact that there are SO MANY women out there who want love, marriage, children, sex and ALL OF THE GOOD STUFF but don’t want it with him specifically. Fake bitchez!

+10 for “I’m the right one for you.” For ALL of you. That is how you know I am a quality man, and not at all fake. Because without even knowing you, I know I can make you happy. Because I can make any woman on the planet happy. Unless she is a fake-azz bitch, which is unfortunately most women.

+4 for “I have everything you would like and more.” But what if I want selectivity and, you know, a man who mostly wants me and not every woman on the planet? Fuck. This must mean I am fake-azz.

+2 for “If you’re real.” I hate it when I find profiles of clearly amazing men like this guy and then they’re all, “No fakes! No phonies!” and I’m like, CRAP, because I am such a faker and a phony. Clearly we were never meant to be.

+8 for “I have both yahoo and aol, so just hit me up with your screen name.”

+6 for HOLD UP!!!! three times, and then what I think might be a comment about his dick…? You’re going to have to prove that one on AOL video chat!

TOTAL POINTS: 44.

nice headband, bitch

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+5 because I have no idea why this line would not help you get laid.

+4 remarkable hostility. And in just three words!

+2 because I don’t think he actually likes her headband, do you? I hope it has a giant flower on it though.

TOTAL POINTS: 11.

Hey, I just wanna say u r so pretty, I dun know how do u like this match.com thing, I’m wondering If u r interested in having sex with me. Sounds awkward? I feel it too.. But I dun know wat we can really get from here. And I dun wanna lie how I feel about you. Besides,I hv been here for 3 years, the life is so stressful and boring. I dun know if u have the necessarity or not. Maybe u r married or have bf, but I just simply want to release my necessarity. I’m clean and energetic, 25-year-old. So if u r interested u can email me. Hope to get ur reply.

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+3 for spelling, grammar and punctuation carnage.

+2 for “Maybe u r married or have bf.” Yes, clearly she is married and/or has a boyfriend, which is exactly why she has a profile on Match.com.

+6 for “necessarity.” Twice. But WHAT DOES IT MEAN? We know he wants to release it. We aren’t sure if she has it or not. It doesn’t seem to have much more than a tenuous relationship to the better-known term “necessary.” Is it some hippie life-force aura bullshit? Or is he just using a made-up word for “ejaculate”? So many questions.

+4 because I can hear the dirty talk: “Mmmm baby I want you to necessarity.”  “Yeah baby? Ok, oh god, oh god I’m gonna necessarity. Where do you want me to necessarity?”  “Ohhh necessarity on my ____.”  “Yeah, do you like that? Do you like it when I necessarity on your ____?”  “You know I love it when you necessarity on my ___.”  /scene. Then he acts like a gentleman and sleeps on the necessarity spot. 

+3 for “sound awkward? I feel it too.” And yet here you are, still sending this message.

+4 for at least getting right to the point and saying he just wants some sexy-times so that he can release his necessarity. And you know that sexy-times with a dude who can’t even be bothered to spell out the word “you’re” will be fantastic.

+3 for “I dun wanna lie how I feel about you.”  How is it, exactly, that you feel about me? Like I’m a blow-up doll delivered to your inbox?

+2 because isn’t Match like $50 a month? If you’re just looking to bang someone, it seems like there are some cost-effective options.

+2 for “Hope to get ur reply.”  She definitely replied, right? He did say she was pretty (“SO pretty,” even). Don’t know what more she could want.

TOTAL POINTS: 29.

From the profile of a straight male, age 27:

The six things I could never do without:

1. My Ke$ha CD <3
2. CD Player to play my Ke$ha CD

One of the best things about Ke$ha’s music is that it’s so unpretentious. It doesn’t aspire to be more than it is. It doesn’t try to obfuscate its lack of substance with overly abstract metaphors. (Lady Gaga - Judas is certainly guilty of this) Ke$ha’s music is devoid of the depressing melodrama or pseudo-philosophical undertones that other artists employ in an all too obvious attempt to elicit “deep” feelings from the listener. When I hear her songs, I believe her. Or to put it another way, my disbelief is successfully suspended. I can’t say that for most pop music.

Despite Ke$ha’s cracked out appearance, her lyrics are surprisingly coherent. Each song conveys a simple, unified message about the joys of her fabulous life. Ke$ha is empowering without being patronizing. She has a dollar sign in her name. She is everything that pop music should be but fails to be.

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+10 for Ke$ha. LOL Ke$ha. This guy really loves Ke$ha!

+3 for thinking that Lady Gaga is the height of pretension.

+5 for arguing that Ke$ha’s music is “devoid of… pseudo-philosophical undertones.” That is absolutely correct. It is entirely devoid of anything that could be even remotely construed as “philosophical.” Or “intellectual.” Or “tolerable.”

+4 for Ke$ha being empowering because she has a dollar sign in her name. $wagger, for sure. If we go on a date, you should definitely empower me with some dollar$.

+5 for CD and CD player. I do NOT think that Ke$ha, being a very advanced human being, would appreciate her music being played on such an antiquated device.

TOTAL POINTS: 27.

Always wonder what being intimate with a beautiful Asian woman would be like.

Care to talk?

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+5 for creepy racism.

+2 because I have always wondered what being intimate with a mediocre-looking white guy would be like. Do you really all smell like Saltines?

