What is UP? I knowww NothinG.. Haha Alrighty then!! Next.. Yes I do have a sense of Humor and I am a mellow Down to earth Gentleman for sure. So to be completely honest with you, I have been contemplating on sending you this email or not. I almost gave myself a black eye in deciding. Just Kiddding!! Why am I emailing you like this Out of the Blue without me knowing anything about you except from what I read on your Post? Well like I said I am feeling Invincible today and that gives me fearless abilities to jump over buildings and ask you crazzzzy but Sane questions like the one I am going to try and ask you in a second.
First though something about me. I am a 30 something guy (to me age is just a Number, We all mature at different times and we all die at different ages, so that’s what makes age a silly number)just adjusting to single life, Don’t ask UGH haha!! Anyway I can tell you that being single already SucKs Soo BaD. I even woke up this morning and told myself that Today is going to be a Better day.. For the most part it hasn’t been all that BaD so far, but the day is not even close to being over. I should not complain too Much and if I did No one would care!! Rightttt? See I told ya. HaHaH
Back to my Invincible positivity. You are Not going to believe this But besides being Invincible today, I woke up today feeling Strong with good positive vibes and a twinge of Naughty Too!! Yes I did say naughty or BaD if you want to call it.. HaHaa !! So I decided I should try and do something about it, that’s why I have chosen you to be that “One”. OK so what I NeeD is a really Big favor from You to ME!! I am sure we can work out the finer details and exchange pictures to see if it’s a GO or not! That’s of course after you say “YesSSSsss !!! :-P
The Question.. Yeahh the Question is “Can I Please, With All of your Permission, “Go Down” on U and lick you in all of the right spots?? YES I am Serious!! I know crazy huh?? But Seriously, I could really use that taste of YouR tangy sweetness! That’s how I ROLL!! In Today’s Lingo. I can give you enough reasons WHY you SHOULD let me Go Down on you, but I am Positive I can Not think of ONE Bad Reason. Can You? I mean if you have Read this far into my email you might as well allow me to Go Down on you? Right?? I think that’s Only Fair…
I know will absolutely surprise you with how seductive and soft and gentle I am going to be with your most delicate, Sacred prized possession.. As if that’s Not enough to get you to say Yes I could also throw in a full body massage? Make this a Pamper “You” Day…
So that’s it, that’s the Big Question I wanted to ask you, short sweet and to the point (sort of). So what do you think? ;-P Tempted? What’s there to Lose? You gotta Say Yes Right? There are no further Obligations either. I promise! I want to do this for You with you and To you!!
+5 for the bizarre capitalization. Surely it takes longer to type like that than to just write like a normal person, yeah?
+3 for cliche machine.
+6 for “tangy sweetness.” Eew.
+5 for “I can give you enough reasons WHY you SHOULD let me Go Down on you, but I am Positive I can Not think of ONE Bad Reason. Can You?” Yes, I can think of several reasons why I would not let a stranger from the internet taste my “tangy sweetness.” For example: (1) herpes; (2) herpes; (3) if you can’t be bothered to type properly, I have no reason to believe you can be bothered to eat me out properly.
+4 for “I mean if you have Read this far into my email you might as well allow me to Go Down on you? Right??” Solid logic right there. If I let a dude go down on me every time I finished reading one of his semi-literate internet droppings, Ross Douthat would be a much more well-adjusted man.
+5 for “your most delicate, Sacred prized possession.” You’re going to come over and be soft and gentle with my first edition copy of Ulysses?
Just tell me when so I can refrain from spicy food for a few days.
+4 for forward. Does he think there’s a woman out there who is like, “Yes, I definitely want a man who solicits ass-eating on the internet to come and put his mouth on MY ass. Surely no problems there.”?
+10 for her responses. I love this girl. Although note to girl who I love: I think the proper terminology among the kids these days is “dick pic.”
+4 for him not getting the joke and clarifying — “No, when I said I wanted to eat your ass, I meant I wanted to lick you from your crack to your clit.”
