A(n)nals of Online Dating

I'd be up for you never messaging me again

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 18:16:33 -0500

I have a question I’m here to try new things would you let me suck your toes and lick your ass hole I’m just trying to keep it real with you I really hope you not offended by my message you seem sweet I’m just trying to be true to myself or I can’t expect myself to be true to you and just because I want to be a little freaky for once does not mean I’m a Creep or bad person please don’t judge me by this one message ;-) So if your up for any of thoses two things or if you have anything else in mind just let me know I’m up for almost anything

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+5 for being “true to himself” by using no punctuation other than an emoticon.

+2 for capitalizing Creep. Seems about right.

+9 for asking a stranger on the internet to allow him to suck her toes and lick her asshole, and having the self-awareness to realize it’s weird and creepy, but going for it anyway on the off chance she says yes.

+4 because there is no chance she said yes.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

Only if you fuck as well as you punctuate.

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 06:31:06 -0500

+5 for no punctuation at all.

+15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks?

+6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy.

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

Buzzfeed Column: The Dirtiest Old Men on the Internet

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 16:28:16 -0500

Buzzfeed Column: The Dirtiest Old Men on the Internet

Do werewolves fart, though?

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 16:00:31 -0500

some of my pet peeves are the sound of dishes clanking together, the sound of empty beer bottles hitting each other, the sound that silverware makes whn it hits a hard surface, the sound of static, and a really high pitch beeping sound hurts my ears, and i say all this cuz to some ppl it may not hurt there ears but i have real sensitive ears… so i now will tell u wat i have for pets i have a boxer/pit mixed dog named Rockey and i have a black and white baby rat named Kira, i know this next part is goin to sound kinda out there but i’m basicaly a werewolf kinda i mean i don’t turn into one i just get the personality of one like i love the moon, i like to howl at the moon, i like to bite, and my k-9 teeth get sharper whn the moon comes out like i said it sounds pretty out there but its true, i mean i like werewolf’s more then vampires…. if u want to talk more to me other thn on here add me on my [email] account which is mc_magicfart_[redacted]@[redacted].com yes i know it sounds kinda funny or childish but i made it i think in 2001…

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+5 for how to you live at all if every single noise drives you insane?

+2 for thinking that things everyone hates, like really high-pitched beeping sounds, are “pet peeves.”

+3 for grammar, spelling and punctuation carnage.

+12 for “I’m a werewolf.” You definitely also have a really awesome Tumblr, right? And you’re a totally oppressed Otherkin?

+5 because what woman doesn’t want to date a dude who howls at the moon and bites? TEAM JACOB!

+4 because a REAL wolf would have eaten the rat and the dog by now.

TOTAL POINTS: 31.

Jelly seems like a better option.

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 22:14:53 -0500

I’m not saying I’m chivalrous, but I’m polite. Before anal sex I’ll be sure to put some nutella or peanut butter on your butthole and lick it up.

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+8 because lining your butthole with a nut-based spread is extremely polite in some cultures. Right?

+5 because this guy has definitely never had anal sex before if he thinks that a sticky thick food item is going to help the situation.

+3 because why the first-message anal sex reference? This is officially a Thing that dudes on internet dating sites do, and I don’t understand it. Has it ever worked? Has any woman ever read a message from a dude wanting to fuck her in the ass and been like, “Yes, that is definitely the kind of guy who will use appropriate amounts of lube and not ram his rock-hard three inches into my butt without proper preparation and will absolutely be into the kinds of sexual activities that are most likely to make me cum”? I mean maybe but yeah no, never.

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

Just want to comment about your interview on askmen and the idea that it is easier to simply not respond to a message if you are not interested. As a guy (hopefully a fairly normal one), I would much rather get a short "thanks, but I am not interested' message rather than having to feel like a creep checking to see if the person has been online and trying to guess if my original message had been received. Does this not seem normal and less of a waste of time for everyone?