+6 because what lady doesn’t want to be a white dude’s introduction into the gloriousness of Asian Intimacy?

+3 for specifying that he’s curious about being with a “beautiful Asian woman.” As we all know, beautiful Asian women have totally different parts than ugly Asian women, and Asian women generally have totally different parts than non-Asian women. Right?

+2 for the “care to talk?” conclusion. Yes, I am sure she would love to chat with you, since you are clearly very interested in her as a human being, and are not at all using Match.com to take you on some sort of racial fetish safari.

TOTAL POINTS: 18. 

are you a lesbian because it says are you are a feminist. at the very least you must be vegan. :)

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+6 for smiley after a string of insults. Not that “lesbian” or “vegan” are insults, but he definitely means them that way.

+2 for entry-level negging. Even Neil Strauss would be embarrassed.

+4 for asking a woman who is clearly looking for men on a dating site if she’s a lesbian.

+3 because dudes like this are the reason feminists have a reputation as man-haters. They act like morons, feminists hate on them, and it’s our fault?

TOTAL POINTS: 15.

You may get a boxing lesson

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+3 because that’s the entire message.

+6 because this basically means “I am going to punch you,” right? DELETE AND BLOCK.

TOTAL POINTS: 9.

My self-summary 

I am a paid member on JDATE under the name [redacted]
Stop intermarriage between Jews and Gentiles go to the website below .
http://www.aish.com/jw/s/48969651.html
Love listening to JEWISH MUSIC . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JEWISH MUSIC ? What do I regret doing in last month? That would be joining Jdate . Why because you can’t compete when they refilter profiles and you never know who is a paid member . Who has that much time to go through 500 profiles a night ?

WE have take it a step further you , me as Jews we owe it to each other to reply even if one is fat , ugly , short it called doing the right thing . A real Israeli will answer a note no matter what I know I have been around.
MUST BE A JEWISH WOMAN! Do I have to join JDATE again ? OY VEY ! MUST BELIEVE THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONGS TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE OTHERWISE YOUR CALLING THE ALMIGHTY A LIAR !

GO GIANTSSSSSSSSSSS

I say no to PORK and SHELL FISH like crack that kills!

When one is in a relationship with someone you should not expect them to get plastic surgery. You were either in it for the long term or you should never have gotten involved with them. What do you think after a couple of kids the woman’s body is not going to change? You shmuck stop thinking the way western society wants you to think. look for values and goals . Also ladies looking for a wallet .a full set of hair or the tallest man in the world is not realistic either .
Reality is we are getting older and we have to have realistic values. These values play an important role in our relationship .
Maybe the only answer for a Jewish man today is to make Aliyah find an Israeli woman and stay in Israel. I would like to be proven wrong, unfortunately no Jewish American woman has proven me wrong on this .
MY question is only for the Jewish women how many in your families have married out? Would you marry out ?

My profile really gives a woman the chance to get know me through words . It is important to watch the movie “Crossing Delancy” Why you ask ? To understand who Sam the pickle man is and realize that he is the type of man that will never cheat on you ,he will respect you but, never allow you walk all over him . When you are sick he is who you call on . When your Bubbe makes dinner he is who you want sitting between you and her . He makes for a good husband and father . I am the local Sam the pickle man !
I’m intellectually curious, love to joke around, and explore the world around me. What better way than with a partner in crime
that is Jewish and understands how important it is to get to know one another inside and out from the kishkas.

In response to the question I was asked,” What I think of online dating”. The answer is, I live in [a medium-sized American city]. The majority of Jewish women that are single are in their early 20s, young enough to be my daughter. The other group are in their late 50s, and almost old enough to be my mother. Now, If I was back in NYC or Chicago I would walk up to 50 women between the ages of 30 to 42 a day until I found a Jewish one that was right for me. I would not need online dating . I don’t understand why guys in bigger cities are online when ratio wise, you have the the upper hand . Are you abusive to these women that you hide behind a computer? I don’t understand it .
The way I keep kosher is more like a vegetarian. That brings me to this next point .
Should I take the short and easy way out and marry a non jewish woman ? I am looking for a long term relationship that can lead to marriage to a JEWISH woman!.

Stop looking for secular partnership and start looking for a Jewish soul mate ! Then you will find what you really need instead of always trying to find what is not real. Believe me I have heard the excuses on both sides !My intentions are serious.

Jewish women, don’t waste time looking at profiles. Make the effort and write Jewish men . We will write you back even if we do not connect. I have lots of Jewish guy friends that are also straight and single remember that :) ~ I am a strong believer in helping each other. I don’t want to date all the women of the world . All I need is 1! Ask a guy if his mother is Jewish otherwise he is not Jewish .

I am very real and I don’t have to prove anything to myself by dating much younger girls or much older women . 30 to 40 is perfect. It all about connecting on all levels. We won’t agree on everything but the important things we will agree on! Okay so my grammar is not the best, but who doesn’t make mistakes ?

It is important for me to be up front so I do not waste your time or mine . I am looking for a long term relationship. However, you can’t get a long term relationship without starting off as friends . .
I am very straight to the point and still can be sensitive to others

Crazy Eddies may be out of business but, you will get the best deal right here with a full refund if your not happy .

This is who I would like to meet: a woman that is not afraid to express her feelings , fears ,shortcomings ,weakness, and uses them as her strength to communicate with me . I am looking for a woman that is able to voice her likes and dislikes to me with a bubbly personality.

