A(n)nals of Online Dating

do you like cum in your eye? I have a fetish of a cumming in a girls nose. Lava Lamp.. i also heard sometimes i smell like bologna. i hear i taste like onions thats because i eat so much plan white rice. Chalk board. I think bunnys are cute. I was having sex with this girl one day and she said she smelt bologna and i turned around and a milk dud fell out of my butt crack. I havent showered in a few days maybe i need to do that. I like gumbie. This morning i was watching nascar and i stared playing with my balls and i pulled my hand up and i had some fromund sause and wanted to know if you wanted some??????? Dirty dish rag… I think it has been there for a few days….. Flea… Dryed up cum spot on a tee shirt… for fun i like to stick a tolet papper roll up my butt….

__________________________________________________

+5 for the opening line. Definitely wasn’t expecting that to be the most normal sentence of the whole message. Although PSA, dudes: I’ve said this before, but there is not a woman on the planet who is like, “I would really love it if a stranger on the internet would enter my home, do absolutely nothing for me sexually and then cum in my eye.” Enough of you seem confused by this that I’m starting to worry.

+3 because I also think it’s pretty safe to assume that strangers on the internet who smell like bologna are vectors of disease who will probably not be returning any orgasmic favors. So all you’re going to get out of this? Sheets that smell like lunch meat and chlamydia of the eye.

+5 for his extremely unusual fetish. The only worse place I can think of for a dude to cum than in your eye? Up your nose. No one wants to get waterboared with semen.

+2 because at least he likes bunnies. Clearly the man isn’t a total monster.

+8 because this has to be some sort of weird sexual fetish, right? Like, he sits at home alone at night writing the most disgusting messages he can think of to unsuspecting women on the internet because it gets him off somehow? You can tell toward the end, because he’s not even trying anymore. He’s just like, “Ok, gross things… Flea! Dried up cum spot! Dirty dish rag! Toilet paper! Butts!”  Dude isn’t even pretending to make an effort.

+2 because he can apparently spell “bologna” but not “paper.”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.