+5 for thinking that her pussy is part of her ass. It reminds me of when I was in health class in 7th grade and we were watching The Miracle Of Life (which for those of you who didn’t take health class in a liberal city in the 90s was a close-up video of a woman’s vagina as she gives birth), and as the baby in the video crowned, a young man in my class screamed out, “OH MY GOD! IT’S COMING OUT HER BUTT!” Then another kid passed out. Seems like this guy didn’t have the top-notch health teachers I did.
im in to every thing just about except me beingfucked i luv to please so why dont we experiment i used to be shy but there is no reason yu are who yu are now own up to it sweet heart for instance i luv squirters
+5 because this is a first message. Listen: Putting your sexual proclivities right out there on your profile is fine. It may limit your dating pool, but that’s your call. But accosting strangers with a heavily sexual, heavily misspelled message? That is just rude.
+2 for spelling and grammar carnage. “Yu” is a new one.
+3 for “sweet heart.” Eew.
+7 for “for instance i luv squirters.” You know, just as a general example of the kinds of things I am into. Among other things. Not being fucked though. But definitely fucking. Definitely squirting. If I had a t-shirt on right now, which I obviously do not, but if I did it would say, “I luv squirters.” Luv them that much.
Can we (mostly you) inform these people of the existence of Fet Life? Sure, you would lose a lot of material, but think of all the ladies you would save!
Yes! Hey pals, Fet Life is a social networking site for the kinky community. If you want to find a kinky partner who’s into BDSM / bondage/ just about any fetish you can imagine, that is an EXCELLENT place to start instead of messaging unsuspecting people on Ok Cupid and hoping you’ll be lucky enough to find someone who will dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog and blow you.
+4 because I’m all for kink, and if your kink is being tied up and fucked with a strap-on, good for you! That isn’t even all that odd, if you’re a regular Dan Savage reader. But maybe it’s something one should work up to with a partner? Or find on Craig’s List? Not really appropriate on a dating site.
+5 for “it’s rare to find what I need.” After looking at my profile you concluded that I am more likely than the average gal to tie you up and fuck you? Was it because I said I like Stanley Kubrick?
+3 for “if interested we need to talk.” Haha. Yes. I would imagine we would.
APPLICATION for Cyber SEX DEAR madam,. I kinda like you. I want to have sex with you but since thats not possible as I am in India I want to see u fingering your anus on webcam. I HAVE DONE IT WITH A FEW babes on OMEGLE and it was fun. Please give me an appointment….
+5 for at least he’s polite in his application?
+9 for “I’d like to have sex, but since that’s not possible, I’ll offer you a second option: Finger your anus on webcam.” Bold move, good sir.
+8 for I HAVE DONE IT WITH A FEW babes. Haha. Sure. And by “I’ve watched a few babes finger their own anuses on OMEGLE” what you really mean is “I saw a bunch of dudes jerking off on ChatRoulette,” right?
+4 because is “I’ve done this with a bunch of other chicks before” supposed to make her want to do it? Peer pressure? Competition? What, exactly, is the incentive here?
+3 for “anus.” Especially “finger your anus.” Especially “finger your anus on webcam.” I am alternately 12 and 85, I know, and as grown-ups we should all use anatomically correct terms for our body parts, but if you’re gonna get all porn-requesty, at least use porny language? “Anus” is not doing the job. And asking someone to do ANYTHING on webcam is hilarious to my 90-year-old self. Kids today, with their anuses and cams!
+5 for asking for an appointment. “I’m sorry sir, I’m trying to fit you in my schedule, but my anus-fingering-on-webcam slots are all filled up this week! If someone cancels at the last minute I’ll give you a call and try and squeeze you in.”
+5 for someone REALLY not being into flaky girls. Unlike all of those other guys on Ok Cupid, who are like, “Yo flaky girls are really my jam.”
+6 for “don’t judge.” Dude. You are internet dating. EVERYONE ON THIS SITE IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU BEFORE THEY KNOW YOU. That is how they determine if they want to go out with you.
+4 because for someone who is so anti-judging, he’s a little judgmental of flaky girls, huh?