Someone who is a music lover. I would prefer a woman that does not smoke or use drugs .
I would like to find a woman that wants to learn about Judaism together. She is not embarrassed to wear a Hamsa , or Star of David.

I am sincere and loyal to family and friends . I believe in romance , and love to cuddle , hug and hold hands in private or public .

What I’m doing with my life 

I’m a Public Service Adviser who is also proactive in the community.

One thing I find enjoyable is promoting and working on my lyrics while performing them. I prefer being around interesting, stimulating people rather than being in a bar with drunk people . I head up a safety patrol, and most of the time we are dealing with drunk people on the streets . That is another reason why the last place I want to be is in a bar. I was training in MMA very different then the street or Krav .

A good workout ,being in the sun in the spring, summer and of course going to the park .

I’m really good at
downhill skiing .skeeball , trivia , roller skating , listening , acting ,impersonations, making people crack up, appreciating someone for who they are, writing MY lyrics , Being loyal to friends ! being in a loyal relationship .Telling it the way it is, Solving other peoples problems ,having moral values and respect for others. The first things people usually notice about me My Brooklyn dialect or sexy masculine voice that can over power a room , hair style , my soulful brown eyes and my off the wall sense of humor I tend to say what I think or feel. You can feel my high energy level when I walk in a room ! Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food  Oy, books I read so many I could open a library in my mind. Hollywood might as well rent my mind its going cost more then Trump Tower . Music Lover - Old Skool Hip Hop from late 70s to the early 90s , Disco classics , Freestyle club from the 80s like TKA , Debby Deb, Cynthia , my homegirl Alisha , Shannon ,and all forms of House music from NOO Yawk to Chi-town .I prefer Djs that know how to blend a record not slap a cd in a machine. Jazz greats like Charlie Parker , Coltraine , Mingus , Ella Fitzgerald , Louie Amstrong . Oh yea the real charmers Al Jolson , Frankie blue eyes Sinatra , Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand, Wayne Newton , Classical music artist Paganini , Russini , Chatorian but to name some . Eyal Golan all Mizrachi music , Poogey Kraveret and anything Israeli.

FOOD TIME I ‘m hungry. Are you? So come let’s eat Moroccan cous cous , Israeli , Indian , Persian ,Greek, Mexican , Italian , all veggies. NO pork and shell fish ever ! The six things I could never do without  Yea right six things. Dream on. My family, , friends, Am Yisrael , Israel, my mind ,my memories, my sight , my hearing, food , my lyrics , my music , my books , videos , my car , the internet , being able to admire the girl of my dreams wherever she is. I spend a lot of time thinking about  Why it is that the bigger the city the more the women will be competing against each other? The smaller the city the more I will be competing against other guys.
How many Jewish women will reject Jewish guys? Those men will marry out !If you still care ,you can prevent this the ball is in your court ladies !
If people would help one another we would not have all these singles on here.
Let me say this Ron Paul is dangerous and if he gets elected we will be crying for the days of Bill Clinton or George W Bush even more then now ! The song by Mary Hopkins Those were the days reminds me of the way I knew Brooklyn . Does us anyone really want to be single? You could die the next day single. Now that is horrible to me . On a typical Friday night I am  Lately trying to spend time with family. If I am free I am open going to synagogue and doing just about anything. Sometimes training and leading out patrol depending on the weekend weather . The most private thing I’m willing to admit  I bite my fingernails. I would not call this private. I find it very painful not being able to find my Beshert = match. I’m an ass man . You should message me if  you want to meet someone that is a mix of Woody Allen , Larry David , Richard Lewis , Dice and Al Pacino all in one . You want to have a conversation from something serious to something fun. All I need is 1 the right 1 if this sounds like you contact me. . You like a guy that will not play mind games . Your sick and tired of being the doormat . example you go out with a guy that stares at the game or TV instead of looking into your eyes ! Lets get off this roller coaster together .

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+3 for what religion do you think he is?

+4 for the longest “self-summary” ever. SUMMARY, friend, SUMMARY.

+4 for “Love listening to JEWISH MUSIC . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JEWISH MUSIC ?” The ALL CAPS mean he is very serious about his love of Jewish music. Stop intermusic between Jews and Gentiles!

+5 for “A real Israeli will answer a note no matter what I know I have been around.”  This is a really good trick that I am going to adopt: Make a broad, baseless statement, and support it by saying “I know I have been around.”  Who can argue with that?  Bonus points because it makes you sound hella slutty.

+3 for “OY VEY ! MUST BELIEVE THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONGS TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE OTHERWISE YOUR CALLING THE ALMIGHTY A LIAR !”  I hope that that even if He is a liar, the Almighty at least knows the difference between “you’re/your” and doesn’t add a space before punctuation marks.

+2 for “I say no to PORK and SHELL FISH like crack that kills!” That… doesn’t even make sense. I mean sure, keep kosher, more power to you. And pork and shellfish are a little like crack insofar as they are delicious. But they won’t kill you. At least not quite so quickly.

+5 for “When one is in a relationship with someone you should not expect them to get plastic surgery.” Awww! Clearly we have a winner here, ladies.

