A(n)nals of Online Dating

I have a question I’m here to try new things would you let me suck your toes and lick your ass hole I’m just trying to keep it real with you I really hope you not offended by my message you seem sweet I’m just trying to be true to myself or I can’t expect myself to be true to you and just because I want to be a little freaky for once does not mean I’m a Creep or bad person please don’t judge me by this one message ;-) So if your up for any of thoses two things or if you have anything else in mind just let me know I’m up for almost anything

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+5 for being “true to himself” by using no punctuation other than an emoticon.

+2 for capitalizing Creep. Seems about right.

+9 for asking a stranger on the internet to allow him to suck her toes and lick her asshole, and having the self-awareness to realize it’s weird and creepy, but going for it anyway on the off chance she says yes.

+4 because there is no chance she said yes.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

+5 for no punctuation at all.

+15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks?

+6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy.

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

I’m not saying I’m chivalrous, but I’m polite. Before anal sex I’ll be sure to put some nutella or peanut butter on your butthole and lick it up.

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+8 because lining your butthole with a nut-based spread is extremely polite in some cultures. Right?

+5 because this guy has definitely never had anal sex before if he thinks that a sticky thick food item is going to help the situation.

+3 because why the first-message anal sex reference? This is officially a Thing that dudes on internet dating sites do, and I don’t understand it. Has it ever worked? Has any woman ever read a message from a dude wanting to fuck her in the ass and been like, “Yes, that is definitely the kind of guy who will use appropriate amounts of lube and not ram his rock-hard three inches into my butt without proper preparation and will absolutely be into the kinds of sexual activities that are most likely to make me cum”? I mean maybe but yeah no, never.

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

+15 for poop ice cream.

+8 for what kind of ice cream shop is he taking you to? I don’t think they allow that kind of behavior at Baskin Robbins.

+4 for non-sequitur. “I love high school sluts, so I will finger your asshole.” Sure ok.

+6 for “and then you will tell me if it’s as good as you remember.” So you’ve fingered this girl’s asshole and dipped it in ice cream before? Or she’s tasted her own asshole/ice cream combination before? I think you are incorrect on that one.

+3 for “kaboooooom.” Why?

+5 for thinking that this would ever sound appealing to anyone, let alone a total stranger.

+2 for first date. FIRST DATE! Lots of people don’t even kiss on that date, and you’re already feeding each other ass ice cream? No.

TOTAL POINTS: 43.

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+15 for the HILARIOUS Ok Cupid moderator conversation along the right-hand side.

+4 for “user has sent link to photos of a small penis. Delete.”

+6 for the next video of him jacking off (delete), and then “its different every time you click on it!”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

Hello sexy. I’m a nice guy but I have a small penis. Would you make fun of it and have to cheat on me?

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+6 for cuckolding fetish, right? Right.

+3 because yes, be up-front with your fetishes, but (a) be up-front about them instead of creepily beating around the bush, and (b) be up-front about them once you’ve actually met the person you’re messaging and you realize you have a snowball’s chance in hell of sexing them.

+5 because you should always put your best foot forward when online dating. Not your worst 2.5 inches.

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

I wouldn’t mind putting a rubber on and slamming you from behind.

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+4 for safety first!

+2 because “rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.

+7 for his sexy offer to “slam” you. From behind. What vagina doesn’t get a little smiley when it hears it’s about to get “slammed”?

+3 because this guy is for sure awesome in bed. If he’s busy tonight, I’ll just lay face-down in a construction site and ask one of the workers to set a jackhammer on my back. Basically the same thing. Ladies love it.

+4 because this will be such good brunch talk with my girlfriends the next day (INSIDER INFO: Girls love brunch). When we go to brunch after fucking guys like this, we always say things like, “It was just so sexy when I was staring at the ceiling while he humped away like a deranged rabbit” and “It was SO ADORABLE the way he blew his load in three minutes and then asked, ‘Did you come?’ as if that was possible in any universe ever.” Boys! Gotta love ‘em!

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

+8 because you are definitely not any sort of rapist, domestic abuser or criminal.

+5 for thinking that this is somehow sexy. Someone has been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey.

+4 for believing that this will make a woman interested in him, and not actually totally terrified.

+2 because thank God OK Cupid has a “block this user [because he’s definitely a threat to my person]” button.

TOTAL POINTS: 19.