A(n)nals of Online Dating
Going deep into your worst internet romances.
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Hello sexy. I’m a nice guy but I have a small penis. Would you make fun of it and have to cheat on me?
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+6 for cuckolding fetish, right? Right.
+3 because yes, be up-front with your fetishes, but (a) be up-front about them instead of creepily beating around the bush, and (b) be up-front about them once you’ve actually met the person you’re messaging and you realize you have a snowball’s chance in hell of sexing them.
+5 because you should always put your best foot forward when online dating. Not your worst 2.5 inches.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
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I wouldn’t mind putting a rubber on and slamming you from behind.
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+4 for safety first!
+2 because “rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.
+7 for his sexy offer to “slam” you. From behind. What vagina doesn’t get a little smiley when it hears it’s about to get “slammed”?
+3 because this guy is for sure awesome in bed. If he’s busy tonight, I’ll just lay face-down in a construction site and ask one of the workers to set a jackhammer on my back. Basically the same thing. Ladies love it.
+4 because this will be such good brunch talk with my girlfriends the next day (INSIDER INFO: Girls love brunch). When we go to brunch after fucking guys like this, we always say things like, “It was just so sexy when I was staring at the ceiling while he humped away like a deranged rabbit” and “It was SO ADORABLE the way he blew his load in three minutes and then asked, ‘Did you come?’ as if that was possible in any universe ever.” Boys! Gotta love ‘em!
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
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+8 because you are definitely not any sort of rapist, domestic abuser or criminal.
+5 for thinking that this is somehow sexy. Someone has been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey.
+4 for believing that this will make a woman interested in him, and not actually totally terrified.
+2 because thank God OK Cupid has a “block this user [because he’s definitely a threat to my person]” button.
TOTAL POINTS: 19.
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would my Prince Albert get caught in your tooth gap?
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+3 for gross.
+6 for not only vaguely insulting her gap tooth, but insulting it with a disgusting comment.
+4 because the answer is probably yes.
TOTAL POINTS: 13.
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Okay I’m going to just ask and hope for the
best….. lets be honest. Do you wanna hook up and fuck? You seem
like my type of woman, personality wise. And I really like you.
Sexy, free time college student here.. I’m NOT looking for a one
night stand… I’m possibly considering a friends with benefits
relationship.
I just haven’t enjoyed the way I would want to
with anyone yet, still looking for something promising, like a fwb
relationship or something discreet that can be ongoing and not just
a one night thing. She needs to appreciate my body and treat it
right, I do have a six pack, I do a lot of track and running here at
my college, so I’m a runner pretty much. I don’t see the point of
anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up
stretching her labia apart… I like to take my time when I’m with
my partner and not just rush into it all, like to caress her and
tease her… a lot… before I even show it to her, that way she
will want it more. But I haven’t found the right woman for that can
satisfy me with what I need. And no one has wanted to meet me..
haven’t had luck :(_________________________________________________
+9 for “no one has wanted to meet me,” frowny-face. So weird. No idea why.
+5 for “And I really like you.” Based on my extensive perusal of your online dating profile, I have determined that I know you well and really enjoy your personality. Now let’s bang.
+10 for “I don’t see the point of anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up stretching her labia apart.” Anal: Yr doin it rong. (Also: STICK OF LOVE).
+4 for making it clear that she must appreciate his body and treat it right by complimenting him on his six-pack and waiting to see his dick until she reeeeeeeally wants it. At which point she will presumably be less disappointed.
TOTAL POINTS: 28.
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+3 for intro run-on sentence.
+5 for clearly not understanding the meaning of the word “elegant.”
+4 for elegance, elegance, elegance, I WANNA EAT YO PUSSY.
+6 for thinking pussy tastes like strawberry shortcake. There are a lot of great things about eating pussy, but its strawberry shortcake flavor is not one of them.
+5 for the long discussion of her “solar flare”-like eyes. It doesn’t even make sense — something about gliding side to side? And arms? But hey it’s the TRUTH.
+4 for being the rare message that actually gets increasingly normal as it winds down. “Interested in drinks or dinner? Perhaps Indian?” is a fine message, even though I’m on the record as being opposed to dinner dates as a first meeting. It’s the opener and the first few sentences that are troublesome here. Dude needs an editor.
+3 for suggesting Indian food before he goes down on her. I mean, there are certainly worse choices, but if you’re hoping for a strawberry-scented vagina, a round of pre-sex chicken tikka masala is not going to do that job.
TOTAL POINTS: 30.
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I’m tall, skinny, and talk a lot of shit.
I’ve had a gym membership since ‘09..
I write poetry.. Here’s one..
Hey I just met you..
And this is crazy…
But here’s my laundry..
So wash it, maybe?__________________________________________
+5 for hilarious poem. LOL I hope you crack a “make me a sammich!” joke next. Hilarious, seriously, and super original.
+6 for “I’ve had a gym membership since 09.” You’ve been going to the gym for a whole THREE YEARS? Wow I’ll bet you’re really hot.
+3 for a summary that tells us very little about him, other than his physical appearance and the fact that he’s not particularly funny and also an asshole. That works, I guess.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