+6 for “Sam the Pickle Man.” I understand the impulse to make a pop culture reference in your online dating profile. I understand watching a film or a television show and relating to one of the characters (I myself often feel like Jack Donaghy).  But when you find yourself typing the words “I am the local Sam the pickle man” into your online dating profile — a venue where, it apparently needs to be said, you are trying to put your best face forward in order to meet chicks — it might be time to seriously consider your life choices.

+2 for “partner in crime,” which just may be the #1 online dating cliche. Stop it, all of you people who say you are looking for a partner in crime, because it is uncreative and annoying. Unless you are actually looking for someone with whom to commit crimes. And then take that shit to Craig’s List.

+3 for “Stop looking for secular partnership and start looking for a Jewish soul mate ! Then you will find what you really need instead of always trying to find what is not real.”  Everyone is allowed to have requirements for their relationships. I, for example, would never date someone who was socially conservative or regularly used the wrong form of “its.” To each their own! But part of the whole “to each their own” thing is TO EACH THEIR OWN. Which means don’t lecture strangers on the internet about how their relationships aren’t “real” if they decide to intermarry.

+5 for “How many Jewish women will reject Jewish guys? Those men will marry out !If you still care ,you can prevent this the ball is in your court ladies !” Yes, the problem of “marrying out” is the fault of every Jewish woman who has ever rejected a Jewish man. How dare you not date the first Jew who eyes you in Hebrew school! You are responsible for the downfall of the race.

+6 for “Does us anyone really want to be single? You could die the next day single. Now that is horrible to me.” More horrible than reading this entire profile?

TOTAL POINTS: 48.

Hello there wanna chat and watch me workout my muscles on cam ?

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+5 for any message that includes the term “on cam.”

+3 for any message that includes the term “wanna chat.”

+6 because what lady doesn’t want to spend her day watching a stranger from eHarmony lift weights in front of his webcam?

+4 because you know how sex would go with this guy: He’d be on top, and he’d be watching his own arms flex as he repeatedly jack-hammered you. Sometimes he’d let you be on top, just so he could jackhammer you up and down like a ragdoll while he stared at his own arms. He’d say “fuck yeah” a lot, and after five minutes of thrusting would be pretty darn pleased with himself. He has never heard of the “clitoris.” 

+3 for impressive narcissism.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

The Monkees are a good band, you fat cunt.

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+10 because wow, someone really loves The Monkees!

+4 because The Monkees, really? That’s what we’re going to get so heated over?

+6 for “fat cunt.” No idea why you are still single, when you work out your disagreements so productively.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

That adorable smile, those sexxxy eyes
head to toe, girl you mezmorize
sexxy hips and the most amazing ass
a picture perfect image,a girl with class

The strands in your eyes, the shape of your lips
i sit here and write, every line that you fit.
intriguing as you are, as the most beautiful site
Every small detail adds beauty, and yours is so bright

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+4 for poem

+2 for “mezmorize”

+6 for various spellings of “sexxxy.” I like to think that the number of Xs correlates to how sexxxxy he thinks parts of her are (eyes: very sexy; hips: kind of sexy).

+5 for “sexxy hips,the most amazing ass… a girl with class.”

+4 for “intriguing as you are, the most beautiful site.” Funny if it’s a typo; way funnier if he actually meant “site.”

+3 because this was sent on Christmas Eve. Awww.

TOTAL POINTS: 24.

mmm you are thin, so thin, like a thin boy

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+5 for complimenting her by comparing her to a skinny male.

+6 for complimenting her by comparing her to a skinny UNDERAGE male.

+3 for each time he used the word “thin.”

+2 for “mmmm.” I can just see him licking his gross pedo lips.

+4 because you know when he’s not looking at child pornography, he’s using Thinspiration sites to get off.

+2 for think he likes skinny chicks?

+5 for the answer: No. He likes under-age boys. And should probably go to jail.

TOTAL POINTS: 27.

Hey! I’m sure you get tons of messages about how pretty you are, and you’re sick of them! So I’m gonna do something different. I’m gonna say you’re NOT pretty. And see if reverse psychology works.

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+3 for at least he’s trying to be creative.

+4 but no, negging is not creative or new.

+2 for at least being up-front about the fact that he wants a girl whose self-esteem is low enough that telling her she’s ugly will make her want him.

+2 because thank Jesus I am not that girl.

TOTAL POINTS: 11.

lest get straight to business)) du u like 69???? I can easily make u moan….)

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+2 for punctuation carnage. You are perhaps trying to make smileys out of those close-parens? But uh… you failed. Big time.

+2 for spelling carnage. I can understand how “lest” is a slip of the fingers that spell-check didn’t catch. But “du”? That is not even saving you any letters. We are also not in Germany.

+4 for in fact getting straight to business. 69 business!

+3 for a very specific sexual act. Not just, “Do you want to bone?” or “Can I go down on you?” but “69????”

+3 for saying he can “easily” make her moan. Listen, it’s very hard to not make someone moan during oral sex. If you have to brag about it, though, I start to have my doubts.

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

You’re just like Margaret Thatcher - she had great tits too.

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+3 for classic neg.

+4 for “Margaret Thatcher” and “tits” in the same sentence.

+2 for old-right-wing-lady fetish. Next up: Nancy Reagan.

TOTAL POINTS: 9.

