A note from your esteemed editor: That really long post from the most ridiculous human being alive has now been taken down twice, because he keeps reporting it to Tumblr as a copyright violation, and Tumblr is obligated to remove any reported post. But thank you, dear readers, for sending me archived copies of it! You saved me a lot of work. This dude has also sent me several ALLCAPS emails, where he drops some serious Legal Knowledge that he obtained via Wikipedia (I’m sure the LSATs, like the GREs, would go extremely well for him). Anyway, I never link directly to peoples’ actual dating profiles because that seems mean, but after a series of obnoxious communiques, I’ve decided I really would hate to violate his rights, so here’s a direct link to his profile. And here are the emails he sent me:
Subject: Wow magic!
Email: and its gone!
next time ask if you want to use my work…but it will cost you a date….(as long as ur good looking that is)
Subject: did u see that copyright on my profile?
Im very flattered for posting my masterpiece, however…yes it has a copyright belonging to me “Worst Guy” scroll down to the bottom and you will see the intellectual property.
How did I find it? Lets just say having 7 straight guys from Chicago suddenly check me out raised a flag.
I appreciate the reviews, but you need to take it off your blog.
P.S. I can an unreal amount of women from the rant I wrote.
Subject: Take it down dear.
Email: You do not even have an elementary understanding of what I wrote. Its absolutely pathetic, you think its real! IT IS A SATIRE. You arent the first and will not be the last I sue for copyright infringement. IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT IT IS A PROFILE ON OK CUPID.
Let me explain this in other ways: I have asked tumblr for all of your contact information and for them to completely take down your site. If you want to roll the dice, see you in court!
READ AND LEARN:
+2 for TL;DR. Really, there are so many things I want to make fun of in his profile, but it is SO DAMN LONG I can’t read it all. Sorry if I miss something.
+2 for repeated threatening emails. LOL, SEE YOU IN COURT! CASE CLOSED!
+3 for “you’re entitled if you expect me to spend more than $5 on you.” But you should definitely date me after reading a rant on my online dating profile about how women are mostly fat gold-digging bitches (and if you aren’t interested in dating me, it’s probably because you’re a fat gold-digging bitch).
+4 for mentioning his dick size twelve different times. I promise he drives a large truck and packs a small penis.
+3 for “I treat this like a text message, not a love letter.” Well then, you are paying my cell phone bill, because this shit just ate up my data usage for a month.
+2 for “grammar nazi’s.”
+2 for “I have 10x the education you could ever imagine.” True, if you can only imagine kindergarten. Or if you pretend to have gone to law school.
+3 for his greasing the pole / corporate girls analogy. So… you are a firefighter or a stripper?
+4 for wanting a girl who is “classy” and “and just happen to have a great rack and an ass that they rap about.” This guy also sounds so classy! Also who is “they”?
+5 for the girl who told him to “die in a ditch.”
+3 for Captain Kink.
+2 because this is a joke, right? I thought it was a joke, but then there’s SO much effort put into making it ridiculous that I think it might not be. Or if it is, whoever created it is almost as sad as what they’re mocking. It’s just too long and painful.
+1 for “I’m really good at… the color blue.”
+4 for “im not perfect, and i know ur not, double neg = positive, so lets date baby! any geeks out there? confirm that for me, the lassssttt thing i want is to look like an idiot on this.” Haha.
+3 because someone got a bad score on the GRE.
+2 for thinking it’s sexy to tell a girl she’ll be going to work in a wheelchair. JUST WAIT BABY.
LOL ‘85 Camaro. +5.
+3 for listing like 15 things under “six things I could never do without.” This is why you got a 2 on the GRE, brother.
+6 because dear God there is so much more, but I’m getting dumber reading this profile so I have to quit. But if this guy can find love and I can’t, I am going to kill myself.
+10 for his claim that this is “satire.” That word does not mean what you think it means. Good luck on round two of the GREs.
TOTAL POINTS: 69. Appropriate.