+7 because everyone knows that anyone who is like, “Ugh NO MORE DRAMA, PLEASE!!!!” is always a total drama queen, right? It is a universal rule. Dramatic people attract and create drama, and then love to complain about how much they just HATE it. Take a look at your life. If the common thread between all of your relationships is “drama,” perhaps the problem is you.
+2 because clearly I’m just trying to start DRAMA by telling you that. Don’t worry, we could never date anyway because I am totally unreal and flaky and as soon as I see a guy specify NO FLAKY CHICKS AND NO UNREAL CHICKS I’m like, damn, ok, I would have totally hit it but the truth is I am just not very REAL so I guess he isn’t the one for me!
You're right about all of it. The PUA's are wrong, the "nice guys" are wrong, it's true. If a man really wants to payback you fucking cunts, there is only one way, he has to make them desire him naturally, no gimmicks or mysteries. If he's fat, he needs to lose weight. If he's broke, he needs get a job. Women are predictable in some ways, they really require only two things when it comes to dating; a man that will make their girlfriends jealous, and free shit.
U mad bro?
(We also require occasional cunnilingus, as well as non-abuse of the semicolon and other punctuation marks. Keep truckin!)
I find I'm a better person when I don't respond to creepy advances.
MESSAGE 1: I really would like to just talk a bit one day. Not tonight, not trying to corner you. I’ve been working on a project for the weekend and am about to crash. I’ve found you to be a great inspiration in a bizarre 3rd party’ish way. I wrote to you earlier, but didn’t send it.. I’m a month into this site this week and am very discouraged, not cause I want things to happen overnight, but I have a hard time comprehending why people are either so aloof or full of themselves. You and one other girl, honestly, seem different. The other, lives even farther from me than you do and isn’t quite the same…
If nothing else, I am really interested in seeing some of your writings.
MESSAGE 2: You’re right, hair looks so great it almost neutralizes the lameness of a self pic.
Unfortunately, you don’t seem interested in even a clever exchange of words. I would just like to leave you with a few sincere comments.
When I first came across a jaundice looking thumbnail, I figured, poor lighting, or offer some herbal advice. What I found were multitudes of inspiration. How’s this so, without direct communication? Well, I’m a thinker and I regularly reflect on what goes through my mind and, at least what I *can* perceive of, my central nervous system.
Without regard for communication by your obvious disinterest, I am more free to be even more candid than my already open nature.
That said, your face and emotion perceived through images of laughter, combined with your words, was enough to spark a lot of inner dialogue. Some took less time than it takes to type, while some didn’t hit me for days or more.
First- I now realize, the aesthetic attraction I tried to shrug off as shallow, is here to stay and trying to abate something so natural to me, I believe, would result in future misgivings should I try to avoid it.
Another- I thought of a new t-shirt phrase: Will travel for romance.
Another- I admit, I hit the favorite button, *mostly* because I am a bit shallow and found your face to be the prettiest I have yet encountered on this site, but will un-click that status shortly, cause, hey, why torture myself. Leave well enough alone. Further, maybe I can offer you a glimpse into the minds of men you may not even half-heartedly trust.. Can I really be this revealing by telling you what my private note to self was? Fuck it, “your private notes” To wit: Totally my type. Breathtaking doesn’t do her justice. Gas and tolls on the daily if we clicked. So hate the 70 miles between us that is NJ. Lie to yourself Brian, think what a nasty person she must be, she probably kicks dogs, might be a socialist and thinks you’re ugly……..F’k!, still doesn’t make it better. This is why I didn’t want to sign up for this, now look at me, I’m ranting notes to myself and thinking when the last time was I actually prayed out loud.
Another- I actually considered myself Agnostic for a long time, until I dug through enough etymology and mystery school text to dislike the word and find it a misnomer.
I could go on, trust me, but maybe you see the point. Whether we are aware of it or not, it’s amazing how profoundly we can impress one another. This is an aspect of life, most of us shrug off unfortunately.
I wish you the best in all. I was raised by a single mother and value many of her wise words. That said, I bow out, however disheartening. I find it a loss, if nothing else, for the inability to share some of each others perspective to better become whoever it is we may better be one day.