Asian beauty, Mmmm… 

Please dont read to much into my profile. Its on the naughty side, But I am really very nice and very RESPECTFUL. :) 

I would love a chance to talk and hopefully take you out. Even if its just dinner, and something fun. I am older, but I mainly date 21-30 I really hope we can chat. :) And Please keep an OPEN MIND. 


Please think about it, I might be older. But I know how to have a good time :)

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+6 for starting right out with the Asian fetish. Definitely a good move. Asian girls definitely read that and are like, “This is a high-quality white man for sure. I hope we can eat some sushi together and he can tell me about his extensive travels in Asia. I’ll bet he understands that I am a subservient sweet Oriental flower, and he is also probably super into Japanese fetish porn, which are qualities I enjoy and look for in a mate.”

+4 for following up with “I am really very nice and RESPECTFUL.” Obviously. You especially respect the fact that she’ll definitely be your adorable little Geisha, right? Mmmmm.

+5 for “don’t read too much into my carefully cultivated online dating profile, which I wrote myself, and which everyone realizes is me putting my best face forward to potential mates.”

+4 for being “older” but only dating women who are 21-30. Clearly a very mature, normal man who has no problem with women who are experienced and self-assured and self-sufficient, and who is definitely not looking for any romantic power differentials, and who you definitely want to date.

+2 for “Please keep an OPEN MIND.” Universal rule: If someone requests that you keep an all-caps OPEN MIND, it is time to jet.

+2 for so many smileys. I thought you were “older”? Quit writing like Paris Hilton.

TOTAL POINTS: 23.

Him: can i cum on those glasses

Her: Holy smokes I think I’ve seen you before on this! Hang on let me get the link

www.annalsofonlinedating.tumblr.com

It’s somewhere on here!

Him: nah u never seen me

Her: http://annalsofonlinedating.tumblr.com/post/9012244500/theres-gotta-be-a-dorothy-parker-quote-for-this

YUP! There you are!

Him: lol u funny

u still didnt answer my question,and the question was can i cum on ya glasses

shucks that must mean no

lol

Her: AHAHAHAHAHAHA No. A thousand times NO. A million times no. No to the infinite power. NO.

Him: but honey why not :-(

lol

Her: That’s a disgusting question to ask a lady and your mother would be ashamed of you.

Him: just joking lightin up

i got your attention tho

Her: To mock you mercilessly over the internet, yes.

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+10 because YES “cum on your glasses” guy is back! And he was directed to this site and still doesn’t get it.

+5 because this lady is awesome. Thank you lady for bringing this all full-circle.

+2 for grammar, spelling and punctuation carnage.

+3 for repeated “lol”s when he is being laughed AT, not laughed WITH.

+2 for “aw shucks.”

+5 for trying to pretend like this was all a joke, but then being like, “BUT I GOT YOUR ATTENTION! So… cum on ya glasses?”

+3 for her bringing his mama into it. Perfection.

TOTAL POINTS: 30.

Most of you bitches don’t respond. Why should I waste my time and energy personalizing each message.

Would you rather I reference something from your profile? Let’s see…. You like music! I like music too.

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+7 for beginning a message with “most of you bitches.” SO WEIRD that bitches don’t respond.

+2 for punctuation fail. Maybe bitches don’t respond because you don’t know how to use question marks.

+5 for, in an online dating message deriding women as bitches if they don’t respond, asking why he should waste his time with a personal message. Oh I dunno, maybe because that increases the chances that someone will respond?

+3 for the sarcastic aside about music. Why are you still single?

+4 for using an internet dating site to work out his combo anger-misogyny issues. It is cheaper than therapy, but significantly less effective.

+6 because this was definitely a mass message. And I’m sure this guy is sitting around complaining about how he is Such A Nice Guy and why are women so terrible?

TOTAL POINTS: 27.

It’s Christmas Eve, and here on A(n)nals of Online Dating we’re celebrating the virgin birth just how the baby Jesus would want: With wildly inappropriate sexytime messages. There have been a great many of these submitted, and lots of them are (blessedly) short. So here are some of my favorites, all in one neat package, sent by six different internet elves. Merry Christmas!

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What’s more comfortable Panties or Thongs?

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let’s fuck with me

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 mmmmmmmm you could ride my face any time !!

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WOULD SMOOSH/10

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sex?

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Sup baby, can I munch on your puss? 8======D~~~~~

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+7 sexual directness. I mean, I get it — we’re all animals here, and plenty of people use internet dating as a mating strategy. But there are lines, you know?

+8 for uncreative slang and innuendo. “Smoosh,” of course, is a Jersey Shore staple. “Ride my face” is also pretty direct, but less jarring than “munch on your puss” (protip: if you’re “munching” yr doin it rong). The to-the-point “sex?” is my personal favorite. Creative? No. Efficient? Hell yes. That dude gets shit done. I would maybe bang that dude.

+6 for the penis emoticon. Are those little sperms swimming out the end? I think yes?

+3 for “let’s fuck with me.” Inappropriate? Check. Selfish? Check. Slang-fail? CHECK (sorry pal, but “fuck with me” does not mean the same thing as “fuck me.” It is way less fun!). But hey, he spelled everything correctly — and sure, there are no words longer than four letters in the entire message, but that still puts him head and shoulders above most of the sexytimes message-senders.

+2 for capitalization of Panties and Thongs. A few helpful hints for curious men: (a) Thongs are a type of panty; (b) Neither panties nor thongs are proper names. They are not titles. They are not high-ranking officials. Neither word needs to be capitalized; (c) Eextra-large high-waisted greying cotton Hanes with excessive period stains are the most comfortable.

