A(n)nals of Online Dating

I wouldn’t mind putting a rubber on and slamming you from behind.

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+4 for safety first!

+2 because “rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.

+7 for his sexy offer to “slam” you. From behind. What vagina doesn’t get a little smiley when it hears it’s about to get “slammed”?

+3 because this guy is for sure awesome in bed. If he’s busy tonight, I’ll just lay face-down in a construction site and ask one of the workers to set a jackhammer on my back. Basically the same thing. Ladies love it.

+4 because this will be such good brunch talk with my girlfriends the next day (INSIDER INFO: Girls love brunch). When we go to brunch after fucking guys like this, we always say things like, “It was just so sexy when I was staring at the ceiling while he humped away like a deranged rabbit” and “It was SO ADORABLE the way he blew his load in three minutes and then asked, ‘Did you come?’ as if that was possible in any universe ever.” Boys! Gotta love ‘em!

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

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+6 for opening with sexual abuse.

+4 for “you remind me of a woman who was sexually abused by several people.”

+8 for that tampon story. That’s… kind of awesome? But also fucking disgusting and crazy. I mean, fuck that guy, what a toad, but yeah pulling out a tampon in a bar is… something. If I were a random patron, I would be displeased.

+5 because you realize you just sent someone a paragraph-long message about your best ex-girlfriend, right? Someone you are trying to date? Someone who you are implying is maybe kinda like her, but obviously not as fearless and awesome? No. That is not how you get your dick wet (or bloody, as the case may be).

+2 for “respectfully.” Ha. Ok sure.

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

Hello there.. How are you?? I know you are looking for girl but trust me i body type is thin and like a girl body.. U gone enjoy it..

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+3 for straight guy hitting on a lesbian.

+8 for “I’m thin like a girl.” Uh… pretty sure “I’m interested in women” doesn’t mean “I’m interested in anyone skinny.” Fairly confident, in fact, that “I’m interested in women” has a relatively high correction to “I’m interested in pussy. Titties are nice too.” Not 100%, but high enough.

+2 because since when are all (or even most) girls thin?

+4 for “U gone enjoy it.” If your sexual skills are anything like your grammatical ones, I can pretty much guarantee that no, I will not enjoy it.

+3 because I realize that internet porn has destroyed common sexual sense for an entire generation of young men, but dude, just because “lesbians” on www.hotlesbiansluts.com will suck dick doesn’t mean that real-life lesbians want you (or any other man) balls-deep in their special For Ladies Only place.

+4 because aren’t there are enough straight women on the internet for you to annoy? At least give lesbians this one little break. It doesn’t make up for Prop 8, but it’s the least we can do.

+2 because also YOU ARE A DUDE. C’mon son. Why set yourself up for this kind of disappointment?

TOTAL POINTS: 26.