Only if I can have your AOL screen name.

filter me into your chat, send me your #, and put up a full body photo +6 for this self-described “super hot male” not putting up any photos. +3 for messaging her a list of a demands. +4 for “full body photo.” Gross. TOTAL POINTS: 13.

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Only if you fuck as well as you punctuate.

+5 for no punctuation at all. +15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks? +6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy. TOTAL POINTS: 26.

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Jelly seems like a better option.

I’m not saying I’m chivalrous, but I’m polite. Before anal sex I’ll be sure to put some nutella or peanut butter on your butthole and lick it up. +8 because lining your butthole with a nut-based spread is extremely polite in some cultures. Right? +5 because this guy has definitely never had anal sex before […]

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Do werewolves fart, though?

some of my pet peeves are the sound of dishes clanking together, the sound of empty beer bottles hitting each other, the sound that silverware makes whn it hits a hard surface, the sound of static, and a really high pitch beeping sound hurts my ears, and i say all this cuz to some ppl […]

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“Horror all the way” is the most accurate thing you said here.

My self-summary: I’m relaxed, cool, and sometimes off the charts crazy. Unpredictable and mysterious. I’m the type of woman to slap you across the face and then pull your pants down and devour you. I’d be happy to find my perfect match. You must be WHITE. I accept nothing else or less. Sending me a […]

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Sorry, I only indulge the fetishes of men who spell out all of their words.

+5 for normal-ish (if annoying) first sentence, segueing directly into foot fetish. +6 because barefoot on a cake is new. At least it’s not barefoot in a box of worms or something. +3 because you know this is a copied-and-pasted mass message, so that every lady on OK Cupid now knows about Jim’s frosting-on-feet boner. […]

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At least he puts his best foot forward.

+50 for holy gigantic sock-dick. Can we even call that thing a dick? It seems almost unfair to include this dick in the same category as all of the other, more reasonably-sized dicks out there. +4 because it might be stuffed. The head looks a little large, doesn’t it? But he could have taught 7th-grade […]

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The size issue is definitely upsetting.

+15 for the HILARIOUS Ok Cupid moderator conversation along the right-hand side. +4 for “user has sent link to photos of a small penis. Delete.” +6 for the next video of him jacking off (delete), and then “its different every time you click on it!” TOTAL POINTS: 25.

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