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

Dad here for genuine intimacy, erotic caring, daring sweet hot anal play, cleaned and lubed with 420, & exquisitely patient arousal for us both. Interested in chatting sum?

Always eager to please, it get’s me hot when I hear your lust breath. Might hope you enjoy my profile, thank you

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+4 for “Dad here.” Good opener. Was definitely not expecting you to follow that up with “sweet hot anal play.”

+5 for “sweet hot anal play.”

+2 because homeboy is 58 and the recipient is… much younger.

+3 for the segue from “genuine intimacy” to “erotic caring” to “girrrrrl I’m gonna fuck you in yo ass.”

+6 for “cleaned and lubed with 420.” Maybe I’m just not hip to the dad anal sex lingo, but wtf does that mean? “Lubed,” got it, and would agree it is an anal sex necessity. But in my day, “420” was a marijuana reference. So I’m not totally understanding how this works? I mean, I’ll be honest, my daring sweet hot anal play skills are a little out of date, but I have an active imagination and I’m still coming up with very little beyond “we’re getting high and then you’re putting it in my butt.”

+3 because a google search of “lube 420” yields this: “ULTRA-LUBE™ 420’s saturated structure makes it very suitable for peroxide curing.” I… no. I just can’t. Please don’t put that in your bottom.

+2 for adjective abuse. “Exquisitely patient arousal”? “Lust breath”? Nope. There’s nothing “patient” about arousal; there’s nothing exquisite about patience; and “lust breath” sounds like it smells like old licorice. And there’s no apostrophe in “gets.”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

Hi there! 안녕하세요? I’ve always wanted a Korean friend, let’s go sing karaoke sometime together! You can teach me all about Korean culture

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+10 for “I’ve always wanted a Korean friend.” And hey, you look sort of Asian, so you’ll do.

+6 for karaoke. All Koreans love karaoke, right?

+2 for the copied-and-pasted Korean phrase in the body of the message. That’s how he lets girls know he’s SERIOUS about his love of hot Asian chicks (and it seems to go over better than showing them his “Oriental porn” folder, which is odd, because it’s a really impressive collection).

+5 because you know he’s copying and pasting this message to any Asian girl on the internet, and changing a few details (Japanese girls get an offer to go watch anime together; Chinese girls are invited to dim sum and don’t worry he will TOTALLY order the chicken feet; Thai girls get offered massages; etc etc).

+6 for thinking it sounds awesome for a lady to go on a date and be an official Professor of Culture for a clueless white dude. I hope he lets her know how kooky and quirky and weird her culture is, but also, like, so much more AUTHENTIC, you know? He totally gets it. Something about Asian culture just feel, like, so RIGHT to him. He also studied abroad in Japan, so he can probably teach her some really cool stuff about being Asian. And being one of the only white guys in Tokyo was wild. He definitely understands what it’s like to be a minority after his four months there, so maybe he can bring that up too and they can totally bond.

+3 because when he ways “teach me about Korean culture” you know he really means “take me to a good bibimbap joint.”

TOTAL POINTS: 32.

Hi 

How are you? I would like to get to know you!! 

I like to fuck!!! I like SEX and I like NUDITY!!! 

This may seem strange in a way. 

I do not have a picture of mysef posted here (nor anywhere for that matter, on the Internet so as to preserve my privacy. Also for my work infringements.

I hope to hear from you.

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+5 for Hey, how are you, we should get to know each other, I LOVE FUCKING.

+4 for liking SEX and also NUDITY!!! because (a) amazing, and (b) in my head I hear him yelling that in a Brick Tamland voice. 

+3 for thinking that his admission to loving SEX and also NUDITY “may seen strange in a way.” Well, no — most of us like sex, I think? And we also like seeing people we want to have sex with get naked. It’s more the putting it right out there with the “I like to fuck” and the repeat that he likes SEX (different from fucking, obviously) AND ALSO he likes nudity (which to be fair is not totally necessary for sex). That is the part that is strange, in several ways.

+3 for I want to meet you, I want to see you in the nude, I want to fuck you, but sorry girl I don’t have a pic.

+4 because this man is 41 years old, the woman he’s messaging is 22, and he lives 2,000 miles away from her. I guess this is where NUDITY comes in? Webcam?

+2 for “work infringements.” No clue what he’s even trying to say there.

+2 for no picture, for “privacy” reasons. Right, sure, “privacy.” I am sure it’s just because you’re concerned about infringements, and not because you look like the offspring of a badger and an emu.

TOTAL POINTS: 23.

Was it Freud who once described insanity as the state in which the unconscious mind is visible? 

I saw a girl the other day and here is what I saw: 

I saw her drunk dad eating gophers and her mom making fat-free 
wraps, made from fat-free refried beans and fat-free cheese and fat-free tortillas. I could see the years spent before a mirror, the trapeze act of her eyes that ends with the fat between her thighs falling on the ground, its spine broken, and the attentive audience of her breasts applauding. 

I think she was crazy. -David-

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+10 for wait, SHE was crazy?

+3 for making absolutely no sense.

+4 for what in the hell does this have to do with dating? How exactly is this an appropriate ice-breaker?

+4 for a message that consists entirely of his personal delusions.

