Go away, douche. That’s American.

Please respond with your approximate height and weight. I need it for the cage, I mean dress I’m planning on buying you.

I’m 5’8, 185 lbs, Christian, spiritual, single, monogamous, romantic, politically incorrect, Conservative Libertarian, kind of funny, a little crazy, very protective, and as a bonus, I smell a lot like love and have intelligents two – won a spielling be in gramnar skool. I’d like to meet a single white or Latina female with a pretty face who is under 5’8 and not over 200 lbs – nothing against BBWs, just don’t want to get squished. Middle Eastern nymphomaniacs and Jehovah’s Witnesses who are frustrated virgins are OK too. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, so even if you aren’t that crazy about the way you look, I may see you differently, since I’ve always been the type who likes people for their qualities, but loves them for their defects, especially when I’m drunk, which is quite often. Now if your idea of a good time involves Italian Ice, cheap champagne and long passionate nights rocking the funk (69, from behind, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, all the good ones) with your sexy junk, I’ll be on you like lack of pigmentation on an albino.

But seriously, I am looking for a long term relationship (but will settle for great sweaty sex with someone who douches, uses deodorant, doesn’t have smelly feet, and is willing to pay attention to me for more than 30 seconds at a time), so I need a chick who will make me a priority in her life at least 2 or 3 times a week. I don’t have time for games or excuses, so leave your doctor’s note at home. I ain’t buying it and you shouldn’t be selling it sister.

Sometimes I’m a little insecure and require assurance and I can be a handful, but that’s only because I have a huge heart and have always had the misfortune of hooking up with women, who seem intent on either breaking it or rolling over right after they get their tinglies. So selfish. I hate that. I do need my cuddle time and I’m not just saying that like most guys do. I will cuddle you until you file a restraining order against me. It is that serious. I will smother your ass. Clingy doesn’t even begin to describe how needy I am. Some people have accused me of being bi-polar as well, but terms and descriptions have such negative connotations – I prefer emotionally spontaneous, selectively demented, delightfully unpredictable or orally gifted. Not that picky when it comes to labels.

If you live in my area and are childless, that’s a big plus (one of my recurring nightmares involves a bunch of half Oriental, half-black, 100 percent snot-nosed, red-headed children tugging at my pants and calling me, “Daddy”), being single (may consider really hawt married chicks who won’t cheat on me with their husband OR ANY ONE ELSE), faithful and STD free is a must. Are you moist yet? Then send me your photographs (full facial nudity appreciated – no mustaches please). If you don’t, you’ll never get to see me…. cause I will find you, then blind you…..

My ad was formerly known as, “Latino Still Seeking Chubby Shorty With a Pretty Face.” That didn’t work out too well. Some of the females who responded were scarier (not physically, but mentally) than me. Yikes!!!! So I decided to stop discriminating against wealthy benefactors, publishers and those who are calorically challenged. That’s right ladies. I am now available to affluent, middle-class and impoverished women of all shapes and sizes, as long as you meet the aforementioned criteria in the preceding paragraphs and think you can handle me and my craziness. Yippee hippie!!! I feel like a kidney in a candy store. But wait, there’s more!!! If you act now, you may win a date with me in knee pads. We can discuss who is going to be wearing the knee pads later.

Disclaimer: I am married —- to having fun. I’ll show you the time of your life – movie, dinner and slow dancing. Then afterward, I’ll go to the police and report you missing. Who’d of thought it would be so hard to find a soul mate on CL with an enticing offer like that?

Disclaimer Part Deux: Most chicks who reply don’t make it past the email or texting/phone stage and the ones who do, I wish hadn’t. Alas, whoa is me. Oh yes I did girlfriend. Whoa is me. See? I did it again for good measure. I’m controversial. You can’t stop me. I’m out of control. Are you? If so, touche douche . That’s French.

Much like its creator, this ad will remain a work in progress until it is answered, by someone who is so cute, that Hello Kitty slashes their tires out of jealousy. And when that day comes, I shall weep – tears of joy my friends. Sweet tears of joy.

Which reminds me…. Some people say, “Grace,” before they eat. I say, “Helllooooooo Kitty.”

+3 for TL;DR.

+5 for the opening line setting the stage for an incredibly creepy message ostensibly penned by the Abusive Boyfriend in every Lifetime movie ever.

+4 for “douches, uses deodorant and doesn’t have smelly feet.”

+6 for threatening to cuddle you until you get a restraining order, and then saying that it has been suggested by multiple people that he has an untreated mental illness. Hilarious! Definitely date this guy.

+8 for “one of my recurring nightmares involves a bunch of half Oriental, half-black, 100 percent snot-nosed, red-headed children tugging at my pants and calling me, “Daddy”.” I can count approximately 4 different kinds of racism in that one sentence. Can you find more?

+3 for his gross oral sex joke at the end. $10 says homeboy has never been face to face with a “kitty” in his life.