A(n)nals of Online Dating

WHY ARE U SO MEEN 2 ME I WAS JUS INTERESTED IN U CUZ U SEEM LIKE A SWEET PERSON BUT I SEE UR NOT U JUST PRE JUDJE ME WITH OUT EVEN KNOWING ME GROW U
UR ACTING LIKE UR A TEEN AGE GIRL IN STEAD OF A WOMAN IN HER 20TYS I DONT WANT 2 TALK 2 U EITHER GOOD BYE

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+3 for ALL CAPS.

+6 for “U JUST PRE JUDJE ME.” I wouldn’t say it’s “pre,” but yes, I have judjed you. For not being able to spell. And for using zero punctuation. And for sending me angry/sack-sad ALL CAPS messages on an internet dating site.

+8 for the kindergarten power play: I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU GOODBYE! And yet here you are, still talking.

+4 for the middle school power play: YOU ARE SO IMMATURE, GOD.

+5 for believing that any woman who doesn’t want to date him — him being a clearly insane young man — is clearly an immature teenage girl and not an adult woman capable of making rational choices. I suspect even immature teenage girls do not want to date men who e-scream at them and complain that a refusal to hang out with them is being “meen.”

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

HELLO DEAR, 


IT NICE TO KNOW YOU I JUST LOGGED IN AND SAW YOUR PROFILE READ ABOUT YOU I ALWAYS TRY TO SEARCH MY OWN SELF OR INNER SOUL YOU ARE ALWAYS SURPRISE BY YOUR OWN FINDINGS AND MANY TIMES IT AMAZES YOU, BUT I FEEL ITS WORTH TO KNOW YOUR OWN SELF. 
WELL AFTRE READING YOUR PROFILE I JUST DECIDED TO SAY HI TO YOU, I HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN AND JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE, LOVE TO TALK, DRIVE AND DO ALL THE NONSENSE, AS I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE, LAUGHTER AND SMILE, SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK. I HOPE THAT YOU ARE FINE AND ROCKING AS EVER. WISHING YOU A GREAT WEEK AHEAD AND, IF YOU FEEL IT IS FINE THEN HIT BACK IF NOT THEN JUST TRY AND KEEP TRYING. KEEP THE SMILE ON 



Never take someone for granted. 
Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day, 
and realise that you’ve lost a diamond, while you were too busy collection stones. 



LOVE

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+2 for ALLCAPS until the Very Deep Thoughts.

+3 for the ALLCAPS portion of that message containing only four sentences. That is some bold comma abuse.

+5 for soul-searching on eHarmony, and discovering that what motivates and inspires him is the caps lock key and never taking a stranger on the internet for granted.

+6 for “JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE.”  So… you’re a tiny, mentally unstable and sometimes rude woodsman? Exactly what I’m looking for.

+4 for ” I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE.”  What the hell does that even mean? Adult or child, PICK ONE.

+4 for “SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK.”  Exactly what every grown woman wants to hear: I am going to chase you like a kid trying to pull your pigtails on the playground. Write back!

+5 for the diamond/stone/don’t-take-people-for-granted thing. It doesn’t even make sense. If you’re supposed to hold every person close to your heart, and people are rocks(?), then you should have a big stone collection at the end, right?

+3 because I was expecting him to tell her that he has 6 million pounds he can send her from a Nigerian account if she’ll just give him her bank account information. And instead we got a metaphor about rocks. I love a surprise ending.

TOTAL POINTS: 28.