+8 for the image of the fat between her thighs falling on the ground, its spine broken. What?

+6 for “the attentive audience of her breasts applauding.” Alliteration is great, but does not make up for everything. Although I would love to see two breasts applaud. If someone can figure out how to do that, she will make a lot of money on the adult entertainment circuit.

TOTAL POINTS: 35.

Cute, “Girl Next Door” Type Looking for the Man Who Has Everything but Time…

-Are you an attractive Professional who simply does not have the time for a commited relationship? Do you like the idea of spoiling a clean-cut, attractive, sexy, educated lady?

-Are you looking for someone who likes dressing sexy all the time, but can also present well at dinner parties, corporate events and other environments where a sophisticated (and discreet) date is in order?

-Are you married, but unfullfilled with your current sex life?

-Is your wife or signficant other lonely when you are out of town and looking for a girlfriend to go shopping with, go out to dinner with, etc.?

-Can you provide me with reliable transportation and put me on your insurance? (I have an excellent driving record.)

-Are you looking for a submissive that will spoil you?

-Are you single and looking for a live-in companion that will take care of your residence when you are traveling?

-Do you want a hot personal assistant with strong computer skills?

-Do you need assistance making travel arrangements, scheduling meetings, getting your dry-cleaning picked up, answering your business E-mails or drafting other correspondence?

-Are you a Business Owner looking to avoid paying taxes?

I can offer all these services and more and am looking for the discerning gentleman who would be turned on by this type of relationship. I am not an Escort and do not charge by the hour, but looking for a “SugarDaddy” that offers

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+3 because her user name involves the term “SmokingHot.” Of course it does.

+2 for describing herself as “clean-cut,” then being like, “So you can totally cheat on your wife with me, and then she and I can go shopping.” 

+9 for making it clear that she is a hot sexy lady who will dress up for you, go down on you, fulfill you sexually, be great arm candy, take care of your home, schedule your meetings, pick up your dry cleaning and… help you cheat on your taxes.

+5 but only if you provide her with reliable transportation. Does the bus count?

+3 for flat-out offering to commit a crime on a dating website.

+2 for deciding that certain titles — Professional, Business Owner, Escort — are worthy of capitalization.

+6 for the comment from the dude who submitted this gem: “I was matched with this woman on [a dating website’s] daily match, and I can so see how they thought we would hit it off. Being that I’m overweight and my occupation is full-time student/elderly caregiver.”

+3 because this is all just a very fancy way of saying “I need a house and a car and some clothes, can you help me out? I will totally blow you.”

+5 for the clarification that she doesn’t charge by the hour. She is a Lady, after all.

TOTAL POINTS: 38.

See anyone get fried lately? Hey did u ever see that movie conviction with hilary swank? you’re like her, but much sexier :)

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+10 because he sent this to a death penalty lawyer, who I’m sure thinks it’s hilarious to picture her clients being killed.

+5 for “you’re just like an Oscar-winning actress in an emotionally searing film about the death penalty, except WAY HOTTER AND I WOULD SO BONE YOU.” Did you see the movie “Our Idiot Brother”?

+2 for smiley. Electric chair, heeeeeey! :-)  :-)  :-)  :-) 

TOTAL POINTS: 17.

hello adorable girl , how are you ? you are beautiful . are u looking for a very serious relation ? i have had lots of drama with relations, so looking for a no commitment relation . i am not for one night stands . r u okay with idea of being cuddle buddies and share a few kisses ? would love to admire your lovely face, boobs and armpits . sorry if i am being too forward .

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+2 for spelling, punctuation and grammar carnage.

+4 for wondering if she’s looking for “a very serious relation.” Obviously unserious relations only.

+3 for I’m not looking for a “commitment relation” (so many nouns!) because of Drama, but I am also not looking for one-night stands. I am looking for… two-night stands?

+2 for “cuddle buddies.”

+5 because the whole message was a little weird with the language issues and the spaces before periods and the cuddle buddies, but it hits its peak when he’s waxing poetic about wanting to cuddle her and admire her lovely face and also her lovely… boobs.

+3 for AND ARMPITS. Then, sorry for being forward. “Forward” is not the problem here. “Weird as all holy hell” is the problem.

TOTAL POINTS: 19.

What I’m doing with my life: going to nursing school. i love helping people because i feel like ive hurt so many in the past. this is my way of giving back.

I’m really good at: sneaking pills from work/not getting in trouble for it!! (not that i haven’t learned many lessons the hard way in the past haha.)  

The first things people usually notice about me: my feet. the skin is rough and the toes are long and wide apart but i wouldnt call them “bird feet” haha. they do hurt me when im unmedicated, but thats usually not a problem.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

i dont like music, i’ve had bad experiences with it

 my favorite author of all time is james patterson

action movies because of the hot guys and chick flicks because it gives me a good excuse to cry :P

i dont like music, i’ve had bad experiences with it

i just recently tried indian food. now i can’t get enough of it!  

The six things I could never do without:

the bus
codeine
deviantart
orthopedic nurse shoes
demerol
GPS!!

I spend a lot of time thinking about: my f’d up sexual history and my job at the hospital leads to some pretty messed up day/nightdreams about patients. 

On a typical Friday night I am: getting my drink/pills on and dreaming the night away.  

