A(n)nals of Online Dating

From the online dating profile of NakedSnake:

I am beyond tired of wasting my time with losers on this site, so we’re going with a new approach. If you are any of the following things don’t message me at all.

1)”I don’t know what I want right now” Then what are you doing on a dating website? My profile is very clear with what I want so if you’re too stupid to know what your want what are you wasting my time for.

2)You have kids. I love kids, I would never have a problem with them. What I have a problem with is their mothers. I’ve dated like 15 chicks with kids and it’s always the same.

Me:So are you free this week let’s go for dinner.
Her:I don’t know maybe next week, or something it’s just so hard to find a sitter.
Me:Yeah I can imagine, so what are you upto tonight?
Her:Oh going to the bar.

Hmm so you don’t have time to go out on a date with a handsome caring guy but you have plenty of time to go get wasted and try to get laid by some drunk slob. Go waste someone elses time.

3)”I just got out of a long relationship” Translation: I’m an emotionial train wreck who has no clue what the hell she’s doing.

4)You wanna be friends and maybe it goes somewhere from there. BYE

5)You’re pregnant. Really what are you doing on here? I could be a rapist, why are you meeting strangers instead of taking care of your unborn child. You’re a mother now act like it.

6)You’re nervous. I’m very tired of making plans with girls who bail out because “I’m nervous” Feel nervous when your writing me? Then go waste someone elses time.

7)You want to date multiple guys. It’s so ridiculous the double standards you girls have. If I dated you and another girl on back to back nights I’m a pig an ***hole and a slut. But you’re playing the field and there’s nothing wrong with that right?

Unless you’re a ****ing idiot it’s VERY clear what I’m looking for. You think I want to be out with my friends and say “Oh there’s that girl I went out with last night… and she’s kissing that guy for some reason.” You might enjoy being a whore, I don’t enjoy the company of whores.

8)You want your man to do everything for you because you think you’re hot. First off, there’s chicks WAY hotter then you who are down to Earth. Secondly I’d like someone to cook and clean for me, and massage me everyday but last time I checked relantionships were about partnership and unity. What your thinking of is called SLAVERY.

9)You “think” you can get away seeing mutliple people. Make no mistake about it, I am more likely then not smarter then you. Furthermore I have dated more people then you and almost all of them were losers. I can see through your pathetic deceptions a mile away, go think your clever with some other sucker.

10)You’re very very busy. Then I guess you have no time for me, so bye.

11)You’re crazy

Logically and mathematically if a smart, witty, caring, poetic, atheltic, funny, loyal and honest man such as myself can exist then reason dictates that at least ONE WOMAN should exist with these qulaities as well. This of course assuming she hasn’t died yet or hasn’t become extrelmly jaded by losers like I have. So what do I want from a girl?

Appreication first and foremost. There is not alot of good guys going around nevermind one the calibur of me, if you don’t get that I don’t want to have anything to do with you.

You should be smart, and understanding. Open and ambiitious. Caring and loyal. Honest and giving. Virtous qualities, not ridden with vices.

I want someone to grow old with, I want someone to have fun with and go dancing with while our hips still work. I want someone who reads, I’m a writer literature is amazing, Jersey shore is not. Someone who wants to go symphonies, ballets, plays, live obscure bands in wierd little restaurants. Someone with a great sense of humor, who likes to bug me and be bugged back. Someone who’s there to support me, someone who can be supported and doesn’t lash out to be a lone wolf. Someone who doesn’t create problems where they don’t exist and is willing to listen and work towards it when they do. I want a girl who’s beautiful and knows it, who walks around with a self confidence not an arrogance. You must absloutely want kids, I can’t compromise on that.

There’s so much more negative crap I could add to the list, and alot more positive I could add to the other but that’s not necessary.

Theory dictates that a genunine girl who is all those things exists. In practice however my best chance seems to be buying a wig and calling my reflection Naked Vagina

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+2 for beginning his profile by calling everyone on the dating site “losers.”

+6 for “You’re pregnant. Really what are you doing on here? I could be a rapist, why are you meeting strangers instead of taking care of your unborn child. You’re a mother now act like it.” (a) Who has he met on an online dating site who’s like, “BTW I’m pregnant;” (b) He could be a rapist whether she’s pregnant or not. Unsure how the prospects of him being a rapist are made significantly worse by virtue of her being with child.

+4 for being angry that a woman on an online dating site may want to date multiple dudes. That is the whole point of “dating.” And then for preemptively calling her a whore and basically threatening to track her down if she dates anyone else after looking at his profile.

+2 for “You’re crazy.” Unclear that anyone sane would respond to this ad.

+10 for “Logically and mathematically if a smart, witty, caring, poetic, atheltic, funny, loyal and honest man such as myself can exist then reason dictates that at least ONE WOMAN should exist with these qulaities as well.” Oh NakedSnake. How is it that you haven’t yet found love?

+5 for “I want someone to grow old with, I want someone to have fun with and go dancing with while our hips still work. I want someone who reads, I’m a writer literature is amazing, Jersey shore is not. Someone who wants to go symphonies, ballets, plays, live obscure bands in wierd little restaurants.” You’re a writer? Wierd me two.

+9 for “Theory dictates that a genunine girl who is all those things exists. In practice however my best chance seems to be buying a wig and calling my reflection Naked Vagina.” Sounds about right.

+10 because he also lists his ethnicity as “Caucasian with Black hair.”

TOTAL POINTS: 48.