Magic is everywhere in this bitch.

What I’m doing with my life: going to nursing school. i love helping people because i feel like ive hurt so many in the past. this is my way of giving back.

I’m really good at: sneaking pills from work/not getting in trouble for it!! (not that i haven’t learned many lessons the hard way in the past haha.)  

The first things people usually notice about me: my feet. the skin is rough and the toes are long and wide apart but i wouldnt call them “bird feet” haha. they do hurt me when im unmedicated, but thats usually not a problem. 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

i dont like music, i’ve had bad experiences with it

my favorite author of all time is james patterson

action movies because of the hot guys and chick flicks because it gives me a good excuse to cry 😛

i dont like music, i’ve had bad experiences with it

i just recently tried indian food. now i can’t get enough of it!  

The six things I could never do without:

the bus
orthopedic nurse shoes

I spend a lot of time thinking about: my f’d up sexual history and my job at the hospital leads to some pretty messed up day/nightdreams about patients. 

On a typical Friday night I am: getting my drink/pills on and dreaming the night away.  

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: i have a very jealous/juggalo ex-boyfriend. his name is jay and he’s my best friend. you need to understand that he’s going to be on your fucking ass when you come around me. if youre a good guy you’ll win in the end and the fight turns me on lol.

You should message me if

you have a wheelchair. (it’s my fetish, i dont want to date a cripple. sorry!!)

+6 for being a woman bizarre enough to make this site. For whatever reason, dude profiles and messages totally dominate ‘round these parts, so I’m glad to see a woman who is not only a complete trainwreck, but one of the messiest trainwrecks ever — severed heads and shit. Equality!

+3 for being in nursing school because she’s been such a disaster her entire life that she feels like she needs to repent by “helping people.” Maybe just go to confession instead?

+7 because oh wait, she’s really in nursing school for the pills, and to satisfy her wheelchair fetish.

+5 for being “really good at” sneaking pills from work and not getting caught. Except for those times before when she got caught.  I think you do not understand the meaning of the phrases “really good at” or “learned many lessons.”

+4 for the first thing people notice about me are my totally effed up feet. Because she doesn’t wear shoes in public, I guess? Or while working at a hospital, surrounded by germs and disease and body fluids?

+2 for managing to get in a reference to her prescription drug problem even while talking about her weird feet.

+5 for “I don’t like music, I’ve had bad experiences with it” (twice). Maybe the radio stations in her area only play Creed?

+6 for listing narcotics and opiates in her “six things I could never live without.” And GPS. Which I don’t think you need if you’re taking the bus.

+10 for “I spend a lot of time thinking about my f’d up sexual history and my job at the hospital leads to some pretty messed up day/nightdreams about patients.” Whoa, girl. I understand how, to someone with a prescription drug addiction and a boner for people in wheelchairs, a nursing job sounds like a great idea. But maybe think that one through a little further? And if you’re still unclear, consult a therapist? Or maybe tell your boss and see how good of an idea she finds it.

+3 for her typical Friday night involving drinking and pill-popping. Sounds like fun in theory (I went out after getting my wisdom teeth removed and it wasn’t the worst), the same way that “I drink Franzia out of the box at noon on a Tuesday” sounds fun in theory. Then you watch that episode of Intervention featuring the lady who actually DOES drink Franzia out of the box at noon on a Tuesday, and it still looks kind of fun when she’s walking around outside in a tie-dye bikini hitting on burly truck drivers, but then she has a seizure from alcohol withdrawal and her own child thinks she’s dead and just kind of shrugs, and then you’re like, oh wait that’s not fun at all. I would bet $10 that this girl’s drinking-and-pill-popping is less of a “not exactly healthy but she seems like she’s having a good time” thing and more of the “I woke up in an alley with vomit all over my clothes AGAIN, and my doctor says I have serious long-term liver damage” variety. 

+15 for “i have a very jealous/juggalo ex-boyfriend. his name is jay and he’s my best friend.” My ex boyfriend, he is very jealous. And VERY juggalo. I want to make fun of this, but there’s really nothing to add. Except maybe this explains her bad experiences with music? 

+3 because seriously, who is going to respond after that? JUGGALO EX BOYFRIEND. STILL HER BEST FRIEND. Even if you were like, “Ok so this chick is clearly unstable with the drug addiction and the disability fetish and the bird feet, but she’s kind of hot and I’m not exactly a winner myself, so maybe I’ll holler,” you’ve gotta get to the juggalo part and call it quits, right?

+3 for suggesting that he fight her juggalo ex boyfriend, and that if he’s a “good guy” he’ll win. While it’s an absolute fact that I would pay good money to see a Nice Guy vs. Juggalo throw-down, Juggalos are crazy and will probably fucking kill you.

+9 for (a) wheelchair fetish and (b) but “i dont want to date a cripple. sorry!!” Nurse-lady, some real talk: “Cripple” is not a word that we use anymore. Also, everyone has their things and if wheelchairs do it for you, more power to you. But publicly proclaiming your hard-on for wheelchairs and then specifying that you don’t like people for whom wheelchairs are a necessity? Makes you seem… questionable. At least you said sorry with several exclamation points.

+4 for what am I talking about? This woman is publicly touting her prescription drug addiction on a website that has pictures of her face that her employer can see, and admits to dating a man who wears elaborate face paint and thinks “fucking magnets, how do they work??” is an astute song lyric. She doesn’t date people who use wheelchairs? “Cripples” everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.