+5 because this guy lives two states away, sends a bizarro initial message and then gets all butthurt when the object of his internet affection doesn’t respond.
+4 for repeat negs. “You and one other girl seem different.” “Almost neutralizes the lameness of a self pic.” You seem great.
+3 for TL;DR.
+4 because I am sure this dude has good intentions, but the whole thing is just so intensely creepy and apparently intended to guilt its recipient into responding?
+2 for the single mother / “women are so wise” bit.
+4 for full-on “I bow out, but am so disappointed” full-on guilt trip at the end. If you have to shame someone into talking to you, maybe reconsider a few things.
+6 for the most disturbing use of “lol” I’ve ever come across.
+5 for trumpeting bizarre racist/misogynist talking points on an online dating site. Who exactly do you think is GETTING those abortions? Is the implication that black women are kinda like the Klan except more successful? LOL. Very LOL.
+2 for fantastic spelling carnage. Clearly your shift key works, so why do only use it intermittently? And clearly you know that the organization is called “Planned Parenthood,” so why not just call it that?
+4 for thinking that it’s ok to send this message as a romantic overture.
Ok, ya got me, I’m a straight, punk, skin headed, gay/lesbo hater. But it’s not a sin, because the Lord up above made us who we are, we all have a chance to be up there with him;) but, yes, I definitely don’t agree with gay acts.
+9 for “gay acts.” You know, the actual “acts” that gay people do in bed are really not all that different from what straight people do. Straight people give and receive oral sex. Straight people give and receive anal sex. Straight people stay up too late watching E! and pass out before having sex. “Gay acts”: We all do them.
+7 for “straight, punk, skin headed gay/lesbo hater.”
+5 for explaining that being gay isn’t a sin, it’s just ACTING gay that’s the problem.
+3 for a pick-up line involving gift cards. Who doesn’t love gift cards?
+4 for mommy issues to the max.
+5 for his mom hating it when white women fart by her. When anyone else farts in her direction she is totally fine I’m sure. Clearly she is racist.
+7 for the fascinating hypothetical: What would YOU do if you farted by his mother and she got an attitude or hit you? I’ll tell you what: I would not fart at a stranger to begin with, and I’d avoid this whole issue.
+4 for insisting that his mother should bow down to white women because of her weak arms and knees. Wouldn’t that make bowing harder?
+3 because what lady doesn’t want a nice young man with some deeply-held race issues and a preference for white women because he knows it’ll anger his mom, who hates white-lady farts?
"Horror all the way" is the most accurate thing you said here.
My self-summary: I’m relaxed, cool, and sometimes off the charts crazy. Unpredictable and mysterious. I’m the type of woman to slap you across the face and then pull your pants down and devour you. I’d be happy to find my perfect match. You must be WHITE. I accept nothing else or less. Sending me a message will be a WASTE OF TIME if you are not white.
What I’m doing with my life: I’m enjoying each and every day shopping, cooking, and taking care of my every need sacrificing nothing.
I’m really good at: I’m good at everything I put my hands on.
The first things people usually notice about me: First thing people notice is my royal presence when I walk into a room.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: Horror all the way
The six things I could never do without:
Booze Food Shopping Hot men Nail polish Implants
I spend a lot of time thinking about: I spend alot of time thinking about life.
On a typical Friday night I am: On a typical Friday I’m diddling a 21 year old.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit: I talk to my plants if they start growing new foliage.
I’m looking for:
Straight guys only
Who are single
For long-term dating
You should message me if:
I like my men tall, fit, sexy, and WHITE. I’m VERY picky. Imagine. I have over 50 men a day messaging me off this site and another. I cannot have them all. You must be different. Cannot be a pig or pervert. No asking me for private pics. No stupid questions. No alcoholics or druggies. No jailbirds. Control is a must. Respect is respected. NO BLACK/ BROWN/OTHER
+8 for being really big on the racism! Especially the “I accept nothing else or less.” Um… can one really be LESS than white? Is that how skin color works?