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 09:45:45 -0500

Good point! Opinions on this one vary — some people want a “thanks but no thanks” response, while others prefer no response. I think the key is, if you get a “thanks but I’m not interested” or are just ignored, let it be. The reason I don’t send “thanks but I’m not interested” responses is that I’ve gotten some REALLY hostile responses back, or had dudes try to argue with me. So it’s been easier just to ignore. But I agree the “thanks but no thanks” responses are perfectly nice and normal and also not a waste of anyone’s time. Unless the recipient of the “thanks but no” message gets hostile. Then it’s bad and weird.

Buzzfeed Column: The Biggest Buttheads in Internet Dating

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 19:27:16 -0400

Buzzfeed Column: The Biggest Buttheads in Internet Dating

Thank you for ruining my sundae.

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 15:50:43 -0400

+15 for poop ice cream.

+8 for what kind of ice cream shop is he taking you to? I don’t think they allow that kind of behavior at Baskin Robbins.

+4 for non-sequitur. “I love high school sluts, so I will finger your asshole.” Sure ok.

+6 for “and then you will tell me if it’s as good as you remember.” So you’ve fingered this girl’s asshole and dipped it in ice cream before? Or she’s tasted her own asshole/ice cream combination before? I think you are incorrect on that one.

+3 for “kaboooooom.” Why?

+5 for thinking that this would ever sound appealing to anyone, let alone a total stranger.

+2 for first date. FIRST DATE! Lots of people don’t even kiss on that date, and you’re already feeding each other ass ice cream? No.

TOTAL POINTS: 43.

A(n)nals in Ask Men

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 14:27:32 -0400

A(n)nals in Ask Men

The size issue is definitely upsetting.

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 22:19:35 -0400

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+15 for the HILARIOUS Ok Cupid moderator conversation along the right-hand side.

+4 for “user has sent link to photos of a small penis. Delete.”

+6 for the next video of him jacking off (delete), and then “its different every time you click on it!”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

I don't even need to see it to make fun of you.

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 23:03:21 -0400

Hello sexy. I’m a nice guy but I have a small penis. Would you make fun of it and have to cheat on me?

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+6 for cuckolding fetish, right? Right.

+3 because yes, be up-front with your fetishes, but (a) be up-front about them instead of creepily beating around the bush, and (b) be up-front about them once you’ve actually met the person you’re messaging and you realize you have a snowball’s chance in hell of sexing them.

+5 because you should always put your best foot forward when online dating. Not your worst 2.5 inches.

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

Is this your patented "Three-Second Slam" I've heard so much about?

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 19:32:07 -0400

I wouldn’t mind putting a rubber on and slamming you from behind.

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+4 for safety first!

+2 because “rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.

+7 for his sexy offer to “slam” you. From behind. What vagina doesn’t get a little smiley when it hears it’s about to get “slammed”?

+3 because this guy is for sure awesome in bed. If he’s busy tonight, I’ll just lay face-down in a construction site and ask one of the workers to set a jackhammer on my back. Basically the same thing. Ladies love it.

+4 because this will be such good brunch talk with my girlfriends the next day (INSIDER INFO: Girls love brunch). When we go to brunch after fucking guys like this, we always say things like, “It was just so sexy when I was staring at the ceiling while he humped away like a deranged rabbit” and “It was SO ADORABLE the way he blew his load in three minutes and then asked, ‘Did you come?’ as if that was possible in any universe ever.” Boys! Gotta love ‘em!

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

Well you sound like you'd be a real joy in the sack.

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 16:22:54 -0400

+8 because you are definitely not any sort of rapist, domestic abuser or criminal.

+5 for thinking that this is somehow sexy. Someone has been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey.

+4 for believing that this will make a woman interested in him, and not actually totally terrified.

+2 because thank God OK Cupid has a “block this user [because he’s definitely a threat to my person]” button.

TOTAL POINTS: 19.

No but my boot might get caught in your ass.

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 20:29:29 -0400

would my Prince Albert get caught in your tooth gap?

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+3 for gross.

