A(n)nals of Online Dating

some of my pet peeves are the sound of dishes clanking together, the sound of empty beer bottles hitting each other, the sound that silverware makes whn it hits a hard surface, the sound of static, and a really high pitch beeping sound hurts my ears, and i say all this cuz to some ppl it may not hurt there ears but i have real sensitive ears… so i now will tell u wat i have for pets i have a boxer/pit mixed dog named Rockey and i have a black and white baby rat named Kira, i know this next part is goin to sound kinda out there but i’m basicaly a werewolf kinda i mean i don’t turn into one i just get the personality of one like i love the moon, i like to howl at the moon, i like to bite, and my k-9 teeth get sharper whn the moon comes out like i said it sounds pretty out there but its true, i mean i like werewolf’s more then vampires…. if u want to talk more to me other thn on here add me on my [email] account which is mc_magicfart_[redacted]@[redacted].com yes i know it sounds kinda funny or childish but i made it i think in 2001…

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+5 for how to you live at all if every single noise drives you insane?

+2 for thinking that things everyone hates, like really high-pitched beeping sounds, are “pet peeves.”

+3 for grammar, spelling and punctuation carnage.

+12 for “I’m a werewolf.” You definitely also have a really awesome Tumblr, right? And you’re a totally oppressed Otherkin?

+5 because what woman doesn’t want to date a dude who howls at the moon and bites? TEAM JACOB!

+4 because a REAL wolf would have eaten the rat and the dog by now.

TOTAL POINTS: 31.

Message 1: wanna spread your meaty lips and suck the cum out of your pussy

Message 2: you have a juicy pink pussy with nice meaty lips that needs a face to cum on

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+2 because oral sex is awesome but you just made it sound totally fucking disgusting.

+4 for “meaty.” UGH. STOP IT. There are very few women who, when envisioning their own vulvas, want their labia described as “meaty.”

+5 because this lady is a normal person and does not post photos of her genitalia on Match.com, and therefore he has never seen her pussy, so he has no basis for his assessment of it as pink and meaty (UGH again, I am grossing myself out just typing “meaty”). Her pussy might be more brown and skinny. It might be pale and tiny. We don’t know, and thank god! So stop with the visuals! 

+3 for his offer to suck the cum out of her. That’s not really how it works. The vagina isn’t a straw, and any attempt to vacuum-suck cum out of it is going to be… weird. And noisy.

+6 for both messages making very little sense. This is why grammar rules are important, friends. Are you asking if she wants to spread her lips and suck the cum out of her own pussy? Because look, I do a lot of yoga and I am also fairly slutty, but even I would not do that even if I could. And who is coming on what face now? I understand that you want a vagina on your face, and that’s something I fully support, but you’ve gotta think of a more effective way to convey that desire. If these messages weren’t so poorly phrased, I’d suspect the sender was a writer for Esquire.

No points, but I’m also wondering how many followers I’m going to lose for having the phrase “meaty lips” grace the face of this website so many times in one post. It’s ok you guys, I understand.

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

HELLO DEAR, 


IT NICE TO KNOW YOU I JUST LOGGED IN AND SAW YOUR PROFILE READ ABOUT YOU I ALWAYS TRY TO SEARCH MY OWN SELF OR INNER SOUL YOU ARE ALWAYS SURPRISE BY YOUR OWN FINDINGS AND MANY TIMES IT AMAZES YOU, BUT I FEEL ITS WORTH TO KNOW YOUR OWN SELF. 
WELL AFTRE READING YOUR PROFILE I JUST DECIDED TO SAY HI TO YOU, I HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN AND JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE, LOVE TO TALK, DRIVE AND DO ALL THE NONSENSE, AS I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE, LAUGHTER AND SMILE, SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK. I HOPE THAT YOU ARE FINE AND ROCKING AS EVER. WISHING YOU A GREAT WEEK AHEAD AND, IF YOU FEEL IT IS FINE THEN HIT BACK IF NOT THEN JUST TRY AND KEEP TRYING. KEEP THE SMILE ON 



Never take someone for granted. 
Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day, 
and realise that you’ve lost a diamond, while you were too busy collection stones. 



LOVE

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+2 for ALLCAPS until the Very Deep Thoughts.

+3 for the ALLCAPS portion of that message containing only four sentences. That is some bold comma abuse.

+5 for soul-searching on eHarmony, and discovering that what motivates and inspires him is the caps lock key and never taking a stranger on the internet for granted.

+6 for “JUST TO GIVE YOU BRIEF ABOUT ME, I AM INTO MY OWN BUSINESS WHO IS A NUT, CRAZY, IMP AND VERY BLUNT, I LIKE NATURE.”  So… you’re a tiny, mentally unstable and sometimes rude woodsman? Exactly what I’m looking for.

+4 for ” I BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND ONE HAS TO LIVE IT FULLY LIKE A KID, LIKE AN ADULT AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF IT BY SPREADING LOVE.”  What the hell does that even mean? Adult or child, PICK ONE.

+4 for “SEE NOW I AM HERE TO CHASE YOU LIKE A KID AND HOPE YOU GONNA STOP BY TO PEN DOWN FEW LINE TO ME WHICH WILL MAKE ME SMILE AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN WRITE YOU BACK.”  Exactly what every grown woman wants to hear: I am going to chase you like a kid trying to pull your pigtails on the playground. Write back!

+5 for the diamond/stone/don’t-take-people-for-granted thing. It doesn’t even make sense. If you’re supposed to hold every person close to your heart, and people are rocks(?), then you should have a big stone collection at the end, right?

+3 because I was expecting him to tell her that he has 6 million pounds he can send her from a Nigerian account if she’ll just give him her bank account information. And instead we got a metaphor about rocks. I love a surprise ending.

TOTAL POINTS: 28.