+7 for being VERY picky — so picky she will reject drug addicts, perverts and ex-cons. Gotta really bring your A-game to get with this one.
+5 because she definitely is The Worst Person In The World, right? Right.
+6 for having the nerve to say she spends a lot of time thinking about “life.” Haha. Ok. I mean, I suppose picking a nail polish color and shopping and hating brown people are part of “life,” so.
+4 for not being able to live without implants. Pretty sure you could, and you have.
+3 for having more than 50 men message her EVERY DAY. Every day! How is she supposed to get anything done, beyond responding to OK Cupid messages, getting her nails done, shopping, diddling 21-year-olds and hating anyone who isn’t the color of printer paper?
+4 for “diddling a 21-year-old.” No. Go to jail. For that and for everything else here.
I love that site. I will start off by admitting I’m not Brad Pitt but I’m not the worst looking guy in the world either. I have a great job, I’m athletic, I’m smart and I’m funny as shit. I know everyone thinks that they’re funny but I’m the funny guy. All of my friends and friends of friends talk about me as being “that funny guy.” I’m also nice as shit. Growing up I had my sisters and my girl cousins, no other boys. I’m straight as an arrow but I learned how to be funny around women, I can be crude and rude but I know how not to cross the line. I’m also described by others as the quintessential “nice guy.” Oh yeah, I also have a great career.
This is my first exposure to a dating website and it’s hilarious to me that, almost universally, women talk about how what their looking for is a nice guy, that’s funny and that they can relate to.
I have 2 buddies that are on eHarmony. They’re my friends but they treat women like shit. To each their own, and it takes 2 to tango. My friends are much more into being superficial and really to all out to take care of their looks. They’re OK looking guys. They’re my friends but I have to say that they’re extremely shallow, not very funny and really interested in one thing. The funny thing is, the women eat this shit up.
I haven’t been “on the market” in 15 years and when I was ready to dive into dating, I was actually looking forward to entering the dating game with women that are actually mature and honest. Honestly, these women are the same stupid girls that I knew in college, etc. They say they want a nice respectful guy but they’d rather roll the dice with a pretty boy who treats them like shit. Good luck with that.
To the women on those dating sites, go fuck yourselves.
+6 for ” I know everyone thinks that they’re funny but I’m the funny guy. All of my friends and friends of friends talk about me as being “that funny guy.”” Wow, really? “That funny guy” is the best your friends can do?
+3 for “I’m also nice as shit.” People who are actually nice and funny do not usually need to SAY that they are nice and funny. Those are two characteristics that just kind of shine through on their own, usually.
+8 for being “the quintessential Nice Guy.” Indeed you are. Maybe Google that term.
+7 for taking to Craig’s List to vent his anger at eHarmony. Maybe he’ll meet a nice girl there. After all, he is so Nice and clearly has zero issues that women should be flocking to him. If they’re not, it’s their fault for being shallow bitches.
Sorry that online dating has distracted you from your busy life hate-fucking a blow-up doll.
Fuck you cunt, your a worthless piece of shit like all women. All I want is a relationship and sex. Report me and get me banned from this shit site again. So I can get some kind of little life back I had.
+3 for the lead-in. I’ve read a lot of terrible openers, but “Fuck you cunt” might be the winner.
+5 because obviously I hate this guy — my GOD what an asshole! — but also my GOD what a sad, sad asshole.
+4 because he could just delete his account…? But apparently someone has some serious impulse control issues.
+2 for “get me banned from this shit site again.” Emphasis on the “again.”
+3 because you know this same dude spends a lot of time on the Men’s Rights boards on Reddit, and when he says he wants to “get some kind of little life I had back,” that’s what he’s referring to.
+5 for “All I want is a relationship and sex.” Hello, and welcome to why EVERYONE online dates. Except men who hate women and think that all ladies are “worthless piece(s) of shit” are notoriously unsuccessful at finding women who want to spend time with them.
+3 because even if I did enjoy the company of men who get themselves repeatedly banned from online dating sites for calling women worthless pieces of shit cunts, I would still have to reject you for using the wrong form of “your.” If you’re going to insist that I am a worthless piece of shit, you’ve gotta use proper grammar.
