A(n)nals of Online Dating

+3 for intro run-on sentence.

+5 for clearly not understanding the meaning of the word “elegant.”

+4 for elegance, elegance, elegance, I WANNA EAT YO PUSSY.

+6 for thinking pussy tastes like strawberry shortcake. There are a lot of great things about eating pussy, but its strawberry shortcake flavor is not one of them.

+5 for the long discussion of her “solar flare”-like eyes. It doesn’t even make sense — something about gliding side to side? And arms? But hey it’s the TRUTH.

+4 for being the rare message that actually gets increasingly normal as it winds down. “Interested in drinks or dinner? Perhaps Indian?” is a fine message, even though I’m on the record as being opposed to dinner dates as a first meeting. It’s the opener and the first few sentences that are troublesome here. Dude needs an editor.

+3 for suggesting Indian food before he goes down on her. I mean, there are certainly worse choices, but if you’re hoping for a strawberry-scented vagina, a round of pre-sex chicken tikka masala is not going to do that job.

TOTAL POINTS: 30.