A(n)nals of Online Dating

I’m not saying I’m chivalrous, but I’m polite. Before anal sex I’ll be sure to put some nutella or peanut butter on your butthole and lick it up.

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+8 because lining your butthole with a nut-based spread is extremely polite in some cultures. Right?

+5 because this guy has definitely never had anal sex before if he thinks that a sticky thick food item is going to help the situation.

+3 because why the first-message anal sex reference? This is officially a Thing that dudes on internet dating sites do, and I don’t understand it. Has it ever worked? Has any woman ever read a message from a dude wanting to fuck her in the ass and been like, “Yes, that is definitely the kind of guy who will use appropriate amounts of lube and not ram his rock-hard three inches into my butt without proper preparation and will absolutely be into the kinds of sexual activities that are most likely to make me cum”? I mean maybe but yeah no, never.

TOTAL POINTS: 16.

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+15 for the HILARIOUS Ok Cupid moderator conversation along the right-hand side.

+4 for “user has sent link to photos of a small penis. Delete.”

+6 for the next video of him jacking off (delete), and then “its different every time you click on it!”

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

Hello sexy. I’m a nice guy but I have a small penis. Would you make fun of it and have to cheat on me?

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+6 for cuckolding fetish, right? Right.

+3 because yes, be up-front with your fetishes, but (a) be up-front about them instead of creepily beating around the bush, and (b) be up-front about them once you’ve actually met the person you’re messaging and you realize you have a snowball’s chance in hell of sexing them.

+5 because you should always put your best foot forward when online dating. Not your worst 2.5 inches.

TOTAL POINTS: 14.

I wouldn’t mind putting a rubber on and slamming you from behind.

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+4 for safety first!

+2 because “rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.

+7 for his sexy offer to “slam” you. From behind. What vagina doesn’t get a little smiley when it hears it’s about to get “slammed”?

+3 because this guy is for sure awesome in bed. If he’s busy tonight, I’ll just lay face-down in a construction site and ask one of the workers to set a jackhammer on my back. Basically the same thing. Ladies love it.

+4 because this will be such good brunch talk with my girlfriends the next day (INSIDER INFO: Girls love brunch). When we go to brunch after fucking guys like this, we always say things like, “It was just so sexy when I was staring at the ceiling while he humped away like a deranged rabbit” and “It was SO ADORABLE the way he blew his load in three minutes and then asked, ‘Did you come?’ as if that was possible in any universe ever.” Boys! Gotta love ‘em!

TOTAL POINTS: 20.

would my Prince Albert get caught in your tooth gap?

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+3 for gross.

+6 for not only vaguely insulting her gap tooth, but insulting it with a disgusting comment.

+4 because the answer is probably yes.

TOTAL POINTS: 13.

Okay I’m going to just ask and hope for the
best….. lets be honest. Do you wanna hook up and fuck? You seem
like my type of woman, personality wise. And I really like you.
Sexy, free time college student here.. I’m NOT looking for a one
night stand… I’m possibly considering a friends with benefits
relationship.
I just haven’t enjoyed the way I would want to
with anyone yet, still looking for something promising, like a fwb
relationship or something discreet that can be ongoing and not just
a one night thing. She needs to appreciate my body and treat it
right, I do have a six pack, I do a lot of track and running here at
my college, so I’m a runner pretty much. I don’t see the point of
anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up
stretching her labia apart… I like to take my time when I’m with
my partner and not just rush into it all, like to caress her and
tease her… a lot… before I even show it to her, that way she
will want it more. But I haven’t found the right woman for that can
satisfy me with what I need. And no one has wanted to meet me..
haven’t had luck :(

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+9 for “no one has wanted to meet me,” frowny-face. So weird. No idea why.

+5 for “And I really like you.” Based on my extensive perusal of your online dating profile, I have determined that I know you well and really enjoy your personality. Now let’s bang.

+10 for “I don’t see the point of anal if the girl just wants a big stick of love up right up stretching her labia apart.” Anal: Yr doin it rong. (Also: STICK OF LOVE).

+4 for making it clear that she must appreciate his body and treat it right by complimenting him on his six-pack and waiting to see his dick until she reeeeeeeally wants it. At which point she will presumably be less disappointed.

TOTAL POINTS: 28.

+3 for intro run-on sentence.

+5 for clearly not understanding the meaning of the word “elegant.”

+4 for elegance, elegance, elegance, I WANNA EAT YO PUSSY.

+6 for thinking pussy tastes like strawberry shortcake. There are a lot of great things about eating pussy, but its strawberry shortcake flavor is not one of them.

+5 for the long discussion of her “solar flare”-like eyes. It doesn’t even make sense — something about gliding side to side? And arms? But hey it’s the TRUTH.

+4 for being the rare message that actually gets increasingly normal as it winds down. “Interested in drinks or dinner? Perhaps Indian?” is a fine message, even though I’m on the record as being opposed to dinner dates as a first meeting. It’s the opener and the first few sentences that are troublesome here. Dude needs an editor.

