A(n)nals of Online Dating

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+6 for opening with sexual abuse.

+4 for “you remind me of a woman who was sexually abused by several people.”

+8 for that tampon story. That’s… kind of awesome? But also fucking disgusting and crazy. I mean, fuck that guy, what a toad, but yeah pulling out a tampon in a bar is… something. If I were a random patron, I would be displeased.

+5 because you realize you just sent someone a paragraph-long message about your best ex-girlfriend, right? Someone you are trying to date? Someone who you are implying is maybe kinda like her, but obviously not as fearless and awesome? No. That is not how you get your dick wet (or bloody, as the case may be).

+2 for “respectfully.” Ha. Ok sure.

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

HOLY CRAP ………you are cuter than a new puppy peein on its tail ! (I have more haha) Id like to know more ? JOHNNY

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+3 for laughing at his own joke. LOL haha.

+4 for a puppy wetting itself as the epitome of “cute.” I like puppies as much as the next CuteOverload fan, but they are not cute when they urinate on themselves.

+6 because this guy was also on a TV show where he claimed he won an Olympic gold medal in skeet shooting. That never actually happened.

TOTAL POINTS: 13.

Message 1: wanna spread your meaty lips and suck the cum out of your pussy

Message 2: you have a juicy pink pussy with nice meaty lips that needs a face to cum on

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+2 because oral sex is awesome but you just made it sound totally fucking disgusting.

+4 for “meaty.” UGH. STOP IT. There are very few women who, when envisioning their own vulvas, want their labia described as “meaty.”

+5 because this lady is a normal person and does not post photos of her genitalia on Match.com, and therefore he has never seen her pussy, so he has no basis for his assessment of it as pink and meaty (UGH again, I am grossing myself out just typing “meaty”). Her pussy might be more brown and skinny. It might be pale and tiny. We don’t know, and thank god! So stop with the visuals! 

+3 for his offer to suck the cum out of her. That’s not really how it works. The vagina isn’t a straw, and any attempt to vacuum-suck cum out of it is going to be… weird. And noisy.

+6 for both messages making very little sense. This is why grammar rules are important, friends. Are you asking if she wants to spread her lips and suck the cum out of her own pussy? Because look, I do a lot of yoga and I am also fairly slutty, but even I would not do that even if I could. And who is coming on what face now? I understand that you want a vagina on your face, and that’s something I fully support, but you’ve gotta think of a more effective way to convey that desire. If these messages weren’t so poorly phrased, I’d suspect the sender was a writer for Esquire.

No points, but I’m also wondering how many followers I’m going to lose for having the phrase “meaty lips” grace the face of this website so many times in one post. It’s ok you guys, I understand.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

how about u give me the red wings of death

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+2 for succinct.

+7 for “red wings.” Do the kids still use that term? Aww, kids.

+5 for “of death.” I’m not even sure what that means? In my day (I am 96) “red wings” was a reference to eating out a girl on her period (everyone should try it, orgasms relieve cramps). But where does the “of death” come in?

+4 because as much as I am a proponent of period sex — as I am a proponent of sex of most kinds — soliciting someone via internet dating site for period-oral? I’m not against it, we all have our things, but, well, it seems a little… intense? Especially since you appear to equate it WITH DEATH?

+3 because if this turns into some murder-scene fantasy role-play, I am out.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

*shrug* okay, suit yourself. 
bye. 
p.s. 
you’re so fucking hot i would lick the poop out of your butthole just to touch your ass

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+6 for sending this lady two moronic messages, receiving no response, and then letting this doozy fly.

+3 for passive-aggressive. “I mean ok whatever, I didn’t like you that much anyway, even though I feel like we had a really amazing connection based on the 45 seconds I spent reading your online dating profile and realizing that your favorite bands are, like, totally my favorite bands too, which doesn’t happen that often because everyone on here is just, like, a Pitchfork-writer wannabe but you and I both know what’s, like, ACTUALLY good, you know? But whatever, *shrug* okay, suit yourself, this coulda been something but whatever, not all of us want or need love.”

+12 for the licking the poop out of the butthole. Dear god, son! That is how you get E. Coli! And while God knows I am in favor of licking all over and in-between one’s bathing suit area, eating actual poop is where I draw the line (and I don’t have many lines — they are, in toto, poop, animals, kids, dead people). There are tons of ways you can get your hot-lady ass-touching (and hot-lady ass-licking!) needs in without exposing yourself to cholera. Investigate those.

+another 5 because this just ruined my lunch — which, by the way, was a $12 tossed salad, so thank you.

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

mmm you are thin, so thin, like a thin boy

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+5 for complimenting her by comparing her to a skinny male.

+6 for complimenting her by comparing her to a skinny UNDERAGE male.

+3 for each time he used the word “thin.”

+2 for “mmmm.” I can just see him licking his gross pedo lips.

+4 because you know when he’s not looking at child pornography, he’s using Thinspiration sites to get off.

+2 for think he likes skinny chicks?

+5 for the answer: No. He likes under-age boys. And should probably go to jail.

TOTAL POINTS: 27.