A(n)nals of Online Dating
Going deep into your worst internet romances.
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+5 for no punctuation at all.
+15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks?
+6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy.
TOTAL POINTS: 26.
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hey im 26 in brooklyn and in a relationship. I have pics if your interested, goodlooking, white athletic. Im not looking for anything too serious….more chill and stress free times. Im looking for someone to have drinks with and fun once in a while and maybe some rough fucks….
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+2 for zero apostrophes.You know a guy who is too lazy to hit one extra key is going to be awesome in bed.
+4 for “I’m not looking for anything too serious” shortly after “in a relationship.”
+3 for “stress free times.” Yes, being the Other Woman for a guy who cheats on his girlfriend via Match.com is a notoriously stress-free experience.
+5 for pretty much standard douche message — in a relationship, can’t spell, thinks “good looking” is one word, uses incorrect form of “your,” misuses ellipses, offers “pics,” describes himself as “athletic,” just wants to “have drinks and fun” — right up until the end, when he brings it over the edge with “rough fucks.”
+2 because this guy’s version of “rough fucks” is basically just jackhammering, right? And maybe grabbing your tits kinda hard?
+3 because what woman, when trolling for “rough fucks” on a dating site, wouldn’t want a guy who has zero photos and at least one girlfriend?
TOTAL POINTS : 19.
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HELLO DEAR,
IT NICE TO KNOW YOU I JUST LOGGED IN AND SAW YOUR PROFILE READ ABOUT YOU I ALWAYS TRY TO SEARCH MY OWN SELF OR INNER SOUL YOU ARE ALWAYS SURPRISE BY YOUR OWN FINDINGS AND MANY TIMES IT AMAZES YOU, BUT I FEEL ITS WORTH TO KNOW YOUR OWN SELF.
WELL AFTRE READING YOUR PROFILE I JUST DECIDED TO SAY HI TO YOU, I HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN AND JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE, LOVE TO TALK, DRIVE AND DO ALL THE NONSENSE, AS I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE, LAUGHTER AND SMILE, SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK. I HOPE THAT YOU ARE FINE AND ROCKING AS EVER. WISHING YOU A GREAT WEEK AHEAD AND, IF YOU FEEL IT IS FINE THEN HIT BACK IF NOT THEN JUST TRY AND KEEP TRYING. KEEP THE SMILE ON
Never take someone for granted.
Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day,
and realise that you’ve lost a diamond, while you were too busy collection stones.
LOVE_____________________________________________________________
+2 for ALLCAPS until the Very Deep Thoughts.
+3 for the ALLCAPS portion of that message containing only four sentences. That is some bold comma abuse.
+5 for soul-searching on eHarmony, and discovering that what motivates and inspires him is the caps lock key and never taking a stranger on the internet for granted.
+6 for “JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE.” So… you’re a tiny, mentally unstable and sometimes rude woodsman? Exactly what I’m looking for.
+4 for ” I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE.” What the hell does that even mean? Adult or child, PICK ONE.
+4 for “SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK.” Exactly what every grown woman wants to hear: I am going to chase you like a kid trying to pull your pigtails on the playground. Write back!
+5 for the diamond/stone/don’t-take-people-for-granted thing. It doesn’t even make sense. If you’re supposed to hold every person close to your heart, and people are rocks(?), then you should have a big stone collection at the end, right?
+3 because I was expecting him to tell her that he has 6 million pounds he can send her from a Nigerian account if she’ll just give him her bank account information. And instead we got a metaphor about rocks. I love a surprise ending.
TOTAL POINTS: 28.
