If Seth Rogan can impregnate Katherine Heigl, I don’t see why I’m not entitled to put it in you.

Now about me in a paragraph. Is that possible..? I am a nice guy. As a matter of fact, I think I am too nice. I think that’s part of my problem. Women say they want a nice guy but they seem to pick the douchbags. Then again, I’ve been told I’m an ***hole. So I’m probably the nicest ***hole you’ll ever meet. I can be brutally honest. I prefer being this way even though it’s not always the best or result in the best outcome. I believe in white lies. I believe everyone tells lies. I live in a small bachelor apt in Halifax, I sleep on a futon. It’s not much because I don’t need much to be happy. I have a pet tortoise. I drive a pickup truck and I have a motorcycle. I am t-shirt and jeans kind of guy. I don’t have 6-pack set of abs, more of a 2-pack, but I keep a 6-pack in the fridge. I try to work out to keep in shape for my other job but I hate doing it alone so it’s more of a chore than a hobby. I like horror movies. I like the same movies all typical men like, the more boobs and explosions the better, but I also don’t mind watching dramas and romantics from time to time, I’ve even cried before. I think I have a fantastic sense of humor. I WILL make you laugh. If I don’t, then its your fault. Think Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Monty Python, thats my type. I work with the Internet all day, I code websites and I have a bit of OCD about it. It seems to have carried over to other things. All my cans in my cupboard are front facing. I wear red converse sneakers or Doc Marten boots. I love to go off-road mountain biking. I am currently reading the fantasy series Wheel of Time, I am on book 11. I like breakfast for supper. I could eat steak and potatoes all the time. I dont mind going downtown to dance and have some drinks, as long as it’s not filled with just high school kids. I like house parties to, especially where there is someone playing a guitar. I like staying up late and falling asleep to some movie.

I’d like a woman who is comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but has dresses in her closet for those times. She can wear either pj’s or nothing around the house. She must have good personal hygiene, from top to bottom. Hopfully she likes to cook and likes the same types of movies. I dont want her to be exactly like me, becasue I want to try some new things. I’d like her to be athleticly shaped and into staying fit, maybe this means I’m shallow, but at least I’m honest about it. She has to like to cuddle. She has to understand that men do the things they do and say the things they say becasue they are men and not becasue they are douchbags, meaning I believe in a monogamous relationship and I practice it, but I am a man. This goes both ways, I understand woman are woman and they have needs and desires as well. She has to be financially stable on her own and hopefully be able to drive. She has to eat meat beacasue I dont want to eat my steaks alone or have them made out of tofu. She MUST has a good sence of humor and like to laugh alot.


+10 for I’m a liar, I’m a jerk, I’m a man-child, I’m only marginally employed, I sleep on a futon, I’m out of shape, I regularly eat cereal for dinner because I don’t know how to cook, I spend my Friday nights watching and re-watching The Fast and the Furious IV, if you don’t think I’m 100% hilarious and amazing I will berate you, I think a turtle is a pet and I will probably cheat on you, but I’m looking for a self-sufficient, gainfully employed, athletic woman who will cook me steak. Life is like a Judd Apatow film, right?

+3 for spelling carnage. If you’re going to keep using the term “douchebag” — something you appear to be called fairly often — you should at least spell it correctly.

+4 for ” I like the same movies all typical men like, the more boobs and explosions the better, but I also don’t mind watching dramas and romantics from time to time, I’ve even cried before. I think I have a fantastic sense of humor.” Sure. 

+5 for “She has to understand that men do the things they do and say the things they say becasue they are men and not becasue they are douchbags, meaning I believe in a monogamous relationship and I practice it, but I am a man.” Don’t be mad, honey, men don’t cheat because they’re jerks, it’s because we are MEN. Kind of how Real Men know that proper spelling is for pussies.

+2 for “I can be brutally honest. I prefer being this way even though it’s not always the best or result in the best outcome. I believe in white lies. I believe everyone tells lies.” I definitely do not believe in intellectual consistency.

+3 for “I am a nice guy.” BIGGEST RED FLAG EVER. Never in the history of the universe has a man who identified himself as a Nice Guy ever been, actually, a nice human being. Extra red flag if he follows that up with, “But women always go for assholes.”

+3 for “As a matter of fact, I think I am too nice. I think that’s part of my problem. Women say they want a nice guy but they seem to pick the douchbags. Then again, I’ve been told I’m an ***hole. So I’m probably the nicest ***hole you’ll ever meet.” What did I tell you about the “I’m a nice guy” red flag?

TOTAL POINTS: 30.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *