A(n)nals of Online Dating

+15 for poop ice cream.

+8 for what kind of ice cream shop is he taking you to? I don’t think they allow that kind of behavior at Baskin Robbins.

+4 for non-sequitur. “I love high school sluts, so I will finger your asshole.” Sure ok.

+6 for “and then you will tell me if it’s as good as you remember.” So you’ve fingered this girl’s asshole and dipped it in ice cream before? Or she’s tasted her own asshole/ice cream combination before? I think you are incorrect on that one.

+3 for “kaboooooom.” Why?

+5 for thinking that this would ever sound appealing to anyone, let alone a total stranger.

+2 for first date. FIRST DATE! Lots of people don’t even kiss on that date, and you’re already feeding each other ass ice cream? No.

TOTAL POINTS: 43.

how about u give me the red wings of death

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+2 for succinct.

+7 for “red wings.” Do the kids still use that term? Aww, kids.

+5 for “of death.” I’m not even sure what that means? In my day (I am 96) “red wings” was a reference to eating out a girl on her period (everyone should try it, orgasms relieve cramps). But where does the “of death” come in?

+4 because as much as I am a proponent of period sex — as I am a proponent of sex of most kinds — soliciting someone via internet dating site for period-oral? I’m not against it, we all have our things, but, well, it seems a little… intense? Especially since you appear to equate it WITH DEATH?

+3 because if this turns into some murder-scene fantasy role-play, I am out.

TOTAL POINTS: 21.

do you like cum in your eye? I have a fetish of a cumming in a girls nose. Lava Lamp.. i also heard sometimes i smell like bologna. i hear i taste like onions thats because i eat so much plan white rice. Chalk board. I think bunnys are cute. I was having sex with this girl one day and she said she smelt bologna and i turned around and a milk dud fell out of my butt crack. I havent showered in a few days maybe i need to do that. I like gumbie. This morning i was watching nascar and i stared playing with my balls and i pulled my hand up and i had some fromund sause and wanted to know if you wanted some??????? Dirty dish rag… I think it has been there for a few days….. Flea… Dryed up cum spot on a tee shirt… for fun i like to stick a tolet papper roll up my butt….

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+5 for the opening line. Definitely wasn’t expecting that to be the most normal sentence of the whole message. Although PSA, dudes: I’ve said this before, but there is not a woman on the planet who is like, “I would really love it if a stranger on the internet would enter my home, do absolutely nothing for me sexually and then cum in my eye.” Enough of you seem confused by this that I’m starting to worry.

+3 because I also think it’s pretty safe to assume that strangers on the internet who smell like bologna are vectors of disease who will probably not be returning any orgasmic favors. So all you’re going to get out of this? Sheets that smell like lunch meat and chlamydia of the eye.

+5 for his extremely unusual fetish. The only worse place I can think of for a dude to cum than in your eye? Up your nose. No one wants to get waterboared with semen.

+2 because at least he likes bunnies. Clearly the man isn’t a total monster.

+8 because this has to be some sort of weird sexual fetish, right? Like, he sits at home alone at night writing the most disgusting messages he can think of to unsuspecting women on the internet because it gets him off somehow? You can tell toward the end, because he’s not even trying anymore. He’s just like, “Ok, gross things… Flea! Dried up cum spot! Dirty dish rag! Toilet paper! Butts!”  Dude isn’t even pretending to make an effort.

+2 because he can apparently spell “bologna” but not “paper.”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

*shrug* okay, suit yourself. 
bye. 
p.s. 
you’re so fucking hot i would lick the poop out of your butthole just to touch your ass

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+6 for sending this lady two moronic messages, receiving no response, and then letting this doozy fly.

+3 for passive-aggressive. “I mean ok whatever, I didn’t like you that much anyway, even though I feel like we had a really amazing connection based on the 45 seconds I spent reading your online dating profile and realizing that your favorite bands are, like, totally my favorite bands too, which doesn’t happen that often because everyone on here is just, like, a Pitchfork-writer wannabe but you and I both know what’s, like, ACTUALLY good, you know? But whatever, *shrug* okay, suit yourself, this coulda been something but whatever, not all of us want or need love.”

+12 for the licking the poop out of the butthole. Dear god, son! That is how you get E. Coli! And while God knows I am in favor of licking all over and in-between one’s bathing suit area, eating actual poop is where I draw the line (and I don’t have many lines — they are, in toto, poop, animals, kids, dead people). There are tons of ways you can get your hot-lady ass-touching (and hot-lady ass-licking!) needs in without exposing yourself to cholera. Investigate those.

+another 5 because this just ruined my lunch — which, by the way, was a $12 tossed salad, so thank you.

TOTAL POINTS: 26.

You’re just like Margaret Thatcher - she had great tits too.

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+3 for classic neg.

+4 for “Margaret Thatcher” and “tits” in the same sentence.

+2 for old-right-wing-lady fetish. Next up: Nancy Reagan.

TOTAL POINTS: 9.