+3 for suggesting Indian food before he goes down on her. I mean, there are certainly worse choices, but if you’re hoping for a strawberry-scented vagina, a round of pre-sex chicken tikka masala is not going to do that job.

TOTAL POINTS: 30.

+9 because who among us does not ideally want to end up with a lefty Christian gal who loves anal?

+7 because this guy has clearly been dating too many lefty Christians. If he wants ALL ANAL ALL THE TIME, he needs to find some abstinence-only education graduates. Virginity preservation ahoy! And twice the syphilis!

+5 because apparently you can have some pairing of lefty politics, you can have devout Christianity, or you can have anal, but not all three at once. Seems about right.

+4 because I hope she responded to tell him that, in furthering the Biblical prerogative to love they neighbor, she also loves giving anal sex and she hopes he’s her trifecta, and will submit to her as they both submit to Christ. Let’s see how lefty he gets then.

TOTAL POINTS: 25.

HeyyA,

What is UP? I knowww  NothinG.. Haha Alrighty then!! Next.. Yes I do have a sense of Humor and I am a mellow Down to earth Gentleman for sure. So to be completely honest with you, I have been contemplating on sending you this email or not. I almost gave myself a black eye in deciding. Just Kiddding!! Why am I emailing you like this Out of the Blue without me knowing anything about you except from what I read on your Post? Well like I said I am feeling Invincible today and that gives me fearless abilities to jump over buildings and ask you crazzzzy but Sane questions like the one I am going to try and ask you in a second.
 
First though something about me. I am a 30 something guy (to me age is just a Number, We all mature at different times and we all die at different ages, so that’s what makes age a silly number)just adjusting to single life, Don’t ask UGH haha!! Anyway I can tell you that being single already SucKs Soo BaD. I even woke up this morning and told myself that Today is going to be a Better day.. For the most part it hasn’t been all that BaD so far, but the day is not even close to being over. I should not complain too Much and if I did No one would care!! Rightttt? See I told ya. HaHaH

Back to my Invincible positivity. You are Not going to believe this But besides being Invincible today, I woke up today feeling Strong with good positive vibes and a twinge of Naughty Too!! Yes I did say naughty or BaD if you want to call it.. HaHaa !! So I decided I should try and do something about it, that’s why I have chosen you to be that “One”. OK so what I NeeD is a really Big favor from You to ME!!  I am sure we can work out the finer details and exchange pictures to see if it’s a GO or not! That’s of course after you say “YesSSSsss !!! :-P

The Question.. Yeahh the Question is “Can I Please, With All of your Permission, “Go Down” on U and lick you in all of the right spots?? YES I am Serious!! I know crazy huh?? But Seriously, I could really use that taste of YouR tangy sweetness! That’s how I ROLL!! In Today’s Lingo. I can give you enough reasons WHY you SHOULD let me Go Down on you, but I am Positive I can Not think of ONE Bad Reason. Can You? I mean if you have Read this far into my email you might as well allow me to Go Down on you? Right?? I think that’s Only Fair…

I know will absolutely surprise you with how seductive and soft and gentle I am going to be with your most delicate, Sacred prized possession.. As if that’s Not enough to get you to say Yes I could also throw in a full body massage? Make this a Pamper “You” Day…

So that’s it, that’s the Big Question I wanted to ask you, short sweet and to the point (sort of). So what do you think? ;-P  Tempted? What’s there to Lose? You gotta Say Yes Right? There are no further Obligations either. I promise! I want to do this for You with you and To you!!

 YeSSsss  ??

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+5 for the bizarre capitalization. Surely it takes longer to type like that than to just write like a normal person, yeah?

+3 for cliche machine.

+6 for “tangy sweetness.” Eew.

+5 for “I can give you enough reasons WHY you SHOULD let me Go Down on you, but I am Positive I can Not think of ONE Bad Reason. Can You?”  Yes, I can think of several reasons why I would not let a stranger from the internet taste my “tangy sweetness.” For example: (1) herpes; (2) herpes; (3) if you can’t be bothered to type properly, I have no reason to believe you can be bothered to eat me out properly.

+4 for “I mean if you have Read this far into my email you might as well allow me to Go Down on you? Right??” Solid logic right there. If I let a dude go down on me every time I finished reading one of his semi-literate internet droppings, Ross Douthat would be a much more well-adjusted man.

+5 for “your most delicate, Sacred prized possession.” You’re going to come over and be soft and gentle with my first edition copy of Ulysses?

TOTAL POINTS: 28.

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+5 for the “eat out” t-shirt as his profile pic. And the slight duck-lips he’s making are pretty choice. This one definitely knows how to pull in the classy ladies.

+6 for MILFs, LOL.

+3 for his typical Friday night sounding normal, normal, normal, what?

+3 because I think this is supposed to make women attracted to him? Like, “Oh, 50-something-year-old women want to touch your nuts, let me intercede!” Nope.

TOTAL POINTS: 17.