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: i have a very jealous/juggalo ex-boyfriend. his name is jay and he’s my best friend. you need to understand that he’s going to be on your fucking ass when you come around me. if youre a good guy you’ll win in the end and the fight turns me on lol.

You should message me if

you have a wheelchair. (it’s my fetish, i dont want to date a cripple. sorry!!)

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+6 for being a woman bizarre enough to make this site. For whatever reason, dude profiles and messages totally dominate ‘round these parts, so I’m glad to see a woman who is not only a complete trainwreck, but one of the messiest trainwrecks ever — severed heads and shit. Equality!

+3 for being in nursing school because she’s been such a disaster her entire life that she feels like she needs to repent by “helping people.” Maybe just go to confession instead?

+7 because oh wait, she’s really in nursing school for the pills, and to satisfy her wheelchair fetish.

+5 for being “really good at” sneaking pills from work and not getting caught. Except for those times before when she got caught.  I think you do not understand the meaning of the phrases “really good at” or “learned many lessons.”

+4 for the first thing people notice about me are my totally effed up feet. Because she doesn’t wear shoes in public, I guess? Or while working at a hospital, surrounded by germs and disease and body fluids?

+2 for managing to get in a reference to her prescription drug problem even while talking about her weird feet.

+5 for “I don’t like music, I’ve had bad experiences with it” (twice). Maybe the radio stations in her area only play Creed?

+6 for listing narcotics and opiates in her “six things I could never live without.” And GPS. Which I don’t think you need if you’re taking the bus.

+10 for “I spend a lot of time thinking about my f’d up sexual history and my job at the hospital leads to some pretty messed up day/nightdreams about patients.” Whoa, girl. I understand how, to someone with a prescription drug addiction and a boner for people in wheelchairs, a nursing job sounds like a great idea. But maybe think that one through a little further? And if you’re still unclear, consult a therapist? Or maybe tell your boss and see how good of an idea she finds it.

+3 for her typical Friday night involving drinking and pill-popping. Sounds like fun in theory (I went out after getting my wisdom teeth removed and it wasn’t the worst), the same way that “I drink Franzia out of the box at noon on a Tuesday” sounds fun in theory. Then you watch that episode of Intervention featuring the lady who actually DOES drink Franzia out of the box at noon on a Tuesday, and it still looks kind of fun when she’s walking around outside in a tie-dye bikini hitting on burly truck drivers, but then she has a seizure from alcohol withdrawal and her own child thinks she’s dead and just kind of shrugs, and then you’re like, oh wait that’s not fun at all. I would bet $10 that this girl’s drinking-and-pill-popping is less of a “not exactly healthy but she seems like she’s having a good time” thing and more of the “I woke up in an alley with vomit all over my clothes AGAIN, and my doctor says I have serious long-term liver damage” variety. 

+15 for “i have a very jealous/juggalo ex-boyfriend. his name is jay and he’s my best friend.” My ex boyfriend, he is very jealous. And VERY juggalo. I want to make fun of this, but there’s really nothing to add. Except maybe this explains her bad experiences with music? 

+3 because seriously, who is going to respond after that? JUGGALO EX BOYFRIEND. STILL HER BEST FRIEND. Even if you were like, “Ok so this chick is clearly unstable with the drug addiction and the disability fetish and the bird feet, but she’s kind of hot and I’m not exactly a winner myself, so maybe I’ll holler,” you’ve gotta get to the juggalo part and call it quits, right?

+3 for suggesting that he fight her juggalo ex boyfriend, and that if he’s a “good guy” he’ll win. While it’s an absolute fact that I would pay good money to see a Nice Guy vs. Juggalo throw-down, Juggalos are crazy and will probably fucking kill you.

+9 for (a) wheelchair fetish and (b) but “i dont want to date a cripple. sorry!!” Nurse-lady, some real talk: “Cripple” is not a word that we use anymore. Also, everyone has their things and if wheelchairs do it for you, more power to you. But publicly proclaiming your hard-on for wheelchairs and then specifying that you don’t like people for whom wheelchairs are a necessity? Makes you seem… questionable. At least you said sorry with several exclamation points.

+4 for what am I talking about? This woman is publicly touting her prescription drug addiction on a website that has pictures of her face that her employer can see, and admits to dating a man who wears elaborate face paint and thinks “fucking magnets, how do they work??” is an astute song lyric. She doesn’t date people who use wheelchairs? “Cripples” everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.

TOTAL POINTS: 85.

Here kitty kitty… ;-)

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+5 for blatant pussy reference.

+2 for winky-face.

+4 for so over-the-top creepy.

+3 because do you think this guy is one of those people who dresses up in a furry suit to get in the mood to hump? I think yes.

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

If you are not a woman of my race, I’m not sexually attracted to black woman it’s my choice and I don’t have to explain to anyone why I choose this, so all other woman fell free to write me back if your educated and you don’t have a house full of children cause I don’t have any of my own!!

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+6 for putting it right out there with the racism.

+4 for “it’s my choice and I don’t have to explain to anyone why I choose this.” I think we all know why? And hopefully no one has to explain to you why you are still single.

+10 for “fell free to write me back if your educated.”

+5 for being willing to date ALL OTHER WOMEN. As long as they’re (or is it “their”?) educated. And not black. And not any other race except his. And don’t have kids. But anyone else, totally, date this guy. Until he has his own kids. Then it’s ok if you have kids too.

TOTAL POINTS: 25.