+6 for calling a girl in your photo — who maybe you used to date? or at least were friends with? — a “bitch” who is “dead to me” on an internet dating site. I am sure all of the ladies will flock to such a nice young man, in the hopes that one day they can be the bitch he wishes were dead. Nothing weird, creepy or threatening there. Keep moving.
+4 for you might not have any pictures, but you could at least utilize the “crop” function, right?
+5 because, in case “crop” is too complex, you are posting this to Ok Cupid via either a smartphone or a computer. Unless you’re using an incredibly old piece of equipment, BOTH OF THOSE THINGS HAVE CAMERAS ON THEM. Take a new photo! But first go buy a shirt.
+50 for holy gigantic sock-dick. Can we even call that thing a dick? It seems almost unfair to include this dick in the same category as all of the other, more reasonably-sized dicks out there.
+4 because it might be stuffed. The head looks a little large, doesn’t it? But he could have taught 7th-grade me a few tricks about using socks to enhance your assets.
+5 for g-string.
+another 5 for g-string WITH ball-and-pube covers.
+10 for arm-warmers. What, it’s a little chilly in the house but you have to take a shirtless pantless dick shot right at this very moment, so you put on your best arm-warmers to prevent shrinkage? Well played.
We’re all looking for nice guys to date, aren’t we? Well there are PLENTY of them online, and they would like you to know how Nice they are. (They are so nice. They are the Nicest Guys). Head over to Buzzfeed and find ‘em.
Is it ok if I cook fries better than you? I'll wear a skirt while I do it, promise.
I like a woman who is happy being feminine and not trying to convince me she can do everything a man can do. It’s OK with me if a woman does something better than a me. Except being masculine. I’ll keep that role thank you. And although I really do appreciate beauty, hopefully your life goal is more than to be the lead fry cook at the local McDonald’s.
It’s OK if you are younger….all I ask is that you be mature. I will most likely steal your innocence. ;)
+2 for “although I appreciate beautify, hopefully you want to be more than a fry cook.” Because the lead fry cook at McDonald’s is now the American standard of beauty? It’s the job all the hot girls get?
+6 for wanting a woman who is more than a fry cook but won’t try to “do everything a man can do.” So… she can be CEO of a Fortune 500 company as long as she promises to never pee standing up?
+4 because of course this guy wants someone younger. Dudes who are intimidated by women they deem “masculine” have serious power issues.
+7 for “steal your innocence” + smiley. You are repulsive and sound like a child molester. Go to jail.
Sorry, I only indulge the fetishes of men who spell out all of their words.
+5 for normal-ish (if annoying) first sentence, segueing directly into foot fetish.
+6 because barefoot on a cake is new. At least it’s not barefoot in a box of worms or something.
+3 because you know this is a copied-and-pasted mass message, so that every lady on OK Cupid now knows about Jim’s frosting-on-feet boner. Come on, Jim. You clearly have the internet. Maybe google image some things instead of harassing unsuspecting women?
"For some internet daters, black women also exist for the viewing (and sexing) pleasure of white people" People of all ethnicities do this kind of stuff, not just white people. I was hit on a black guy that said he only dated white chicks. Me (as a white woman) turned him down and told him I didn't date racists.
Good thing no one has suggested that only white people do this! People of all ethnicities are capable of being total assholes. But yeah sorry the whole “being racist” thing? That’s pretty strong White People Territory. I mean, non-white people can totally be racist. But I don’t really buy the argument that white people are “victims” of racism too. And yes sure there was this one black guy who was like “I only date white girls,” but for the most part, the women who typically have to deal with racial fetishizers and all kinds of weirdness about their race? Are not white.
+2 because this isn’t really offensive or anything, just… bizarre.
+3 because clearly he re-thought the cat plan 20 minutes after sending the initial message. Which, fine, you should re-think that plan, because it’s a bad plan. But the follow-up message just makes it even more strange. And if you made a mistake with the cats, then at least make sure you use the right form of “its” in your follow-up.