+6 for not only vaguely insulting her gap tooth, but insulting it with a disgusting comment.

+4 because the answer is probably yes.

TOTAL POINTS: 13.

Buzzfeed Column: How To Not Be Terribly Blatantly Shallow On OK Cupid

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 15:05:25 -0400

Buzzfeed Column: How To Not Be Terribly Blatantly Shallow On OK Cupid

Sorry, I only do disco sticks.

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 16:57:13 -0400

Okay I’m going to just ask and hope for the
best….. lets be honest. Do you wanna hook up and fuck? You seem
like my type of woman, personality wise. And I really like you.
Sexy, free time college student here.. I’m NOT looking for a one
night stand… I’m possibly considering a friends with benefits
relationship.
I just haven’t enjoyed the way I would want to
with anyone yet, still looking for something promising, like a fwb
relationship or something discreet that can be ongoing and not just
a one night thing. She needs to appreciate my body and treat it
right, I do have a six pack, I do a lot of track and running here at
my college, so I’m a runner pretty much. I don’t see the point of
anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up
stretching her labia apart… I like to take my time when I’m with
my partner and not just rush into it all, like to caress her and
tease her… a lot… before I even show it to her, that way she
will want it more. But I haven’t found the right woman for that can
satisfy me with what I need. And no one has wanted to meet me..
haven’t had luck :(

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+9 for “no one has wanted to meet me,” frowny-face. So weird. No idea why.

+5 for “And I really like you.” Based on my extensive perusal of your online dating profile, I have determined that I know you well and really enjoy your personality. Now let’s bang.

+10 for “I don’t see the point of anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up stretching her labia apart.” Anal: Yr doin it rong. (Also: STICK OF LOVE).

+4 for making it clear that she must appreciate his body and treat it right by complimenting him on his six-pack and waiting to see his dick until she reeeeeeeally wants it. At which point she will presumably be less disappointed.

TOTAL POINTS: 28.

Buzzfeed Column: 9 Things You Must Do When An Online Date Goes IRL

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:00:49 -0400

Buzzfeed Column: 9 Things You Must Do When An Online Date Goes IRL

Sounds like you'd prefer sushi.

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:59:40 -0400

+3 for intro run-on sentence.

+5 for clearly not understanding the meaning of the word “elegant.”

+4 for elegance, elegance, elegance, I WANNA EAT YO PUSSY.

+6 for thinking pussy tastes like strawberry shortcake. There are a lot of great things about eating pussy, but its strawberry shortcake flavor is not one of them.

+5 for the long discussion of her “solar flare”-like eyes. It doesn’t even make sense — something about gliding side to side? And arms? But hey it’s the TRUTH.

+4 for being the rare message that actually gets increasingly normal as it winds down. “Interested in drinks or dinner? Perhaps Indian?” is a fine message, even though I’m on the record as being opposed to dinner dates as a first meeting. It’s the opener and the first few sentences that are troublesome here. Dude needs an editor.

+3 for suggesting Indian food before he goes down on her. I mean, there are certainly worse choices, but if you’re hoping for a strawberry-scented vagina, a round of pre-sex chicken tikka masala is not going to do that job.

TOTAL POINTS: 30.

Here's my fist. Run it into your face, maybe.

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 09:42:38 -0400

I’m tall, skinny, and talk a lot of shit.
I’ve had a gym membership since ‘09..

I write poetry.. Here’s one..

Hey I just met you..
And this is crazy…
But here’s my laundry..
So wash it, maybe?

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+5 for hilarious poem. LOL I hope you crack a “make me a sammich!” joke next. Hilarious, seriously, and super original.

+6 for “I’ve had a gym membership since 09.” You’ve been going to the gym for a whole THREE YEARS? Wow I’ll bet you’re really hot.

+3 for a summary that tells us very little about him, other than his physical appearance and the fact that he’s not particularly funny and also an asshole. That works, I guess.

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

What I feel like when I pick the most flattering photos to put on my online dating profile

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 09:55:20 -0400