A(n)nals of Online Dating

Message 1: wanna spread your meaty lips and suck the cum out of your pussy

Message 2: you have a juicy pink pussy with nice meaty lips that needs a face to cum on

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+2 because oral sex is awesome but you just made it sound totally fucking disgusting.

+4 for “meaty.” UGH. STOP IT. There are very few women who, when envisioning their own vulvas, want their labia described as “meaty.”

+5 because this lady is a normal person and does not post photos of her genitalia on Match.com, and therefore he has never seen her pussy, so he has no basis for his assessment of it as pink and meaty (UGH again, I am grossing myself out just typing “meaty”). Her pussy might be more brown and skinny. It might be pale and tiny. We don’t know, and thank god! So stop with the visuals! 

+3 for his offer to suck the cum out of her. That’s not really how it works. The vagina isn’t a straw, and any attempt to vacuum-suck cum out of it is going to be… weird. And noisy.

+6 for both messages making very little sense. This is why grammar rules are important, friends. Are you asking if she wants to spread her lips and suck the cum out of her own pussy? Because look, I do a lot of yoga and I am also fairly slutty, but even I would not do that even if I could. And who is coming on what face now? I understand that you want a vagina on your face, and that’s something I fully support, but you’ve gotta think of a more effective way to convey that desire. If these messages weren’t so poorly phrased, I’d suspect the sender was a writer for Esquire.

No points, but I’m also wondering how many followers I’m going to lose for having the phrase “meaty lips” grace the face of this website so many times in one post. It’s ok you guys, I understand.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.