+4 because do cats smell great when dry? No. They don’t. Cats stink. Has anyone ever been like, “Mmmmm, I just love the smell of CATS!” No. Never. Because cats have never smelled good. Even cat ladies, god bless them, are not under the impression that their cats are giving off a pleasant odor.
+3 because the only time a cat might smell ok is after a bath with some sort of nicely-scented cat shampoo, further refuting his thesis.
+2 because this idiot just made me write out several sentences about the scent of a cat. Ugh. Hate him.
+2 because I thought maybe this was going to be an elaborate pussy joke? But no. And everyone knows those DEFINITELY smell better when wet.
OKCupid tells me that “no one has contacted you in over a week”, and that makes me incredibly sad. Because you seem like a very cool chick, who’s intelligent and well read and happens to have just the proper amount of snark to her. This travesty will stand no longer.
I’m not quite sure what I have to offer, though… I’m too far away to try the, “Hey, let’s go get some coffee this weekend and have an awkward chat” tactic, and I can’t fold you origami animals and leave them on your desk. So I wrote you a small story, something that I can actually give you over the internets. Enjoy:
"David, we can’t continue on. This has to stop. This… I’m serious!" "But Marta, why? Why!" David’s voice cut through the silence in the living room, chilling the air even more.
"Because we… we’ve grown apart. I just… just… Okay. I don’t love you anymore. There. I’ve said it. I’m sorry."
Feeling the tears rising, his vision becoming hazy, he quickly crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Marta from behind. He could smell her, like rain, and must, and not entirely unpleasant. She went tense in his grasp, but she did not move away.
"I can change… Marta, I can. I know I can. I know this has been difficult on us, but… please. I will do anything for you." "You HAVE done anything, David!" Her words came out sharp, needling him, trying to push him away with their barbs. "More than anything! Need I remind you that my family is in the basement now? They are chopped and stacked like cords of wood in the basement because of your need to appease me."
And suddenly the anger was flaring up in him. “You asked me to do that, Marta! You ASKED me to kill them!” "Yes, but I didn’t ask you to kill my cousins as well, or the neighbor, or the man at the post office! I didn’t ask any of that of you! I didn’t… ask you to kill me…"
And he was holding her tighter, his face burying into her sodden hat and plasticy garments, her dulled bronze skin reflecting blues and reds. “But I’ve always loved you Coat Rack, and I just wanted what was best…”
"I know," The Coat Rack said soothingly, "You’re right… but you might want to lock the basement door. The police are here. They don’t know you’re both unmedicated and have psychotic tendencies."
And as an afterthought, “Which do you like better? Dinosaurs or Robots? You should tell the police you are King of one of those, so they will respect you.” "I like robots better," David said, a wistful smile slowly appearing. And he did, because he was the King of the Robots.
+3 because even though I could not be bothered to read this entire thing, skimming it makes me positive that it is entirely, horribly creepy and 100% inappropriate.
+3 because she’s “too far away” to get a coffee with, so instead of just moving on to the next profile, he will send her a bizarre story. Sure.
+10 because THE STORY IS ABOUT KILLING HER ENTIRE FAMILY AND STACKING THEIR HACKED-UP BODIES IN THE BASEMENT. AND THEN KILLING HER.
+5 because someone needs to put this guy in jail. A guy who’s like “I think it would be a good use of my time to write a story about murdering a lady’s family and then murdering the lady and then send it to the lady who I don’t actually know on an internet dating site” is probably not totally safe, right?
+4 for King of the Robots. You are truly the worst. Marta — and by the way, the real-life recipient’s name does not appear to be Marta, but let’s keep calling her Marta — RUN. BLOCK. RUN GIRL RUN. BLOCK GIRL BLOCK.
+5 because this guy is probably right — I would imagine he personally does not come across many people with an IQ over platypus.
+2 for random capitalization.
+4 for “my point being.” Fascinating transition! Although I don’t think “point” means what you think it means.
+3 for gross fact about giraffes. What about this message is intended to make a lady say, “Wow, this is definitely a man I would like to remove my panties for”? (The word “tongue” in and of itself doesn’t cut it).