A(n)nals of Online Dating
Going deep into your worst internet romances.
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+5 for no punctuation at all.
+15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks?
+6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy.
TOTAL POINTS: 26.
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*shrug* okay, suit yourself.
bye.
p.s.
you’re so fucking hot i would lick the poop out of your butthole just to touch your ass________________________________________________________
+6 for sending this lady two moronic messages, receiving no response, and then letting this doozy fly.
+3 for passive-aggressive. “I mean ok whatever, I didn’t like you that much anyway, even though I feel like we had a really amazing connection based on the 45 seconds I spent reading your online dating profile and realizing that your favorite bands are, like, totally my favorite bands too, which doesn’t happen that often because everyone on here is just, like, a Pitchfork-writer wannabe but you and I both know what’s, like, ACTUALLY good, you know? But whatever, *shrug* okay, suit yourself, this coulda been something but whatever, not all of us want or need love.”
+12 for the licking the poop out of the butthole. Dear god, son! That is how you get E. Coli! And while God knows I am in favor of licking all over and in-between one’s bathing suit area, eating actual poop is where I draw the line (and I don’t have many lines — they are, in toto, poop, animals, kids, dead people). There are tons of ways you can get your hot-lady ass-touching (and hot-lady ass-licking!) needs in without exposing yourself to cholera. Investigate those.
+another 5 because this just ruined my lunch — which, by the way, was a $12 tossed salad, so thank you.
TOTAL POINTS: 26.
